Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Yes will – when get home today if know anything I am sure will know a little more than do now not sure if the chemo/infusion will go down – I am assuming not

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@reibur1951

Yes will – when get home today if know anything I am sure will know a little more than do now not sure if the chemo/infusion will go down – I am assuming not

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@reibur1951

Yes, this is one of those wait-and-see times. You have probably mentioned his age before, but I do not recall.

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@hopeful33250

@reibur1951

Yes, this is one of those wait-and-see times. You have probably mentioned his age before, but I do not recall.

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57 – Back from Indy… course of treatment in progress of changing… posted what is going on under Lung cancer wont; let me re-post here – its goign to be a very busy rest of the months….

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Hello @reibur1951
I read about the results of the appointment in the Lung Cancer discussion. I hope that all goes well with getting approval from the insurance company and that there is not too much of a delay. This has been a long process for both of you with a lot of interruptions along the way.

Keeping you in my thoughts (and prayers). Will you keep posting and keep updating on his progress and of course your progress as well?

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@hopeful33250

Hello @reibur1951
I read about the results of the appointment in the Lung Cancer discussion. I hope that all goes well with getting approval from the insurance company and that there is not too much of a delay. This has been a long process for both of you with a lot of interruptions along the way.

Keeping you in my thoughts (and prayers). Will you keep posting and keep updating on his progress and of course your progress as well?

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The approval was instantly which was amazing yesterday was his infusion day for the chemo/prembo – like said they discontinued chemo but want to keep the pembro because what it has done for the main tumor and chest lymph nodes only question will be how long will the insurance company go along with that… the prembo was being paid for by the clinical study do have no idea of what the cost is for that but i know the infusion part ran 2 thousand plus depending upon time spent in the infusion lab which was up to 4 hours – Yes will keep posting and if have to stay in Indy will have my laptop and my smartphone I finally got in Dec. – i know it possibly helps others and its a way for me to vent since his sisters do not really give a dam – I made it a point when she called to offer to take some junk off to scrape yard today for me (I had called earlier and talk to the brother-in-law) that Paul came first before anything she snapped back : have not said anything have I" no she has not – she has not even bothered calling to see how I am doing – how he is – or cared if we were alive or dead during that "polar vortex" to me that speaks volumes maybe should not. I said about junk i can do it it it is sorted and loaded onto truck – having a guy hopefully come out this afternoon and load it down for me… I need to learn what to sort our for the best price right now its all piled together :-(…. This was the plans for the next couple of weeks so i could get started at least to finish the furnace/laundry room to salvage it as there is no question about it even if can leave here – all the well/plumbing and main electric which also runs the garage is located and I want to be somewhat more ahead of the game if have to stay here another winter but that is not my game plan I do not think can hack another winter like this past one – it got down to 28 in here and no higher than 60 and when the wind blows this instantly becomes a "deep freezer" no matter the season – a 1975 mobile home that has definitely seen its day… its a "dead horse" putting money ito it is fruitless… the floors need replaced as the are that glued sawdust"; the roof has leaked and all the ceilings will have to be stripped out… the pull out in the living room i done years ago and still remains to be finished… done the bathroom in 2017 it still has to be done besides other issues… I was out and walked in back and the water stands which is not good the state highway cemented the main drain tile shut years ago for some unknown reason…. I see they have markers around it maybe they are deciding to open it up or maybe just deciding to re-pave "pot-hole heaven" State Rd 17… I just can see spending large amounts of money on it and still end up with a 1975 mobile home frame and no space… guess my thinking is wrong…

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Hang in there, @reibur1951. You are doing a good thing. I am so pleased to hear that the insurance approval went through so quickly, that is such a blessing!

Liked by Parus, lioness

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@reibur1951 Good news about your insurance. This must be a relief.

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Really had no idea – but there was no doubt with what he had – how long if will pay not sure – cross that bridge when it happens – the clinical study paid for it

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@cherriann

I am so sorry for your loss. Recalling from my own experiences…..it has been such a short time since your mother passed, and you can expect that the grieving is intense right now. Regrets are also not unusual either, but remember that we are all human and have made mistakes and though we can’t go back and change most things, we absolutely can move forward and live “this new day”. It has been many years since my husband passed away at a young age and I still miss him. The “sharp” pain of loss isn’t there anymore, but a degree of sorrow stays with me, and I am sure it always will. Within a short time after his death I made a determined decision to go back to work, see family/friends, and just keep myself involved. This wasn’t easy to do as I really didn’t have it in my heart to even leave my house – but I did, and for me it proved to be the best therapy to help get through a heart-breaking and life-changing loss. My thoughts are with you….

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I have had several.loses as a lot of us have .My Dad died when I was only 6at that , I didn't understand but when I saw him in the coffin I at that age didn't know how to feel Also I had the measles so Mom hired a babysitter for me .Then my husband died in 2000 I pushed myself in working plus we talked about remodeling our basement I threw my self in that till I was exhausted .I just moved to Ca .where my son loves when we had to fly to Ga. My brother dies I leaned on him.My Mom died 2yrs after my husband but every time something is sad on T.V I cry 😢 you never forget but as time goes on its easier.Oh I use to go to my Dad,s grave and talk with him.

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Hello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭

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@daniellemarie

Hello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭

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Hello @daniellemarie I am Scott and first I want to say how sorry I am to read of the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine how difficult your journey is.

I lost my wife after her 14+ year war with brain cancer and I still struggle with the loss of her. The anniversary of her passing is coming up in just a few days. I dread it and find it difficult to adjust to my different life.

If I might ask, what’s your biggest challenge?

Strength, courage, and peace.

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@daniellemarie

Hello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭

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I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my daughter in 2008. I also lost a granddaughter to anacephaly in 2009. Then I lost my husband this year. It is hard to lose anyone. But a child it takes a part of you. The only thing I can say is you take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you.

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My daughter, the mother of my twin grandchildren, died from the injuries she received in a car crash. Three more family members also died. When I look back, I think of 2007 as the year of death. An author, this led me to write four grief reconciliation/healing books and dozens of articles. Writing can be healing and I encourage all grieving people to put their thoughts in words. You may read my articles on the Open to Hope website and The Grief Toolbox website.

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@daniellemarie

Hello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭

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@daniellemarie I just want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your daughter. I think that's a mother's worst nightmare. Not only is a loss of a dearly loved one, but it's simply out of sequence, not right. I wish I had some suggestions but I too do not how I could handle such a tremendous loss.
JK

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@daniellemarie

Hello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭

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@daniellemarie I'm so sorry for your loss .Loss of a loved one is terrible but loss of a child I think must be worst since she was a part of you . My sympathy to you . If you can keep yourself busy with work or helping others this will make it easier for you its when your alone that is the worse . Been through this many times.

My husband died now almost 20 yrs ago and I miss him more today then I did then. Probably since I'm retired now and think of him more. I pray things will get better for you . Time heals but there is a grieving period you will go through with no time limit on this . With friends and talking to God if you do this will all help . Bless you

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