When will I ever be happy?

@rcb1975, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. How difficult it must be to still feel such loss after more than 30 years since losing your brother tragically. I don't think one forgets a loss, but learns to live with it as part of your life. I'm so sorry that you grief and pain has been triggered again with the recent loss of your pet. I'd like to invite @lilyoaws to this conversation as she too is grieving the loss of her pet.

Rcb, have you been to grief counselling?

Hello @rcb1975, I'd like to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect.

I am sorry for the losses you have experienced. It certainly is true that one loss can bring up the grief from a previous loss. The unexpected loss of your beloved cat might have brought up feelings of grief from the unexpected loss of your brother.

I wonder as Colleen (@colleenyoung) does if you have attended grief counseling workshops, grief groups or one-on-one grief counseling. The unexpected loss of your brother when you were a preteen is very difficult. I have a family member who at age 16, lost two brothers in a tragic accident. Her brothers were preteens at the time and the family just never recovered from it.

There are grief groups for the loss of family members. Even though it has been 30 years since you lost your brother, a grief group to attend regarding that loss might still be very helpful. Right now, most grief groups are all online (using Zoom, Facebook, or another online method). I would encourage you to look into this and find something that might be helpful to you right now.

Also, I would encourage you to keep a journal. Even just writing a sentence or two each day about your brother, then about your beloved cat, might be very helpful to you. Will you give these ideas a try?

Thank you Colleen. My pet is still alive, but had to give her up, because I couldn't take care of her anymore. But it has been hard and I miss her very much. Shes at the boarders I always used and they wanted Lily very bad and told me they loved her, so she is at a good place and I get pictures and she looks so much happier. She is a healthy 14 year old.
I did lose my first Papillon and it is really hard to lose a pet. You love them so much and they are just like a child to you. About losing your brother, that's hard too. My story is also sad. I was married to my first love in 1969 and he was killed in a car accident 11 days after we were married. I was only 18. He is still in my heart and if it helps you "cry" Cry for your brother and dog. It's ok to feel sad.

Hi again @rcb1975. Yes, I agree with Colleen and Teresa that counseling might help. I lost my mom to suicide at age 69. And I have gone to counseling for that event, plus the event of my first husbands death. Forgot to tell you a best friend who was only 18 was also killed with my husband who was 20. Just wanted to let you know if you haven't been to counseling it does help you through the sadness you feel. Life is really the pits sometimes.

I should of read your all your story before I responded. I also have depression and anxiety. I can't imagine what it was like to lose a brother at such a young age. My thoughts and heart goes out to you. This is my third response so you mean a lot to me.

Hi @colleenyoung ... Thank you for responding. I have never been to grief counseling per we. My surviving brother, who was in the same car crash with my other brother, ( a family friend was driving them while drunk), myself and my parents all should have had counseling after it happened, however we didn't have insurance and could not afford it. I have been to three psychologists over the last 20 or so years and the main topic has always been my brother's death, and how mine and my family's life changed so drastically afterwards. The very first counselor I saw, told me I should put all of that in the past and not talk about. I had always heard the opposite and this was my first time going to counseling, so ,even though that seemed odd, I thought, "OK....never done this so I'll give it a try." Needless to say, I only went back a few times to her. The 2nd one was very good at giving me positive feedback and making me feel better during sessions, and I saw her on and off for a couple years but finally realized I was not getting anywhere really, after I was on my own and had no tools to deal with all of it whenever I got stuck in a bad, sad place. The 3rd promised big things. She was supposedly a cognitive behavioral therapist and was "going to explain what happens in the brain when we get depressed, sad, etc and was also gonna give me tools to work with out in the world to help." She did none of that and I quit seeing her after about 6months. I've tried looking for someone to help with grief and or a group therapy where I can be with others who struggle or have struggled, like me, to no avail. Its overwhelming to me trying to even find the right fit for me, so Ive been in a sort of limbo in that area.

Hi @hopeful33250 . That is very sad about your family member's loss. I feel for them. As mentioned in my reply to @colleenyoung , I have not been able to find a group or grief counselor although that is what I've been hoping to find. I have started journaling in the past but did not really keep it going. Think I'll give it another go. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this group...was googling support for depression and found this forum and although there is a group for depression and anxiety, I felt like this group for grief is what I need. Thanks for sharing and for your words of encouragement.

@lilyoaws you are so right in that our pets are like our children. He was my world. My heart hurts for you for the loss of your newly Wed husband. I cannot imagine how hard that was. My cousin was very young and engaged, pregnant, and the love of her life died tragically before the baby was born. I'll never forget how hard times were back then. I'm sorry for the loss of your pets as well, even though the most recent is still alive, I can understand the heartache of not getting to be with him. I'm so so very sorry.

@rcb1975 It is great that you continue to post and I'm glad that you "stumbled upon this group."
Yes, my family member died recently, but she carried the grief of her brothers' death with her throughout her life. I could only wish that she could have dealt with it as an adult, but she chose to "shut-down" instead. I hope that you are able to open up to the loss of your brother and have the courage to realize it's impact on you and all of your family members. Until you find a support group and/or counselor continue to post here on Connect.

To help you get started would you like to share a little about your brother? What are some of your fond memories of him?

Thank you @hopeful33250......Richard Thomas Belew. He had troubles in his life. When he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck so the doctor had to break his collar bone in order to get out safely. He was born though and like any other child. My mom thinks this stress may have affected him. He gave trouble. He was his own person.. defying my mother/father and in general always getting into something . He had a soft heart though. A stray dog came to our house and he was determined to keep 'Bo' a German Shepard mix despite our father's objections. Soon it was determined that Bo was with us to stay!!!! We all got attached. SO SORRY....I am sorry.. I will have r
To continue this later...be in touch soon. 👌👍