OCD and Major Depression

Maria "you" are way to hard on yourself.when you say nobody cares if you're even alive. I use to have a very very low opinion of myself too. I think its because we dont give ourselfs enough credit for the things we do. We have to be our own advocates sometimes and seek out the help we need for ourselfs.No one should have to live in an enviroment that tears down our positivity. I had to learn the hard way with my family. I dont talk to my sisters about my day to day life.We will just share words about how everybodyis doing and here lately its been about trying to avoid getting covid 19.I live in Sellersburg Indiana.Its 12miles north of Louisvilly Ky. Private message me for my phone number. You can call me and dont be surprised to learn how much we have in common.I hate hearing about how much you are going through and I just want to try and help you get your spunk back....marcie
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HOW May I CONTACT YOU PRIVATELY?

Hi, Here in Indiana we have case workers and a mental health Philicity called Lifespring.Thats where I was going until this pandemic hit and now I talk to my people over the phone. If you need section 8 housing to be able to afford your own place to live. Reach out and get the number for a program like it in your community. Get a legal aid lawyer and get a divorce. Best thing I ever did.Of course i have a"Residual disability because of all the abuse I had to tolerate and endure. Its been 23 years since the big D took place and Im like a new person. I have to take medication to keep me stable and as normal as what normal is these days.They dont interfear with my freedom i jus have to rest alot and move slower then I use to bc of dizziesness when I stand up or lay down.ok I hope it helps/ take care. marcie

HOW May I CONTACT YOU PRIVATELY?

Can I ask you what meds make you dizzy? I have the same problem. Maria.

I'm not sure how I would be diagnosed if had someone to listen to my story. I've always tried to be strong in this life. I had to my mom and sisters needed that. Every man that came into our lives did wrong by us. At least that's what I seen. I was 3 when my dad vanished from my life and i can remember dropping him off at the pig slaughterhouse in LA and foggy memory til I was 6 and living in azusa Ca acrossbfrom the brown bag plant well my mom left and had our pit bulls watching us 3 girls well the water man came up to the door . Our dogs remember him touting them in previous days so when he turned to walk away his pole struck our dogs head and our dog attacked him and let go he ran to his truck and grabbed mass and ran back to spray our dogs so they both attacked him and was chewing his leg well by that time the police showed up and got out of there cars and shot my dogs in the head. And I blacked out after seeing that woke up with a fever and i was delousoninal I'll i can see is fire around me and I'm tripping out my grandma had a stroke they rushed her to the hospital they took me to the hospital and I was put in a bed of ice. And I wasn't aloud to talk about what I saw. So I blocked it out. Then i was 8 years old in School had a bad stomach ache and nurse sent me home told me my step dad was home to go ahead and walk home. Well I started off to walk home not knowing what to do because the man at was molesting me for about 2months sby now. So i walked around the neighborhood til i thought it was safe. To head home i didn't wait long enough he was home. And got touched by him for what reason idk . He said he would kill my mom if I told on him. So I kept it to myself witnessing my mom give him oral pleasure I was in disbelief of what I saw. I waited until he was going on a fishing trip for the weekend and my sis the neighbor girl and I told my mom the second he walked out the door she was asleep on the couch down stairs. I'll never forget... and by the age of 10 I'd been in foster care and visitations with me mom and I even tried to hide in the back floorboard of her car so I could leave with my mom. I didn't care I wanted my mom only. Cant remember much until I was 15 years old and I was eating zoloft to sleep away my problems and I left to the er to have my stomach pumped .....then I remember. Being 16 driving a friend of a friends car and finding a dog and I picked him up and told my mom I wanted to keep him scruffyluffaguse was his name and my mom kicked me out cause I wouldn't let the dog go. So I left and drove the car to the owner and he was mad about his car and started choking me and i blacked out and when i woke up i ran out of the house and the dog was right there with me so it's about 1130 PM in Baldwin park ,Ca . I had none or nowhere to go walking around .... Then a guy stops in the street . Telling me shouldn't be out hear all Lone in this town at night. And kept telling me he will get me a room and pay for it and he wouldn't stay he will give me my key and he would go . He just wanted to help me out ... I agreed and to my nolage I made a good call with guys he did just as he said . I'm so naive....I got a rm and a key and beer and a date rape pill I passed out groggy and could feel him on me and he was biting my neck and sucking super hard I could feel every little thing . Down to the blood being sucked to the surface of my skin. That was the most pain I could focus on I was going in and out of concussness. Thank God that I lived to remember that night ... because these days they would just kill you. The next morning I felt so messed up in the head I hated everything around me I hated everything about my self. Felt like I couldn't even keep myself safe . I start to turn to people that hated blacks I was violated by a man of color. I went on to do bad things living in this world of hate and anger. I self destructed in every way possible . I robbed I fought I threatened lives to me I had no other choices And did a spiral out of control .... in the mix of all this i was robbed at gun point hog tied and guns pointed to my head threats of death if I didn't give up names ... I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it all until they left ... I was a hot mess turned out I was part of my boyfriends issues he was having .... I found a guy that was a big time in town and wanted me . We meet at a dealers house and I fell hard then a ex bf found out showed up to the house I was hanging at and took out a big knife and started stabbing my boyfriend in the chest 9 times and ran off we called 911 they got him th o the hospital and he lived through that .

I'm on several meds that may cause it. i think it's the Fanapt which is an anti-psycotic for auditory hallutionations.