When things just don't get better

@daphne47
I am sorry for the rough time you are going through in your life.

My wife's great aunt used to say "old age is not for sissies". I think that can be applied to life in general for many of us. When I was 12 I started to feel like a person who was, to use your word, defective. And I felt disconnected from everyone around me. I walked around feeling like an open wound for the next 25 years or so. The heaviness of that feeling lifted finally in my late thirties. A few months ago I was sent a photo of myself with my family from 1965 when I was 13. I could see that pain that I was carrying. I saw the sadness in my eyes. In my mind I could actually transport myself back to that hurting teenager that I was and recreate how it felt to be me then. Interestingly in the past couple weeks I have fallen into some of those similar old feelings. It has made me feel somewhat depressed, just like then.

I do know from a long life of experiencing the comings and goings of happiness, that it will return. Have you also known this in your own life, that pain (physical or emotional) does pass? When you are in the throws of the bad times it's very easy to forget that there is anything but pain in life. I hope yours lifts for you soon and that you will have a good day (or days) soon. Don't give up. Best, Hank

Hank you are so right that happier days will return but I have to divorce my husband of a room-mate for that to happen. We're so co-dependent we'd have to live under the same roof after the divorce. I'm looking forward to meeting a nice guy who will accept my mental disabilities. Do you think that could happen? My husband Jim is a former porn addict and rarely touches me. No sex. No affection. His third marriage and he cannot admit to any of his faults. I deserve better. Maria.

Hank, Thanks! As I have mentioned before I wish we had spell check on here. Someone just gave me advice on how to install it! Getting to your question about "inheretied seach disorder" ! Again I need Spell Check! What I meant to say was "inheretied SPEACH disorder"! It, studdering, was handed down by my father through no fault of his by DNA!
When I hear someone complaining about being "Bullied or made fun of I can remember back to those 18 years. Of not being able to answer a phone and say "Hello!" Of not doing my home work in grade school so I didn't have to talk in class. To not being able to ask a girl out on a date in high school!
But Deep Down inside of my it taught me how to stand up for myself! (Being an Onlly Child it is a nessitty!) Not to take to many things seriously! ( A Shrink asked me many years ago when he was getting ready to have me commited so I wouldn't kill myself, I made a Joke and he asked me if I took anything seriously? Luckly I snuk out before he could check me in and went and hide out with a good frienf in Colorado for two weeks!)To now ask questions of something I don't understand! To do business all around the world and try to understand that everyone is different! In most cases if you treat someone with respect you will recieve it back! I usually don't take "NO" for an answer very nicely! I try and stand up for those who may not be understood!
Fortunately or Unfortunately I am usually harder on myself than anyone else!
Wherther our "Boomer Generation" was raised correctly is another debate! Many of us, like those who served in Nam, have a sixth sense about us! We don't accpet excuses! Especially our own!
As I said, I have had 75 Wonderful Years on earth! Those first 18 for me were the start of my education in Life!
Take Care of Yourself! For some reason MayoConnect got thrown in my Junk file a few months ago. It came back up a couple of months ago! Good to have you on! It is a LIFE SAVIOR FOR MANY!
From The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

Hi Hank I just read you response regarding living co-dependently and wondering is this normal? My husband and I Love each other he is 58 and I am 56 if you remember me I have Myotonia Congenita and he has some health issues but his is curable. Both our parents didn’t have a great marriage but for some reason they decided to live miserably. I don’t want that to happen so is this normal were after 30 plus years you just show affection but don’t engage physically. My husband had surgery a few years back an aorta bypass and he doesn’t work in that area of his body. I am very happy to be around him he makes me laugh and is very supportive were it has to do with my condition. I just worry because he is a guy and that this might be enough for him. He doesn’t say anything but my worry is we would grow apart. You situation give me hope, so I pray we don’t end up like our parents. Kim

@sundance(RB)
I am so happy for you for all that you have overcome in life. Having also experienced a lot of emotional pain early in life and learned many things from that, I now am able to experience the joy of extending kindness to others, feeling outrage at seeing another human being getting bullied by someone, etc. The good times of life are a wonderful blessing and I appreciated them greatly, but it truly is the "bad times" that make us grow into better people.

I will check out the book by Matthew McConaughey. I am happy you are here, Sundance! Best, Hank

I understand your situation as it sounds very much like mine. I have PTSD and depression since childhood. The PTSD is from my first 13 years of living through domestic violence. I did very well in my life in my 30's and 40's but due to another trauma I broke down in my late 40's. I'm now 64 with chronic illness on top of depression, Complex PTSD and my anxiety has been manageable this year. It has become almost hopeless it seems. 20+ years of major clinical depression now. And now I'm in constant pain. Where does it all end? My meds aren't making a dent in my depression anymore. I keep trying but it has no end in sight.

daphne, What you say is all so True for those have suffered through depression, PTSD and other things that add to our disease! Last night I came home from running errands about 6 PM! All of a sudden the Big Black Cloud came over me. I believe Winston Chruchill called it his Black Dog! It is truly the first time I have had an episode like last night in many years. I watched a little news and Spiders mate on the Science Channel, LOL! And didn't eat diner! I came up to my office and sat down at this computer and started reading Connect!
I'm usually in bed and asleep before 10 PM.
I stayed up until after midnight reading and trying to answer things I knew about! By the time I went to bed the Black Cloud was gone! I woke up this morning and decided that I was the only one that could help Me! I cancelled out of my Zoom Silver Sneakers class today!
I just took the day for Richard! Going to do that the rest of the week!
It was very Scary when I realized what was happening to me last night!!
But as I've said before age, experience, learning, trying and even failing is the only way we all will overcome this horrible disease! Chronic illness does not help, but it makes us dig deeper to feel better!
The former coach of North Carolina, Jim Valvano, heard him give in a speech! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
If we live by that we'll suvive!
You have a whole Wonderful, Blessed Group of Friends that are standing with you to hear and listen to what you say! It's important to all of us!
Bless You!
From, The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)