1. < Loss & Grief
Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

kathy4385 | @kathy4385 | May 2, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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Thanks for the reply, good advice, but live in very small town, and the closest evangelical church is quite a ways away, next town. I found that if its not close you dont become a regular attender. But am considering of moving back to where I grew up, where I can be closer to family. Just in the looking stage. I just dont understand what I believed to be a outreaching loving community to totally leave me so alone, especially when they told my husband that they would make sure I would be ok, and the pastor told me he would never give up on me or abandon me. But that is just what has seemed to happen.
At a lose for words.
Kathy

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | May 2, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@hopeful33250 @muppey

I just had a snack of two graham crackers with chocolate cream cheese on them. My wife has a few friends who get together on Wednesday evenings and knit, so I'm on my own for what to eat. I usually have yogurt and toast and a piece of fruit.

If I lose another 5-10 pounds, I'll be at my comfortable weight, which is the same as what I weighed in college. I'm 6' 2", and 155-160 is where I like to be.

I was on several meds that absolutely should never be stopped suddenly. I was too dizzy to walk, and I had to lie perfectly still. Just moving my eyes would make me dizzy. I was trying to take notes of everything that was happening, but I could only scrawl a sentence or two at a time. It was a nightmare I hope never to repeat.

One thing I started doing at their recommendation is to rate each day on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best day of my life. 4 is the level of active suicidality. I was a 2 in the hospital. It took at least two years to reach 5, and another 3-4 years to reach 6. At the end of last year I was back down to 5, and it's taken a year to get back up to 6. I seem to be pretty much settled in at 6.

I was diagnosed depressive bipolar, which means that my base line is lower than normal, and the highs of bipolar are still lower than what a non-depressed person would be on their normal day. I've told the therapist that I'm just really tired of depression, but I'm thinking that 6 will just be my new 9. I'm able to function, though not at the level I could before I spiraled downward into the darkness of clinical, severe depression. I do as much as I can make myself do.

Our driveway is a quarter mile long, and over the winter months it develops potholes. We are infested with ground squirrels, and they have made big holes in the bank next to the driveway, with dirt cascading down onto the driveway, creating humps. I spent some time several days filling the holes and trying to level it out. There was a section that was graded wrong, so water wouldn't drain off. I shoveled and raked a bunch of dirt to correct it. It's not perfect, but it's about as good as I can make it using a shovel and rake. I'd like to have 5 yards of gravel brought in. I think that would help maintain the driveway.

I've once again rambled down some of those squirrel holes. Sorry. I'm not doing much online these days because it's beyond my functioning level right now. One of these days maybe I'll get myself together enough to be more involved with the groups.

Jim

REPLY
2011panc | @2011panc | May 2, 2018
In reply to @gemmax "I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one..." + (show)
@gemmax

I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one person that I could always count on to be honest with me, to be calm nd helpful since I am ill. I tought I had handled my grief and then a couple of months ago, it hit me like a brickwall.

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@muppey and @gemmax your discussion of brick walls reminded me of a time that was extremely difficult for me. The standing phrase at that time was "dig a little deeper" and I thought of it often. Finally one day I was resting in the sun in the back yard and figured out that when you are at the bottom of the "old oaken" bucket and trying to dig out the bottom of the bucket with a plastic beach shovel, there is no more possibility of digging. I just had to curl up on the bottom of that bucket and wait for the rain and manna. As you can see, I eventually got out of it . . . and glad to be out.

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | May 2, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@jimhd Hi Jim:

Whenever you post it is always helpful! So do what you can. My posting has been somewhat irregular as well because of some chronic pain problems and some neuropathy. My doc would like to prescribe Gabapentin for the neuropathy, but I've heard mixed reviews. Have you taken it? If so, what was your impression?

Teresa

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | May 2, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@jimhd,
"I was too dizzy to walk, and I had to lie perfectly still" Jim! You made me dizzy reading that. What a gross experience. Sounds worse than a dizzy drunk attack. Don't know why it took me so long to learn...stubborn dude! I can't imagine what kind of sensation that would be except for that. Just gross me out. HAHA! I did it to myself even.

It's the squirrels messing with your road that's the bug here. We don't mind if you ramble some. I've shoveled a few yards of stuff over the years but not 5 yards at a go. I've watched a good gravel trucker go to the top of a road and radio down that he's coming so clear the road. Heard the diesel noise and the trucker twisted and turned and lay down a perfect 3-4 inch of road gravel all the way down. He was going fast, artist in motion. Different dance.

Got to admit, I bumbed out today. Can't help it because it just sneaks up and does it's rude business and then leaves you wondering if sleep will come tonight. I can handle waking at 3-4 but going to sleep at three and up at 5-6 sucks like a Hoover.

Take care!
What do they say? Something like, "We'll cover your six." OK, I guess it means something like 'cover your back'.

Mark

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | May 2, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@2011panc,
Glad He could help. It really does exactly what I said. Guys will never understand some things. Just the way it is.
I keep looking for your posts. It's ok if you write me rough. I'm a man and can take it...if your gentle with me.
Take care!
Mark

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | May 2, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

Jump to this post

@kathy4385
Someone out here in California knows exactly what you said and it's a sad day when it happens. I've not been in your particular situation but close enough that I really do understand.
One guy basically called me a liar one evening. He didn't think my little story, which included a woman, an x husband, me, and a gun was true, just "BS". Last time I dated her, she wasn't divorced yet, she didn't tell me that part.
I'm not a liar so when I tell you I was there I could write a long post and bore you, slam the preacher, the church and the others involved, but that wouldn't help. I wrote a poem a long time ago titled. It Hurts When They Steal Your Dreams Away. (got angry one day and burned a of of stuff)

It's wrong to steal anything whether it's tangible or intangible. Your car is tangible, your heart is not, your dreams aren't and your hopes are not tangible items. People steal them anyway and think nothing of it. That's where the heartache comes from. Betrayal of trust is just mean and you have every right to cry over it.

If you want to take your mind off of your troubles for a while. Get a job running one of God's Nebulas. Think you got trouble now? How do you manage a star? Don't ask me, but these Nebulas are birthing stars all the...for a really long time. How to build one. Let's see, a couple of Googolplexians of oxygen, plus a table spoon of baking soda. Yikes!

(Googlepexian: The worlds largest number with a name. A "1" followed by a googolplex of zeros. Googolplex: The second largest number with a name. A "1" followed by a googol of zeros. Googol: A large number.)

When you get done with your first one I want an invite to the Star Warming. That'll be HOT!

Years ago some chick wrote me an invite to the 40th, 8th grade reunion. When I opened it a lot of Stars and Stardust fell out. Then she signed it xoxoxo. (hint)
Took me years to figure out what that meant.
It took a woman to tell me. Hugs & kisses...etc. Pretty sure I still have that invite.
Goodnight.

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | May 2, 2018
In reply to @gemmax "I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one..." + (show)
@gemmax

I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one person that I could always count on to be honest with me, to be calm nd helpful since I am ill. I tought I had handled my grief and then a couple of months ago, it hit me like a brickwall.

Jump to this post

@sunnymygirl
Thanks, nice! It's like we are all little creators here. What's bigger than a little love?

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | May 2, 2018
In reply to @gemmax "I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one..." + (show)
@gemmax

I lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one person that I could always count on to be honest with me, to be calm nd helpful since I am ill. I tought I had handled my grief and then a couple of months ago, it hit me like a brickwall.

Jump to this post

@2011panc,
Was it dark down there? Nice to hear from you some more. Far out? That's an old hippie thing. Glad you're enjoying the sunshine. I've been trying to take little walks around the acres here and sometimes up the road. I've never been a walker, a little hiking but mostly my Jeep. Now I get to walk behind the mower. The grass is growing big this year. Where'd that drought go? Belay that! Don't need more drought, water needs hauling to my house when that happens. Money too, they haul the money out and let me haul the water. I pay them?

Funny listening to the wild turkeys out there right now. Those Tom's are the biggest show offs...ain't I pretty? What's that all about? Women are pretty in this world and in Turkey World the guys are. Fun to watch them though. All the turkey chicks get on the outside and watch, who's gonna win the prize. LOL. Strange a bunch of birds can make you laugh. Ever seen a flock of Robbins after munching on a pyrochantha bush. The berries are fermented and the birds are stoned and can't stay on the wire. My Dad used to go out back and laugh his head off. Used to be hundreds in a big drunken bird goof. We never see videos of that stuff on tv.

REPLY
liz223 | @liz223 | May 3, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

Hopeful, I was given Gabapentin by my Neurologist years ago when I first went to him. It really helped with no side effects that I was aware of. It stopped my stinging entirely. I tried increasing my dose to help with my herniated disc pain, but no help there, so now coming back off to a small dose. No problems at all. Good luck!

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