Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
@kathy4385,
There's a passage that explains your question a bit. You asked, "what His purpose is for me." "...when it comes to pass, you will know." I understand this is referring to what Jesus said was going to happen but I think it can be applied to you at the moment. None of us are world shakers and movers and not expected to be. However if you bring a little ray into someone's life maybe that's all there is to it.
The song isn't, "How Great I am!" but, "How Great Thou Art." That sounds a little preachy maybe but the truth is I've sung it both ways over the years. The former in jest to myself, the latter...
It's beautiful outside, it's not even noon and I'm ready for a nap. The last time I was just going to lay down to charge my battery but fell asleep. Sometimes when I fall asleep I'll wake with a start, gasping for breath and don't recall having a bad dream of anything. Bugs me when that happens. I like to wake easy! Naps are a new experience for me. Guess that happens when every other thing in life gets stood on end and all your energy has been stolen.
I'm tired, Good Night.
Mark
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@jimhd Could you explain more - was it memory, attention, concentration or something else?
Hi. Iknow what it is like feel alone. due to chronic illness for the past 23 years, I have gradually become more and more alone. I lost my brother who was my best friend a year and a half ago. I found, as you did, that there is no time clock on grief. You know, I have found that one thing that has helped me although it can be painful at first. I have begun to write our story..the story of our family..I write just as long as I feel like it in a journal while relaxing or even in bed.Then occasionally I type the story out on the computer, making corrections, etc as I go and adding pictures (I took a few days and cropped and scanned a bunch of pictures and scanned them onto my computer to use). Often I cry as I remember, but just as often, I laugh. This is one of the ways I process the grief. Another thing that I didis to start making photos of beautiful things, like flowersandpets and making a scrapbook as I learn how to do a better job. (Many sites online offer ideas.) Since youmentioned your Faith, I want you to really know that you are not alone. I, too am a Christian, and since I am iil, going to church is mostly impossible, so I study at home. One of my favorite verses is Psalms 91:4 ...
"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." This verse makes me feel that our God is so close. Also, at night as I fall asleep I quote the 23rd psalm to myself. You know I am always asleep before I finish it now. These are ideas that have helped me. You know best what has made you happy in the past. I encourage you to get back into the things that you love and begin to practice them again and to also try some new things. You are loved. Be blessed!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 Reactions.Great creative imagery and positive words for us all. thank you
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsHello @gemmax
I appreciate that you have shared with us so many of the tools you use to deal with your grief. The writing, the photos (I just love the kitten photo that you posted) and your faith are very important to your healing.
I urge you to keep in touch. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionGood for you! Writing is one of the best ways to figure things out and move forward in life.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsTeresa, good luck. Let us know what you decide and if it helps.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@liz223 I'll do that! Teresa
Some people take a large dosage, for others a small dosage does just as well.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@tbaxter33 I have experienced the transformation of the “Churches”. We as Christians know that the true church is within.Sadly, so few church goers even know what means now. Going to church has become a routine, like joining a country club; a place where you can get married, be baptized,have a memorial service. This has happened gradually. One can find a group of people that they feel comfortable with in some of the smaller churches in their faith where they may find some new friends and a church “family”, but you may have to try several.No group is going to be perfect, but if you are interested,it is worth a try. And food for thought;the main goa lis not to help ourselves, but to help others. Be blessed!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction