When things just don't get better

Posted by daphne47 @daphne47, Dec 30, 2020

I have depression and anxiety that stem from ptsd, abuse/neglect. I've fought my entire life for my sanity, making good steps with my mental health. Then boom, chronic illness. Fought this too. But I haven't had much relief or answers for 15 years. I'm burnt out pretty good right now and really hopeless. Not sure if my situation can change. Just feel I'm losing myself. I take medication and see a great therapist. This is not just a one time low...just tired of fighting for nothing. Can anyone relate? I'm not trying to get anyone down, everyone's situation is different, I guess I just want to express myself cause I don't have a lot of people to say this to. I understand accepting things, but it just seems like my life is stuck, whatever I do. I'm not afraid to live with disabilities, but, physically, my body is kicking my own arse. Feeling alone, defeated, and defective.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

@jesfactsmon

@daphne47
I am sorry for the rough time you are going through in your life.

My wife's great aunt used to say "old age is not for sissies". I think that can be applied to life in general for many of us. When I was 12 I started to feel like a person who was, to use your word, defective. And I felt disconnected from everyone around me. I walked around feeling like an open wound for the next 25 years or so. The heaviness of that feeling lifted finally in my late thirties. A few months ago I was sent a photo of myself with my family from 1965 when I was 13. I could see that pain that I was carrying. I saw the sadness in my eyes. In my mind I could actually transport myself back to that hurting teenager that I was and recreate how it felt to be me then. Interestingly in the past couple weeks I have fallen into some of those similar old feelings. It has made me feel somewhat depressed, just like then.

I do know from a long life of experiencing the comings and goings of happiness, that it will return. Have you also known this in your own life, that pain (physical or emotional) does pass? When you are in the throws of the bad times it's very easy to forget that there is anything but pain in life. I hope yours lifts for you soon and that you will have a good day (or days) soon. Don't give up. Best, Hank

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Hank you are so right that happier days will return but I have to divorce my husband of a room-mate for that to happen. We're so co-dependent we'd have to live under the same roof after the divorce. I'm looking forward to meeting a nice guy who will accept my mental disabilities. Do you think that could happen? My husband Jim is a former porn addict and rarely touches me. No sex. No affection. His third marriage and he cannot admit to any of his faults. I deserve better. Maria.

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@mariajean03

Hank you are so right that happier days will return but I have to divorce my husband of a room-mate for that to happen. We're so co-dependent we'd have to live under the same roof after the divorce. I'm looking forward to meeting a nice guy who will accept my mental disabilities. Do you think that could happen? My husband Jim is a former porn addict and rarely touches me. No sex. No affection. His third marriage and he cannot admit to any of his faults. I deserve better. Maria.

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@mariajean03
Hi Maria, it's tough to be co dependant in a bad relationship. I know for a fact that my wife and I are co dependant also, but ours has so much love involved that it's really not a problem. I am sorry that the love isn't there for you two. I don't know what the future holds for you or anyone but I do believe our goal should be to make ourselves whole first and foremost. We do not know our destiny so we need to just focus on what we can control, which is who and what we are and what we want to become. In other words, try to fix what is not functioning properly in yourself, work on yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally. In my case I have seen that when I did that at various times in my life, everything seemed to kind of miraculously fall into place.

Maria, I know what you face now in your life will be a big challenge for you. Life is no picnic, but it can be gratifying to experience some little personal victories along the way. Good luck! Hank

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@sundance6

Hank, Thanks! As I have mentioned before I wish we had spell check on here. Someone just gave me advice on how to install it! Getting to your question about "inheretied seach disorder" ! Again I need Spell Check! What I meant to say was "inheretied SPEACH disorder"! It, studdering, was handed down by my father through no fault of his by DNA!
When I hear someone complaining about being "Bullied or made fun of I can remember back to those 18 years. Of not being able to answer a phone and say "Hello!" Of not doing my home work in grade school so I didn't have to talk in class. To not being able to ask a girl out on a date in high school!
But Deep Down inside of my it taught me how to stand up for myself! (Being an Onlly Child it is a nessitty!) Not to take to many things seriously! ( A Shrink asked me many years ago when he was getting ready to have me commited so I wouldn't kill myself, I made a Joke and he asked me if I took anything seriously? Luckly I snuk out before he could check me in and went and hide out with a good frienf in Colorado for two weeks!)To now ask questions of something I don't understand! To do business all around the world and try to understand that everyone is different! In most cases if you treat someone with respect you will recieve it back! I usually don't take "NO" for an answer very nicely! I try and stand up for those who may not be understood!
Fortunately or Unfortunately I am usually harder on myself than anyone else!
Wherther our "Boomer Generation" was raised correctly is another debate! Many of us, like those who served in Nam, have a sixth sense about us! We don't accpet excuses! Especially our own!
As I said, I have had 75 Wonderful Years on earth! Those first 18 for me were the start of my education in Life!
Take Care of Yourself! For some reason MayoConnect got thrown in my Junk file a few months ago. It came back up a couple of months ago! Good to have you on! It is a LIFE SAVIOR FOR MANY!
From The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

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@sundance(RB)
I am so happy for you for all that you have overcome in life. Having also experienced a lot of emotional pain early in life and learned many things from that, I now am able to experience the joy of extending kindness to others, feeling outrage at seeing another human being getting bullied by someone, etc. The good times of life are a wonderful blessing and I appreciated them greatly, but it truly is the "bad times" that make us grow into better people.

I will check out the book by Matthew McConaughey. I am happy you are here, Sundance! Best, Hank

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Hi Hank I just read you response regarding living co-dependently and wondering is this normal? My husband and I Love each other he is 58 and I am 56 if you remember me I have Myotonia Congenita and he has some health issues but his is curable. Both our parents didn’t have a great marriage but for some reason they decided to live miserably. I don’t want that to happen so is this normal were after 30 plus years you just show affection but don’t engage physically. My husband had surgery a few years back an aorta bypass and he doesn’t work in that area of his body. I am very happy to be around him he makes me laugh and is very supportive were it has to do with my condition. I just worry because he is a guy and that this might be enough for him. He doesn’t say anything but my worry is we would grow apart. You situation give me hope, so I pray we don’t end up like our parents. Kim

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@kimcvi

Hi Hank I just read you response regarding living co-dependently and wondering is this normal? My husband and I Love each other he is 58 and I am 56 if you remember me I have Myotonia Congenita and he has some health issues but his is curable. Both our parents didn’t have a great marriage but for some reason they decided to live miserably. I don’t want that to happen so is this normal were after 30 plus years you just show affection but don’t engage physically. My husband had surgery a few years back an aorta bypass and he doesn’t work in that area of his body. I am very happy to be around him he makes me laugh and is very supportive were it has to do with my condition. I just worry because he is a guy and that this might be enough for him. He doesn’t say anything but my worry is we would grow apart. You situation give me hope, so I pray we don’t end up like our parents. Kim

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@kimcvi
Hi Kim, yes I know you well and because of you I became very studied up about MC after you appeared here back in the summer. BTW, did you ever manage to get in touch with the young lady in the YouTube video, the one who also had MC? Just wondering.

My personal conviction about loving relationships is that they are capable of withstanding almost anything. Having love with limited or no sexual relationship is better than being involved in a terrific sexual relationship with very little love. Anyway, sex or no sex, you can still show your love to each other physically. Don't you guys hug and cuddle with each other? Kim, why don't you broach your concerns with your guy? The best thing for a healthy marriage beside showing physical love is open communication. If you guys aren't used to that, be brave and try it. I can't tell you how many misunderstanding my wife and I have avoided by lots of talking. My wife brought that to our marriage; NOBODY talked much in my family, and it was a breath of fresh air to learn it was possible! You'd be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself by meaningful discussion with your spouse, if they are open to it.

Best always to you Kim, Hank

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Thank you Hank I will give it a try and talk to him😊 I reached out to the person on YouTube yet, I am slow at doing things like that, which is my New Years resolution not to be so scared of new things. 😂
I really appreciate you and all your advice, Thank you
Kim

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@jesfactsmon

@sundance(RB)
I am so happy for you for all that you have overcome in life. Having also experienced a lot of emotional pain early in life and learned many things from that, I now am able to experience the joy of extending kindness to others, feeling outrage at seeing another human being getting bullied by someone, etc. The good times of life are a wonderful blessing and I appreciated them greatly, but it truly is the "bad times" that make us grow into better people.

I will check out the book by Matthew McConaughey. I am happy you are here, Sundance! Best, Hank

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Thanks Hank! Good having you on MayoC! So much to learn on here!
Make 2021 a Great Year!
From the Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

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@kmr24karat

I understand your situation as it sounds very much like mine. I have PTSD and depression since childhood. The PTSD is from my first 13 years of living through domestic violence. I did very well in my life in my 30's and 40's but due to another trauma I broke down in my late 40's. I'm now 64 with chronic illness on top of depression, Complex PTSD and my anxiety has been manageable this year. It has become almost hopeless it seems. 20+ years of major clinical depression now. And now I'm in constant pain. Where does it all end? My meds aren't making a dent in my depression anymore. I keep trying but it has no end in sight.

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Thank you for your reply. I'm glad someone listens and can share a similar situation. I've also run the gammit of pills...I'm considered 'resistant' but still take them. My trauma started in childhood and onward, and trauma changes your developing brain. it's a life long battle. Like you, adding chronic illness on top of that is something that hardly anyone I talk to understands....even doctors. We have to give ourselves credit for getting this far. I have learned to try and be more kind and patient with myself. But chronic anything is hard. It's gets so old. I feel so misunderstood. It's a daily battle to accept ourselves, and try to make the best of what we have. Those days come few and far between sometimes. We're just looking for better quality of life.

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daphne, What you say is all so True for those have suffered through depression, PTSD and other things that add to our disease! Last night I came home from running errands about 6 PM! All of a sudden the Big Black Cloud came over me. I believe Winston Chruchill called it his Black Dog! It is truly the first time I have had an episode like last night in many years. I watched a little news and Spiders mate on the Science Channel, LOL! And didn't eat diner! I came up to my office and sat down at this computer and started reading Connect!
I'm usually in bed and asleep before 10 PM.
I stayed up until after midnight reading and trying to answer things I knew about! By the time I went to bed the Black Cloud was gone! I woke up this morning and decided that I was the only one that could help Me! I cancelled out of my Zoom Silver Sneakers class today!
I just took the day for Richard! Going to do that the rest of the week!
It was very Scary when I realized what was happening to me last night!!
But as I've said before age, experience, learning, trying and even failing is the only way we all will overcome this horrible disease! Chronic illness does not help, but it makes us dig deeper to feel better!
The former coach of North Carolina, Jim Valvano, heard him give in a speech! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
If we live by that we'll suvive!
You have a whole Wonderful, Blessed Group of Friends that are standing with you to hear and listen to what you say! It's important to all of us!
Bless You!
From, The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

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@sundance6

daphne, What you say is all so True for those have suffered through depression, PTSD and other things that add to our disease! Last night I came home from running errands about 6 PM! All of a sudden the Big Black Cloud came over me. I believe Winston Chruchill called it his Black Dog! It is truly the first time I have had an episode like last night in many years. I watched a little news and Spiders mate on the Science Channel, LOL! And didn't eat diner! I came up to my office and sat down at this computer and started reading Connect!
I'm usually in bed and asleep before 10 PM.
I stayed up until after midnight reading and trying to answer things I knew about! By the time I went to bed the Black Cloud was gone! I woke up this morning and decided that I was the only one that could help Me! I cancelled out of my Zoom Silver Sneakers class today!
I just took the day for Richard! Going to do that the rest of the week!
It was very Scary when I realized what was happening to me last night!!
But as I've said before age, experience, learning, trying and even failing is the only way we all will overcome this horrible disease! Chronic illness does not help, but it makes us dig deeper to feel better!
The former coach of North Carolina, Jim Valvano, heard him give in a speech! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
If we live by that we'll suvive!
You have a whole Wonderful, Blessed Group of Friends that are standing with you to hear and listen to what you say! It's important to all of us!
Bless You!
From, The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

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@sundance(RB)
You have a great attitude Richard! It is remarkable what trials we can face in this life and still make it through. I strive to live by my father's simple motto of "life is service" and I have found that when I manage to put it into practice it can have an amazing effect. It sounds like you did that last night when you got on Connect in the midst of your own personal "black dog" episode and pulled yourself out through the helping of others. I am impressed! Keep hanging on my friend. Hank

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