When will I ever be happy?

Posted by rcb1975 @rcb1975, Apr 21 12:26pm

Hello. I am new to this site/group. I am a long time sufferer of depression/anxiety. Was diagnosed in my early 20’s but was depressed since early teens,I just didn’t know it. This stemmed from losing my 15 year old brother in a tragic car accident back in 88.I was 12 at the time. It has been over 30 years but I remember every detail like it was yesterday. Fast forward, now age 44, I still have not recovered fully. I suppose one never does when they lose a loved one. I have not felt that kind of pain and feeling of being lost until One month ago. I woke up one morning and found my 15 year old kitty had passed away. Since I never married or had kids I was especially close to him and him to I. I got him as a kitten in the middle of a difficult time I was going through and he changed my life for the better. I still had depressed times along with anxiety but being with my precious Ellis helped so much. For years I had thought about and feared when that day would come… I knew he would someday not be with me. But I did not expect it to come now. I knew he was getting up there in the years but thought I would have a few more good years with him since he was a strictly indoor cat and was not sick to my knowledge….he was eating good and seemed fine. My whole world has been flipped upside down. I have two other cats that I love very much and they are comforting but the bond is nowhere near what I had with Ellis. I dont think I’ll ever be truly happy again. Sure there are times with family and friends that I laugh and am OK. It’s when I’m in my house alone that is so gut wrenching. I expect to see him waiting at the door when I come home or lining up with the other cats when treat time comes. He was so very special and heart is completely broken.

@rcb1975, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. How difficult it must be to still feel such loss after more than 30 years since losing your brother tragically. I don't think one forgets a loss, but learns to live with it as part of your life. I'm so sorry that you grief and pain has been triggered again with the recent loss of your pet. I'd like to invite @lilyoaws to this conversation as she too is grieving the loss of her pet.

Rcb, have you been to grief counselling?

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Hello @rcb1975, I'd like to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect.

I am sorry for the losses you have experienced. It certainly is true that one loss can bring up the grief from a previous loss. The unexpected loss of your beloved cat might have brought up feelings of grief from the unexpected loss of your brother.

I wonder as Colleen (@colleenyoung) does if you have attended grief counseling workshops, grief groups or one-on-one grief counseling. The unexpected loss of your brother when you were a preteen is very difficult. I have a family member who at age 16, lost two brothers in a tragic accident. Her brothers were preteens at the time and the family just never recovered from it.

There are grief groups for the loss of family members. Even though it has been 30 years since you lost your brother, a grief group to attend regarding that loss might still be very helpful. Right now, most grief groups are all online (using Zoom, Facebook, or another online method). I would encourage you to look into this and find something that might be helpful to you right now.

Also, I would encourage you to keep a journal. Even just writing a sentence or two each day about your brother, then about your beloved cat, might be very helpful to you. Will you give these ideas a try?

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@colleenyoung

@rcb1975, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. How difficult it must be to still feel such loss after more than 30 years since losing your brother tragically. I don't think one forgets a loss, but learns to live with it as part of your life. I'm so sorry that you grief and pain has been triggered again with the recent loss of your pet. I'd like to invite @lilyoaws to this conversation as she too is grieving the loss of her pet.

Rcb, have you been to grief counselling?

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Thank you Colleen. My pet is still alive, but had to give her up, because I couldn't take care of her anymore. But it has been hard and I miss her very much. Shes at the boarders I always used and they wanted Lily very bad and told me they loved her, so she is at a good place and I get pictures and she looks so much happier. She is a healthy 14 year old.
I did lose my first Papillon and it is really hard to lose a pet. You love them so much and they are just like a child to you. About losing your brother, that's hard too. My story is also sad. I was married to my first love in 1969 and he was killed in a car accident 11 days after we were married. I was only 18. He is still in my heart and if it helps you "cry" Cry for your brother and dog. It's ok to feel sad.

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@hopeful33250

Hello @rcb1975, I'd like to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect.

I am sorry for the losses you have experienced. It certainly is true that one loss can bring up the grief from a previous loss. The unexpected loss of your beloved cat might have brought up feelings of grief from the unexpected loss of your brother.

I wonder as Colleen (@colleenyoung) does if you have attended grief counseling workshops, grief groups or one-on-one grief counseling. The unexpected loss of your brother when you were a preteen is very difficult. I have a family member who at age 16, lost two brothers in a tragic accident. Her brothers were preteens at the time and the family just never recovered from it.

There are grief groups for the loss of family members. Even though it has been 30 years since you lost your brother, a grief group to attend regarding that loss might still be very helpful. Right now, most grief groups are all online (using Zoom, Facebook, or another online method). I would encourage you to look into this and find something that might be helpful to you right now.

Also, I would encourage you to keep a journal. Even just writing a sentence or two each day about your brother, then about your beloved cat, might be very helpful to you. Will you give these ideas a try?

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Hi again @rcb1975. Yes, I agree with Colleen and Teresa that counseling might help. I lost my mom to suicide at age 69. And I have gone to counseling for that event, plus the event of my first husbands death. Forgot to tell you a best friend who was only 18 was also killed with my husband who was 20. Just wanted to let you know if you haven't been to counseling it does help you through the sadness you feel. Life is really the pits sometimes.

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I should of read your all your story before I responded. I also have depression and anxiety. I can't imagine what it was like to lose a brother at such a young age. My thoughts and heart goes out to you. This is my third response so you mean a lot to me.

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@colleenyoung

@rcb1975, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. How difficult it must be to still feel such loss after more than 30 years since losing your brother tragically. I don't think one forgets a loss, but learns to live with it as part of your life. I'm so sorry that you grief and pain has been triggered again with the recent loss of your pet. I'd like to invite @lilyoaws to this conversation as she too is grieving the loss of her pet.

Rcb, have you been to grief counselling?

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Hi @colleenyoung … Thank you for responding. I have never been to grief counseling per we. My surviving brother, who was in the same car crash with my other brother, ( a family friend was driving them while drunk), myself and my parents all should have had counseling after it happened, however we didn't have insurance and could not afford it. I have been to three psychologists over the last 20 or so years and the main topic has always been my brother's death, and how mine and my family's life changed so drastically afterwards. The very first counselor I saw, told me I should put all of that in the past and not talk about. I had always heard the opposite and this was my first time going to counseling, so ,even though that seemed odd, I thought, "OK….never done this so I'll give it a try." Needless to say, I only went back a few times to her. The 2nd one was very good at giving me positive feedback and making me feel better during sessions, and I saw her on and off for a couple years but finally realized I was not getting anywhere really, after I was on my own and had no tools to deal with all of it whenever I got stuck in a bad, sad place. The 3rd promised big things. She was supposedly a cognitive behavioral therapist and was "going to explain what happens in the brain when we get depressed, sad, etc and was also gonna give me tools to work with out in the world to help." She did none of that and I quit seeing her after about 6months. I've tried looking for someone to help with grief and or a group therapy where I can be with others who struggle or have struggled, like me, to no avail. Its overwhelming to me trying to even find the right fit for me, so Ive been in a sort of limbo in that area.

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@hopeful33250

Hello @rcb1975, I'd like to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect.

I am sorry for the losses you have experienced. It certainly is true that one loss can bring up the grief from a previous loss. The unexpected loss of your beloved cat might have brought up feelings of grief from the unexpected loss of your brother.

I wonder as Colleen (@colleenyoung) does if you have attended grief counseling workshops, grief groups or one-on-one grief counseling. The unexpected loss of your brother when you were a preteen is very difficult. I have a family member who at age 16, lost two brothers in a tragic accident. Her brothers were preteens at the time and the family just never recovered from it.

There are grief groups for the loss of family members. Even though it has been 30 years since you lost your brother, a grief group to attend regarding that loss might still be very helpful. Right now, most grief groups are all online (using Zoom, Facebook, or another online method). I would encourage you to look into this and find something that might be helpful to you right now.

Also, I would encourage you to keep a journal. Even just writing a sentence or two each day about your brother, then about your beloved cat, might be very helpful to you. Will you give these ideas a try?

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Hi @hopeful33250 . That is very sad about your family member's loss. I feel for them. As mentioned in my reply to @colleenyoung , I have not been able to find a group or grief counselor although that is what I've been hoping to find. I have started journaling in the past but did not really keep it going. Think I'll give it another go. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this group…was googling support for depression and found this forum and although there is a group for depression and anxiety, I felt like this group for grief is what I need. Thanks for sharing and for your words of encouragement.

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@lilypaws

Thank you Colleen. My pet is still alive, but had to give her up, because I couldn't take care of her anymore. But it has been hard and I miss her very much. Shes at the boarders I always used and they wanted Lily very bad and told me they loved her, so she is at a good place and I get pictures and she looks so much happier. She is a healthy 14 year old.
I did lose my first Papillon and it is really hard to lose a pet. You love them so much and they are just like a child to you. About losing your brother, that's hard too. My story is also sad. I was married to my first love in 1969 and he was killed in a car accident 11 days after we were married. I was only 18. He is still in my heart and if it helps you "cry" Cry for your brother and dog. It's ok to feel sad.

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@lilyoaws you are so right in that our pets are like our children. He was my world. My heart hurts for you for the loss of your newly Wed husband. I cannot imagine how hard that was. My cousin was very young and engaged, pregnant, and the love of her life died tragically before the baby was born. I'll never forget how hard times were back then. I'm sorry for the loss of your pets as well, even though the most recent is still alive, I can understand the heartache of not getting to be with him. I'm so so very sorry.

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@rcb1975

Hi @hopeful33250 . That is very sad about your family member's loss. I feel for them. As mentioned in my reply to @colleenyoung , I have not been able to find a group or grief counselor although that is what I've been hoping to find. I have started journaling in the past but did not really keep it going. Think I'll give it another go. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this group…was googling support for depression and found this forum and although there is a group for depression and anxiety, I felt like this group for grief is what I need. Thanks for sharing and for your words of encouragement.

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@rcb1975 It is great that you continue to post and I'm glad that you "stumbled upon this group."
Yes, my family member died recently, but she carried the grief of her brothers' death with her throughout her life. I could only wish that she could have dealt with it as an adult, but she chose to "shut-down" instead. I hope that you are able to open up to the loss of your brother and have the courage to realize it's impact on you and all of your family members. Until you find a support group and/or counselor continue to post here on Connect.

To help you get started would you like to share a little about your brother? What are some of your fond memories of him?

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Thank you @hopeful33250……Richard Thomas Belew. He had troubles in his life. When he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck so the doctor had to break his collar bone in order to get out safely. He was born though and like any other child. My mom thinks this stress may have affected him. He gave trouble. He was his own person.. defying my mother/father and in general always getting into something . He had a soft heart though. A stray dog came to our house and he was determined to keep 'Bo' a German Shepard mix despite our father's objections. Soon it was determined that Bo was with us to stay!!!! We all got attached. SO SORRY….I am sorry.. I will have r
To continue this later…be in touch soon. 👌👍

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This is Jeanie "lilyoaws" I want to change it to "lilypaws" I accidently misspelled it.
Anyway, I love the story rcb1975. Maybe you were just a normal difficult boy, although girls can be trouble too. But I'm so glad you got to keep the dog. I love dog and said before I had to give mine up, but she went to the boarders we used and the owner said,"Can we please have Lily, we love her." So that's where she is and a very happy dog. They let her be in the office, not kenneled at all. She follows them all over. I do miss her very much, but because of my condition I could not take care of her.
Boy, break the collar bone, that would make anyone ornery, if you know what I mean. Loved your post.

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@lilypaws

This is Jeanie "lilyoaws" I want to change it to "lilypaws" I accidently misspelled it.
Anyway, I love the story rcb1975. Maybe you were just a normal difficult boy, although girls can be trouble too. But I'm so glad you got to keep the dog. I love dog and said before I had to give mine up, but she went to the boarders we used and the owner said,"Can we please have Lily, we love her." So that's where she is and a very happy dog. They let her be in the office, not kenneled at all. She follows them all over. I do miss her very much, but because of my condition I could not take care of her.
Boy, break the collar bone, that would make anyone ornery, if you know what I mean. Loved your post.

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Thanks Jeanie. I am Robyn. My brother who passed, Richard, was my protector. In 5th grade, a boy that sat behind me started poking a pencil in my back. I was very shy back then and although I told him to stop, he kept on. I was too introverted to tell my teacher. I told Richard though. The next morning in home room and before the bell rang Richard showed up at my class. Him and his best buddy came over from the jr high/high school building. He called me out to the hall and asked which boy was messing with me so I pointed to him . Richard told me to go get him… he wanted to speak to him. So I went and told the boy that my brother wanted to talk to him. The boy went out in the hall. I'm not sure what all my brother said to him, but I'm sure it was along the lines of 'dont mess with my sister and don't ever touch her again or you,ll be sorry' . The boy came back, sat down behind me and was crying. That boy never touched me again or even looked at me the wrong way. Richard was so many things. He loved deer hunting with my dad and other brother and camping, spending time with our uncle and cousins. He was also mindful of the way others perceived him and his family. We didn't have a lot growing but he made sure his hair was washed and bathed every morning before school and he had a fear I think, of being type cast as poor or lower class. But he had a huge love for animals as was evident with his stray dog Bo and he liked cats too. when they got deer my dad had the meat processed for consumption but it was still a big thing to get a deer with big horns. I could never do that but we did eat the meat and it was not just for sport. I often wonder what my brother would be like today. Would he have a family? What would his career be? What kind of person would he be? I'll always wonder.

Today was a very difficult day for me as I remembered that tomorrow will be my kitty Ellis 15th birthday. I struggle every day, sometimes more than others, but it's a daily battle. I still cannot process that he is gone. I still have these moments where I'm working, busy etc and all of a sudden something reminds me. It's almost like I forgot Ellis is gone, then one of the other cats will sigh or yawn…or I,ll have a memory of him.even hearing one of them moving around reminds of how Ellis used to do and I then realize that he isn't with me anymore. And I then feel a shock like it happened all over again the morning I found him laying lifeless.. I'm not sure how I'm gonna get through this. I'm trying one day at a time. It is so, so very hard.

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@rcb1975

Thanks Jeanie. I am Robyn. My brother who passed, Richard, was my protector. In 5th grade, a boy that sat behind me started poking a pencil in my back. I was very shy back then and although I told him to stop, he kept on. I was too introverted to tell my teacher. I told Richard though. The next morning in home room and before the bell rang Richard showed up at my class. Him and his best buddy came over from the jr high/high school building. He called me out to the hall and asked which boy was messing with me so I pointed to him . Richard told me to go get him… he wanted to speak to him. So I went and told the boy that my brother wanted to talk to him. The boy went out in the hall. I'm not sure what all my brother said to him, but I'm sure it was along the lines of 'dont mess with my sister and don't ever touch her again or you,ll be sorry' . The boy came back, sat down behind me and was crying. That boy never touched me again or even looked at me the wrong way. Richard was so many things. He loved deer hunting with my dad and other brother and camping, spending time with our uncle and cousins. He was also mindful of the way others perceived him and his family. We didn't have a lot growing but he made sure his hair was washed and bathed every morning before school and he had a fear I think, of being type cast as poor or lower class. But he had a huge love for animals as was evident with his stray dog Bo and he liked cats too. when they got deer my dad had the meat processed for consumption but it was still a big thing to get a deer with big horns. I could never do that but we did eat the meat and it was not just for sport. I often wonder what my brother would be like today. Would he have a family? What would his career be? What kind of person would he be? I'll always wonder.

Today was a very difficult day for me as I remembered that tomorrow will be my kitty Ellis 15th birthday. I struggle every day, sometimes more than others, but it's a daily battle. I still cannot process that he is gone. I still have these moments where I'm working, busy etc and all of a sudden something reminds me. It's almost like I forgot Ellis is gone, then one of the other cats will sigh or yawn…or I,ll have a memory of him.even hearing one of them moving around reminds of how Ellis used to do and I then realize that he isn't with me anymore. And I then feel a shock like it happened all over again the morning I found him laying lifeless.. I'm not sure how I'm gonna get through this. I'm trying one day at a time. It is so, so very hard.

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Dear Robyn. Oh what a wonderful brother and then to lose him. Keep him in your heart. I lost my first husband just after 11 days of being married. A good friend was killed with him too. I turned to alcohol and hated God, but I'm back with God now and can't drink because I'm on medications that won't let me drink. I do have a glass of wine every once in awhile, but since they started me on Tymlos, that will increase my bone mass I cannot drink at all. Be sad sometimes, but put your brother in your heart and pray a prayer.

How did he die? Have you tried to a couselor? They really helped me when my mom killed herself and my husband and friend died. So try counseling if you haven't done it yet. Love to you and my prayers are with you.
t

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@lilypaws

Dear Robyn. Oh what a wonderful brother and then to lose him. Keep him in your heart. I lost my first husband just after 11 days of being married. A good friend was killed with him too. I turned to alcohol and hated God, but I'm back with God now and can't drink because I'm on medications that won't let me drink. I do have a glass of wine every once in awhile, but since they started me on Tymlos, that will increase my bone mass I cannot drink at all. Be sad sometimes, but put your brother in your heart and pray a prayer.

How did he die? Have you tried to a couselor? They really helped me when my mom killed herself and my husband and friend died. So try counseling if you haven't done it yet. Love to you and my prayers are with you.
t

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They also have grief meetings at some churches. I know it has really helped me. So sorry for your loss. It will get better. I still have good days and bad days, some times it is just moment by moment. Everyone tells me that it will be a new normal. All I know is that with God by my side and in my heart anything is possible. I have wonderful friends and family that encourage me to stay in school and now may 14th will be my last day and I will graduate from high school after being out of school for 38 years. I know when my husband of 36 and 1/2 years I thought my life was over. But now i am bettering myself. And going to try and become a respiratory therapist. To help people with the things that took my uncle my mom my dad and my husband. I hope and pray this helps a little at least. I pray for comfort and peace for you.

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