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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@muppey I hope you find a meeting soon. They can be so supportive!
I look forward to hearing from you again - you add a lot of compassion and empathy to our discussion group, Mark.
Teresa
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2 Reactions@tbaxter33
Too often people say that things are God's will that are far from His will. I don't think that the sudden death of a child or the horrific genocide happening against Christians in Nigeria are God's will. I will concede that He can turn around a painful event to be a growing or learning experience for us. Certainly, we know that He's aware of all that happens, and allows things to happen, but He doesn't will things like the death of your son. I don't know how you feel about suicide as a sin. I've heard too many people say categorically that anyone who commits suicide is going to hell. I don't agree with that statement. I know that some will, if they didn't know Jesus, but I don't believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin that prevents a person from going to heaven.
I've made a number of suicide attempts myself, and I know that I wasn't thinking rationally at those times. I just wanted to end the pain. To a person at that place, suicide IS a rational decision, and often no amount of criticizing or judging or persuading can prevent an attempt by a determined person. For someone to say things to me like "Suicide is a selfish act." or "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", only irritated me. They certainly didn't have an effect on my wanting to die. When I was swallowing a handful of pills, calling a suicide hotline was the last thing I'd do because they'd only try to stop me. DUH!
Anyway, I agree with you that not everything that happens in this world is God's will.
Gotta go help my wife get supper on the table.
Jim
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5 ReactionsNo, its very small, When I have gone, like for funerals etc. I am left totally alone, so is easier to stay away. Dont know if you have ever been in a crowd, and felt alone, but that is how I feel in my church. People say hi and walk away, no one asks me sit with them, or wants to talk with me. Just a tough situation, I believe they are following the lead of the person I hurt.
Kathy
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1 ReactionHope you may have called around or something made way for you to go to your meeting, @muppey.
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1 Reaction@muppey
The facility where I spent 6 weeks was owned and operated by a hospital. It was locked, but I admitted myself, so I could have left anytime. There were several group therapy sessions every day, attendance required. I found the groups marginally helpful.
I asked the facility to keep my profession confidential because I knew that people would want to tell me their problems. I made it for 4 or 5 weeks, then in one group session the facilitator pressed me to tell what my 24/7 job was. It was really frustrating, and exactly what I hoped to avoid did happen. I was there because I needed help. I didn't want to be a pastor to the other patients.
I would have preferred to have more down time. I just wanted to stay in my room, alone. The main reason I was there was to be in a safe place, to get a break from suicidal possibilities. I think I was more severely depressed than most.
The typical stay is a week or so, but I knew that I wasn't safe to leave. After awhile the group session curriculum cycled, and I was just hearing the same thing that wasn't very useful the first time around. It did get boring.
I went back 3 months later and the staff was very rude and did and said things that were totally inappropriate. One thing they did was just stop all of my meds. When I got home, I wrote a strongly worded letter to the hospital and the safe home, and I guess I ruffled some feathers and changes were made. I was really angry with the staff. On the third day, I met with the whole staff and made it pretty clear that I had several grievances, and what exactly they were. I was disgusted with the way they treated me. I walked out that day.
My psychiatrist told me that my letter had quite an effect, and that significant changes were made. I hope that if I ever need to go back, I'd be treated with more respect. I might find a different place, though.
I agree that regular hospitals are pretty boring.
I'm trying to lose weight. I lost 60 pounds a couple of years ago, but I've put 15 back on. Yard work is helping. So far I've lost five. My weakness is chocolate and most other sweets. I'm restricting myself to one piece of candy per day, and taking smaller portions at meals.
Jim
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5 ReactionsHello Jim @jimhd
I am glad to hear that your letter got some results and led to some changes at the hospital. Even though the hospitalization wasn't the best for you, you made an impact for others.
I know what you mean about a "chocolate-weakness." That is mine as well. I am now pre-diabetic and I just need to avoid chocolate as much as possible. It certainly is not easy, though.
Teresa
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2 ReactionsHi Jim, @jimhd
You provided all the most used platitudes - they are rather useless when a person is under the cloud of depression.
Teresa
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2 ReactionsI lost my brother who was also my best friend. He was my touchstone. The one person that I could always count on to be honest with me, to be calm nd helpful since I am ill. I tought I had handled my grief and then a couple of months ago, it hit me like a brickwall.
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4 Reactions@gemmax -- I see you are a fairly new member here on Connect, so wanted to say "welcome."
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I feel similarly about my sister, who is my only sibling, and can't imagine losing her.
My understanding of the grief process is that it can come in waves, just as you described. I'd like to introduce you to a few members who might have some insights on your loss and grieving process, like @jimhd, @hopeful33250, @muppey, @sunnymygirl, and @kathy4385.
@gemmax -- have you found anything to be helpful as you've gone through your grieving the loss of your brother?
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2 ReactionsHello @gemmax I am Scott and I am sorry to read of your loss. I lost my wife just over a year and a half ago and I can understand your comment well. Grief is a strange, twisted journey all its own and one that follows its own path, ebbing and flowing often at very unexpected times and places. I've found my grief has been totally different from the path so often attributed to it in so many of the books and pamphlets I was given.
I wish I had an answer to handling grief better for us all. The only things I can say are two things that have tended to help me. First, I have accepted that feelings of loss and grief will always be with me from now on. Accepting this has made me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin these days. Second, I've tried to keep busier than I used to be since, for me at least, it is the quiet times when I find I struggle the most with my grief.
I wish you continued courage, strength, and peace!
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