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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hello @mar1222 While I am sorry to read of your journey though grief, I am pleased you found Mayo Connect! I am Scott and I lost my wife almost exactly two years ago now. The doctors said her chance of dying from her situation was "one in a million". The odds make no difference in loss. Just as I have individually found my grief does not follow the supposed steps or stages of grief I have read about. I am still learning to, and working on, managing my grief over this loss. The same is true for our adult children as well as her closest friends. We each follow a path as unique in grief as was our love for the person we lost. Unfortunately, I cannot offer any magical words or equation for escaping our new world.
Often (well meaning) folks say things essentially suggesting I need to 'move on' or 'get over it'. I have now taken to replying "I was married to my wife for 41 years. When I have grieved for 41 years, perhaps then you can tell me to 'get over it'. My grief is now a part of me just as my wife is not. You cannot tear a part of you away and not hurt from it!
We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost. It is not simple, easy, nor quick to overcome. Love is like that, right?
The one physical thing I do is keep a running list of things I want to do. Usually simple things like call a certain friend, write someone, fix something, and on occasion go someplace. I never complete an item on the list without adding a new one to the bottom so the list never ends. This helps me (it may not help others) move towards tomorrow since I know there is something for me to look forward to.
I look forward to also hearing from you again!
I wish you continued strength, courage, and peace.
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5 Reactions@hopeful33250 So true. I know I can be a downer and trying to change. I know I do not stay around negative people if I can help thus. I am sorry for not being more encouraging. I am working on this.
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4 ReactionsThank you for your response
He was younger
38
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3 ReactionsThank you so much for this @2011panc
I’ve been doing all the basics
Going to work, chores
But for me it’s gotten harder to fake it
I think I’m stuck in the denial/depression phase...
I went to play tennis today which I haven’t done in years. I’m going to be kind to myself but I also need to jolt myself out of this. Thank you again
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3 ReactionsI’m just sitting here crying @IndianaScott I am so sorry for your loss. What an incredible love story, though!
I have had people tell me to “Get over it” also and it’s infuriating. The one time I broke down at work (I’m a teacher) one if my principals said she wished I could schedule these things better and not interrupt the work day..... that felt awful.
I really love the list idea and I am going to start it RIGHT NOW!
Thank you again and thank you for sharing your story.
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5 Reactions@parus I believe that you will succeed! Teresa
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4 Reactions@IndianaScott
Scott, I just love what you say about, "We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost." You have created a great word picture about "partnering with grief" this is so true! Thanks for those thoughts.
Teresa
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4 ReactionsThank you, Teresa, aka @hopeful33250
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3 ReactionsHi, @muppey -- just thinking of you and wondering how you are getting along. How is that tooth abscess you had?
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2 Reactions@mar1222
I am so glad that you keep posting! This is the way to healing, we need to get those feelings that are bottled up and put them out in the open. Keep talking, keep writing and if you still feel "stuck" remember professional resources are as close as a call to your primary care doctor. Sometimes we all need help pulling ourselves out of difficult places.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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3 Reactions