1. < Loss & Grief
Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

grandmaR | @grandmar | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

Jim
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I cannot imagine the mental and physical pain you experience.
You are so right to say that it is a spiral. Some say we have to spiral all the way down to get up again. I don't know about that.
I know what you mean about your wife getting tired of taking care of you. I am currently at that point, too. My husband does not feel physically great himself. Although I can take care of my own hygienic needs, he cares for everything else. Because of my physical issues, the amount of help I need can vary day to day, but even on the good days, he won't let me take any chances. I notice that lately he is becoming short with me. I know it is due to frustration and the sadness he feels for me and my condition. Our lives are on hold until and if I can get help.
Life is certainly a challenge, but I am happy to be here.
ronnie

REPLY
liz223 | @liz223 | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

I take care of my husband now in many ways. I am not free of pain myself due to sciatica, but I'm far better off than he is. I hope I am able to do for him as long as he needs me. Yes, we sometimes get frustrated and short with each other, but this is only human nature. I am thankful that we're still together after 62 years and I know he would do the same for me. Hang tough!

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@jimhd,
"the word abandoned in my mind". Abandonment is a cruel thing to deal with. You perceive it but others don't. I've wondered about that and I sort of think that they see you in a group of people..."How can you feel abandoned?" That's something I've wondered about. Emotional abandonment is every bit as valid, disorienting and painful as physical. In the past I'd hear little comments which made me wonder what's on her mind, but not enough to clue me in. Physical presence isn't always that comforting. Is the prisoner comforted by his armed guard? Maybe not the best analogy but I've been a prisoner guard before in the Army and that's where I draw that from.
I often go to the word itself which helps me understand in different words what is going on. Sometimes it's a new word so I'll look up synonyms' for the word. I do that in my Bible studies also, sometimes the meaning changes a lot when you dig it up.
be·tray·al
bəˈtrāəl,bēˈtrāəl/
noun
the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery.
synonyms: disloyalty, treachery, bad faith, faithlessness, falseness, duplicity, deception, double-dealing; breach of faith, breach of trust, stab in the back; double-cross, sellout; literaryperfidy
"betrayal in the workplace" (Google)

To me, when I look at those words I get a clearer picture of why this word is so full of bad stuff that leads up to your (our) actions and often lack of action or ability to get a project done. People just think your crazy, lazy, but you know what you've done in the past and know you are not lazy or incompetent, just powerfully distracted.

Writing another book here. Let me know what you think because I'm learning from you and know that I'll get some clues. Few others out there know! I'm determined to beat this thing and have taken steps to accomplish that. Can't do it alone. I spent about 45 days trying to figure it out on my own just sitting here reading and occasionally going to the store. People help, an empathetic person or group of Mayo People are very helpful for me, and I suspect for you. Pain Sucks!
Read you next time!
Mark

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@liz223
62 years? That a record? Ever get written up in the local newspaper? Should be a good story.
mark

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

Jump to this post

@kathy4385

I agree that the process is very much unique to each of us.

I never told anyone about the issues I was dealing with the first 55 years of my life. I was at such an incredibly dark place when I began seeing therapists that everything just flooded out over time. My first therapist wasn't my best, but when I started seeing a new one, I found it cathartic to talk through things. I started therapy in 2006, and basically saw a new one every year because of the turnover at the clinic.

I went for 18 months between therapists, until the current one came to town a year ago. I've told him things I'd never told anyone else.

It takes time to get used to a therapist, and I never thought I'd ever see one, but thanks to them, I'm alive today. I'm thankful for Medicare.

Jim

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@muppey

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm sleepy, too sleepy to respond. Maybe this evening after I get home from church I'll be able to gather my thoughts.

Jim

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 30, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

Jump to this post

@jimhd
I just re-read your post.
You said, "and stayed for six weeks." That's a long time in the slammer. Did you kinda get bored out of your mind? What do you do to keep occupied for six weeks?
The first time I spent a night in the hospital was in Germany guarding some prisoners. That was really boring. Prisoners really just wanted to go home, they were fresh from Vietnam and really wanted to stay in the USA. Felt for them.

The next time was last Feb 2-3. I was laying on the bed when the night nurse came in at 2:30am. "This is really boring!" I said. "Watch tv!" Boring! Don't know how you do that.

I really hope you're feeling better by the day, it's happening here, but I just can't get my energy back...Oh yeah, eat something, that'll do the trick. Maybe, but it's that other thing. I know you know. How's your appetite? All that fresh food you're going to grow should work. In Montara, CA, I planted Snow or Sugar Peas. It's a sneaky way to get the kids to eat some veggies. I was weeding and eating the peas off the vine when the kids saw me and naturally wanted some. Eat all you want! They liked them so didn't get much to the table but who cares. Now I want to grow some. Guess I'll have a piece of cinnamon toast instead.

Take care and get better.
Mark

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 30, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

Jump to this post

@kathy4385,
"hard for me to talk to strangers,". How strange are they? Just kidding. Bet you there are others here who find it hard to talk to strangers, including me, I fake it. However I've been meditating on this personal problem thing and to me it came down to this. "I'm sorry for the way things are in China! But more than anything else, I'm sorry for my self...". That's from John Denver.

I've been listening to old time music which I like. Anyway, all he's saying is he really doesn't care if there is threat of volcanic eruption, nuclear war or anything else. What matters is his pain. That's not being selfish it's being human and other humans, especially those close, are supposed to pick up and help you, me and the other's here.

I hope I'm not lecturing it's just I've been thinking about it and why I can't even get my own family to lend an ear. Whatever! I understand that they don't understand.

At one AA meeting I mentioned that eventually you'll find someone who really understands. A few weeks later a woman mentioned that she is dealing with a sociopath in her divorce process. It's a huge problem, they are very clever, conniving and all around impossible to deal with especially if you let them know you are on to them, they hate that, and will make you look crazy. AA discourages arranging meetings between the sexes because they do, so I didn't exactly have a match but I was able to talk with her a few minutes and at least tell her I understood and she reciprocated. At least one person understands.

Sorry you can't find someone to talk to or just listen, it's a healer. Try this! Become an alcoholic and then join AA, lot's of nice people there. Just kidding of course but something like that. Pain Sucks with a capital letter. Heartache is a real thing not just a nebulous song. AMA is just beginning to recognize it as a real thing which actually hurts but is not a real Heart Attack, but very long lasting and painful. No one understands that unless they've been truly hit by it. No medication for it either. Take an aspirin, is what they said.

I do some bit of praying and have a list by my bed, your names on it. Expect a helping hand one day. It happens. There are others who pray here so I bet you are on other lists somewhere. "I know your thoughts..." What? Interesting to me. Imagine that your thoughts are prayers. What's a prayer but a thought? Just a 'Man Thinking'. Book Title.

Empathy is a great word, even better when practiced.
Hope you feel better soon.
Mark

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | May 1, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

Jump to this post

@muppey

I appreciate the way the AA is helping you. Not sure if our Members are aware of this, but there are meetings similar to AA that anyone can attend (even if they are not alcoholic). They are called ACoA groups. The ACoA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families (we can probably all relate to that one). It runs just like any other 12-Step Group. Here is a website where you can find out if any are located near you http://www.meetings.adultchildren.org/find-a-meeting1

According to their Mission Statement,
"The specific purpose for which this corporation is organized is to serve the Fellowship of Adult Children of Alcoholics [and otherwise Dysfunctional Families*].
It is in effect an agency created and now designated by that Fellowship to maintain services for those seeking, through Adult Children of Alcoholics [and otherwise Dysfunctional Families*], the means for arresting the emotional disease of family alcoholism.
This is done by sharing information and experiences with one another and by applying to their own lives, in whole or in part, the Twelve steps which constitute the recovery program upon which Alcoholics Anonymous is founded.
Excerpted from the Adult Children of Alcoholics Article of Incorporation, January 12, 1987.**"

Teresa

REPLY
kathy4385 | @kathy4385 | May 1, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

Jump to this post

Thank you Mark for replying. My feeling here are no longer important. I know that God loves me and that will have to be enough. I am trying with Gods help to not be resentful, or to hold anything against anyone who have hurt me. I have forgiven them and will continue to do so, cause I know that satan will continue to attack. I just want all the hurt to go away, and for my friends to understand that I was in a dark place, and things are getting lighter, but sure would be nice to have my church family back, cause I surly do miss the fellowship. And believe I need it to completely be able to grieve. To have the loving arms and support of those who used to care for me. My husband told me before he died to stay in the church because they would look out for me and take care of me. But to my dismay they have turned their backs, because it was taking me so long to " get over it". But I guess unless you have lost someone so close to you, you cant understand. So I try to hold nothing against anyone.
Kathy

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.