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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@hopeful33250,
Hi hopeful, I haven't forgotten you and all here on this forum, just trying to figure things out, and going to AA meetings. It seems impossible to find a professional who has dealt with this Spousal Abandonment thing. Actually the only one so far who has shown any interest is the VA Nutritionist, she didn't have to call me but she did and spoke with me for about 30 minutes on my health, she also asked me what happened but she was baffled as she'd never heard of anyone being abandoned like that. It's weird, guess I just have to deal with it.
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1 Reaction@muppey So good to hear from you, Mark. I'm glad to hear that you are still going to the the AA meetings and still trying to figure things out. Abandonment is a tough issue to deal with - no doubt about it. Do you have any divorce recovery groups in your area? Some are called Divorce Care, etc. often churches host these types of groups. You might find others who have dealt with abandonment, there.
I continue to wish you well and look forward to hearing from as you have time to post.
Teresa
@hopeful33250
Funny you should mention "Triggers". I had an abscess tooth the other day and couldn't get to the docs, it was Friday afternoon and didn't want to go to the ER as I'd been there twice already. At the Urgent Care Clinic on Monday morning they put a wrist band on me and then did whatever they do, gave me an antibiotic shot. They placed me in an opened (shrouded) area which faced the Nurse Station, so I was resting, waiting to see if I had any reaction to the shot. I noticed the Nurse Practioners name was the same as my X's as she'd changed her name back to her maiden name on the first day gone. With a swollen face, and In my painful delirium I asked the other Nurse why they put a "Trigger" word on my tag. "What do you mean?" Anyway I gave them some 'very dry humor lip' and I guess I shouldn't have because they were being real nice to me. The Nurse Practioner left the room, don't know if I offended her or not, but I guess they're used to grumps.
Later, after I was feeling better, I called to give them an insurance number they needed and I apologized.
Don't give friendly people any lip. "OK, I get it!"
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1 ReactionHello @punkinpie
It has been a while since you last posted and I was thinking about you. I hope you are beginning to process and adjust to the loss of your mom.
How are you feeling these days? I would enjoy hearing from you.
Teresa
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1 Reaction@liz223 Thanks for your encouraging words, Liz, I started the Gabapentin a week ago and I'm sleeping so much better! The tingling and the pain that used to wake me up is no longer there and I feel much better now that I'm sleeping better. I had a few side-effects the first couple of days - a little foggy when I first woke up - but now I'm doing great.
Teresa
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1 ReactionHello All:
This discussion group has been rather quiet for a while and I was just wondering how you were all doing. I hope that you are enjoying the summer weather and the absence of snow and ice - I certainly am.
Today, in my email box was an email from Dr. Amit Sood. He provided a couple of links to talks of his that are on Youtube. I thought of you all because the first one deals with tears - I know we usually don't like to cry! However, Dr. Sood provides some pretty compelling reasons why to let those tears flow. Take a look at this video:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=T6dgQTlQrEk
In this same email he gives another link to a talk on who we should listen to and why. When we are dealing with grief, especially in our family, many unhelpful voices come to the surface. Here are some suggestions for filtering those voices - the voices you should listen to (and be reframed by) and the ones to ignore:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_hsLwXaU3Eg
After watching these videos, I'd like to discuss them.
Teresa
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4 ReactionsHi
This is my first post
I’ve been reading some of the others’ replies and I’ve been trying to muster some courage to write. I lost my brother a year and a half ago in a plane crash. It’s been terrible for my family...we can’t seem to get over it. I understand that bad things happen, and that people die. But when the odds of something like this happening are so low...you just feel especially hated by the universe. I know that’s not a logical thought but it’s something I think about every day. I feel stuck in this grief and anger and don’t really know how to get unstuck. I need to try to find a way to go on with my life but I’m finding it so difficult....I just wanted to share that. Thank you
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4 ReactionsHello @mar1222 and thank you for sharing your situation. Loss is always hard, what helped me most was my faith and knowing that this was the proper order of things in order for us all to be reunited later. Next I learned the 5 phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Next I had to learn to assess how I was an what stage I was in, then I researched ways to cope and move beyond my current stage. I moved to depression very quickly and dealt with that by "suiting up and showing up". I made sure to complete basics every day: eat, sleep, shower, dress. My secondary list included basics that need to be done on a regular basis: go to work, do laundry, cook, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, hang up or fold my clothes, clean the floors, etc. After doing that for a while I realized that "faking it until I made it" was working and I spent less time each day in mourning and feeling sorry for myself.
Just remember that everyone moves at their own pace. Just because someone else has moved on does not mean yu are ready to, just keep taking care of what you need to and do what you can to keep living. Living means having fun. It is okay for you to laugh and enjoy your favorite things. Keep coming back. We have all been through our own grief.
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5 ReactionsHello @mar1222 and welcome to Mayo Connect and to our discussion on grief and loss.
Your feelings are so understandable! Your brother's death was completely unexpected. But please know that you are not alone. The stages of grief certainly include anger and we all move through grief at different paces.
You say that you feel stuck and don't know how to move forward. Have you talked about this with anyone else? I'm thinking of a grief group or a private counselor. If you haven't, please consider it. The best way to get "unstuck" is to keep on talking so I hope that you continue to post here.
I'd also like to tag Scott, a fellow Mentor, @IndianaScott, who knows a lot about grief after the loss of his wife, and also Member, @georgette12, who lost a son. Also, @mamacita, another Mentor who also has encouraging words for our Members.
As you continue to post on this site, you will find support and encouragement. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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2 Reactions@mar1222 Glad you found a place where you can share. There is nothing logical about grief. Be kind and patient with yourself. Was your brother older or younger than you are?
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5 Reactions