1. < Cancer: Managing Symptoms

Intimacy and cancer

Posted by Iowakate @katehedderich, Feb 4, 2021

My husband and I have not been intimate since my cancer (glioblastoma) diagnosis (5 years now). At first it was due to fatigue. But now I don’t know why. I try to talk to him about it but he avoids the subject. Anyone else having this issue?

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Feb 10, 2021

Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With cancer, intimacy may be redefined, but not absent. When sex is put on hold (temporarily or permanently), what intimacy do you still wish for? Cuddles, conversation, hand-holding, TV watching, touches in passing?

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3 replies
Valerie | @lacy2 | Feb 10, 2021
In reply to @colleenyoung "Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With cancer, intimacy may be redefined, but not absent. When sex is put on hold (temporarily or permanently), what intimacy do you still wish for? Cuddles, conversation, hand-holding, TV watching, touches in passing?

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...for me, I miss hugs and cuddles, we used to be interested in same tv shows so sat together, now each have own tv...but it's been a 40 year marriage and whereas sexual intimacy played a big part, over the initial years, an almost platonic? friendship evolved and I get that...but as has been said I think, it's odd that the sexual intimacy faded into a memory after cancer treatment... wonder if this happens with other illnesses ... as might another type of life changing occurrence in a partnership/marriage? Well I do now have a teddy bear!!!!

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Iowakate | @katehedderich | Feb 11, 2021
In reply to @colleenyoung "Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With cancer, intimacy may be redefined, but not absent. When sex is put on hold (temporarily or permanently), what intimacy do you still wish for? Cuddles, conversation, hand-holding, TV watching, touches in passing?

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Food for thought.

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1 reply
Iowakate | @katehedderich | Feb 11, 2021
In reply to @katehedderich "Food for thought." + (show)
@katehedderich

Food for thought.

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Thanks.

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terrip | @terrip | Feb 11, 2021

I would love some hugs and be able to communicate about things that are in anyway positive. Therapy is on the table, however due to an significant move we will make in a few months (post latest treatment) couple therapy is on hold so as not to leave a therapist and then locate a new one several states away. Sending you all a virtual hug.

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kathleenweidmann | @kathleenweidmann | Feb 13, 2021
In reply to @dutchw "I also applaud you for breaching this issue, your a brave woman. As a man, perhaps..." + (show)
@dutchw

I also applaud you for breaching this issue, your a brave woman. As a man, perhaps I can offer some suggestions. Have you tried initiating intimacy and telling your husband of your desires? My ex-wife had breast cancer, I was hesitant to initiate intimacy out of fear of rejection because of the cancer. I didn’t want to talk about it either. One night she was very blunt, assured me she still loved me, told me what she wanted/needed and initiated sex. It took several times of her doing the initiating until things returned to normal. Sometimes us men aren’t the smartest tool in the shed and need a push. If ED is an issue, insist he talk about it, get help or the blue pill if necessary. I’ll try answering your questions if you feel comfortable talking to me. Never give up.

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👏👏👏👏👏

We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer has been different; it has taken away our intimacy.

We have been stumbling around for months now. I remember coming here to look for answers. We fnally broke down recently and got some blue pills.

So happy to see this being addressed.

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2 replies
kathleenweidmann | @kathleenweidmann | Feb 13, 2021
In reply to @dutchw "Hope I didn’t say anything inappropriate or offensive. I just wanted to give an honest answer..." + (show)
@dutchw

Hope I didn’t say anything inappropriate or offensive. I just wanted to give an honest answer to a honest valid question.

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Not offensive. Welcomed.

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miriam57 | @miriam57 | Feb 13, 2021
In reply to @kathleenweidmann "👏👏👏👏👏 We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer..." + (show)
@kathleenweidmann

👏👏👏👏👏

We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer has been different; it has taken away our intimacy.

We have been stumbling around for months now. I remember coming here to look for answers. We fnally broke down recently and got some blue pills.

So happy to see this being addressed.

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Good for you both!!!!
We use them, and it brings the touches and cuddles along with the closeness.
I just have to buildup the energy and then we go for it.

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dutchw | @dutchw | Feb 13, 2021
In reply to @kathleenweidmann "👏👏👏👏👏 We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer..." + (show)
@kathleenweidmann

👏👏👏👏👏

We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer has been different; it has taken away our intimacy.

We have been stumbling around for months now. I remember coming here to look for answers. We fnally broke down recently and got some blue pills.

So happy to see this being addressed.

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That’s good news. Thank you for bringing this issue for open discussion.

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Carol Kuhle | @carollku | Mar 5, 2021
In reply to @becsbuddy "@katehedderich You’ve asked a very good question that no one ever wants to ask. And doctors..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@katehedderich You’ve asked a very good question that no one ever wants to ask. And doctors don’t want to bring up the subject even though it would sure help if they did. I found this article for you that may answer some of your questions or give you some information. If you Google ‘intimacy and cancer’ you will find many reputable resources. Maybe print out some articles and just leave them lying around.
I hope what @1nan and I have suggested will help some. Please stay in touch with us. Becky

https://www.cancercenter.com/integrative-care/intimacy-relationship-challenges

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Intimacy is an important issue in cancer survivors. Mayo Clinic has a unigue clinic-The Menopause and Women's Sexual Health Clinic (MWSHC) in Rochester, MN. We have multidisciplinary team including a sex therapist with a special focus on intimacy in cancer survivors.
We work with all types of cancers and have frequent referrals from medical, gynecological, and radiation oncology.
Carol Kuhle, D.O., MPH
Director, MWSHC 507-266-3988 for an appointment

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