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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

Sunnyday | @sunnymygirl | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @muppey "Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my..." + (show)
@muppey

Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt...then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!

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Thanks Muppey! My anger is much better! I’m down to mostly irritation. Nothing remains the same, not even our loved ones but I’m much better and allow myself to cry, feel her loss and miss her daily. I have to live and go forward, not easy but has to be done. I appreciate all of your thoughts. You all help me so much. Thanks.

REPLY
2011panc | @2011panc | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@muppey Thanks for the check! I haven't been on much. I took a back fall about a month ago that really set me back (fell on one knee and ended up in ER, only soft tissue damage thankfully) and I've been sort of licking my wounds. I am in a good place now, except for feeling a little overwhelmed. My knee is good enough to walk again and I am cleared by my back surgeon for full activity and started rehab yesterday.

My week has been full. The HS baseball team had three games this week. They are off to a bad start, 1/2 of their team graduated last spring so they are basically starting over.

I finally met the latest baby in our circle, 9 weeks after birth! We kept missing each other. He is a honey and my position as baby whisperer is intact! lol My last nephew (nearly 3 now) and his momma stopped by for a few minutes this week on their way through town. He is the one that I went to stay with when his momma was getting ready to return to work. What a big boy he has gotten to be! We took a little walk and explored the neighbor's yards and delivered their mail that had been put in our mailbox. It was fun walking down the street with his little hand in mine and talking about how the neighborhood has changed since we moved here over 30 years ago.

I cooked an entire meal by myself all in one go. Something I have not been able to do for over 8 years. I made a vat of taco meat and have happily been eating tacos every day.

Our lawn, tulips and strawberries are greening up and the trees are budding out. The pines are dropping their cones and my husband has power raked (with his arms) all the lawns. By the end of May everything should be leafed out and starting to flower.

After at least a year of looking and negotiating, we bought a new car. We had been looking around and finally found something we both agreed on and liked. I'm smiling because it is the exact car I had wanted but didn't think he would agree to. He had been resisting by looking at almost everything else and suggesting numerous alternatives. He wanted full-sized but I wanted economy. I was willing to compromise on mid-size for the best of both worlds and the salesman (and car) finally convinced him that we don't really need a full size. lol

I took an alternative yoga class last week and discovered how much flexibility I have lost. PT also showed me how much stamina and flexibility I have lost. I have a good plan of action in place now, I just have to work it. Pray for me please. I know I will ache and really don't want to after being relieved of extreme back pain for such a long time. Weenie, I know.

Last night our in-laws invited us out for dinner and a play. It was good to get out and visit with them, but not my favorite restaurant or type of play. They loved it, so I didn't say anything I realize how picky I have become about certain things. Having limited stamina, I no longer feel the need to go to everything.

Now we are preparing for my next trip to Rochester, MN and a wedding near Albany, NY. That will fill my May. It is good to have some fun things to look forward to. I hope you find more hopefulness also.

I have seen so many nutritionists that I am a little jaded about them. At our age it can be tough to change a lifetime of eating habits, but I am sure once you start feeling better it will become easier. There was a while when I couldn't eat and had to use Boost, but I am gratefully past that now. I also lost a lot of weight at that time. My mother commented on it and when I had a lukewarm response she asked if I was not happy about it. I said I was happy to have lost the weight, but not how it came about. I have put some on and now struggle to keep it off. I am not happy that I have put some on over the last 2 months with the opioids, steroids and inactivity of recovery from spinal surgery and the fall that took my leg out. I am now renewed in determination to choose good food and raise my movement. Sounds like you need several months in your easy chair with donuts and ice cream. lol

Blessings and prayers continue for you. I am glad you have checked back in after being gone a while.

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@2011panc
"Weenie, I know." Let them go through all that and see if they call you "weenie". I won't. Ticks my grits when people shrug and say that stupid saying..."Get over it!" OK, I'm all done thanks to you and your commanding ways! (Dork)

I'm tempted to move closer to my son Luke and my grandchildren but it'd break my heart to leave here. Luke lives in the CA Valley and it's flat. Some hills but, flat. Hot too! It's hot here but it seems bearable because I've got a swamp cooler with a small air conditioner as backup and it's a lot prettier here. Swamp cooler doesn't cost much to operate, more like burning an old time 100 watt bulb.

Just spent an hour cutting the field grass around my home. Still have about 10 hours to go. Wish Sarah was here!

I've got you and others on my prayer list by my bed. Pain Sucks and some people know that! I have one friend who's got prostrate cancer and he's only about 40 with a wife and two kids. He doesn't seem to be down about it but maybe he's a stoic so I don't bother trying to talk to him, he doesn't even seem to like it if I say "How you and yours doing.' He just says "Fine!" then moves away so I let it rest. I told him to call if he needed anything.

A girl brought up Job the other day. I told her I know Job and have often wondered how he put up with all that. Talk about pain and seemingly no solution, just acceptance and praise God who does no wrong. I don't blame God but I get a little testy and then think of King David who would get bummed out and go write a Psalm praising God. Wonders to me!

I guess it wasn't funny, but my brother Stephen was at the VA Hospital for the last time. Steve had already taken me out back at Mom's house and told me he was going to die in about 3 weeks and wanted me to have his Jeep, still have it. I took him there! After the Docs examined Steve they came out to me and were puzzled. "Is your brother a stoic or something?" I don't remember what I said but whatever Steve said or did confused them. I smile about it because Steve was more a philosopher and always out in the Stars somewhere. He was a great person to talk with, very patient and understanding, a rare commodity. Steve also told me he was fine with Jesus and wasn't worried.

Another funny. A lady friend was having some medical problems and was visiting her girlfriend where Murphys Creek runs through. She fell backwards into the creek and was floating down wondering how she was going to get out of this mess, she said her goodbye prayers when her husband dragged her out. She said it was really cold. It was only funny because the way she told the story and was able to laugh at it.

Wish I could find a real live person to talk with but I've had this problem since, oh...about forever. VA Therapist dragged it out of me and said, "Then you're a loner!" Not by choice originally but I had to accept it. It's OK if you're strong but I haven't recovered my strength. The X used to talk about 'energy thieves'...didn't know she was one.

You and Yours take care!
Nice to hear from you!
Mark

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@muppey
Mark: What a great collection of stories. Interesting and full of meaning and personal tidbits.
Teresa

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@lisalucier
Thanks! Yes, I've done some study on this "ghosting" thing, and other connected things, like dealing with lies and deceit. I think the term came from the internet where online people would connect, and because it was an easy thing to do, if a person decided they didn't like the other person they'd just 'disappear' and leave the poor guy or girl wondering what happened. That hurts too!

My research indicated that "Spousal Abandonment Syndrome" is not very common but does happen enough that some people are studying to find a way to deal with it. The AMA is also delving into the study of heartbreak. What little I found is the Docs tell us that the heart is really attacked put not like a 'real heart attack' but some kind of enlargement. It hurts like, a lot, and doesn't seem to stop. The heartache has only been around 70 some days so I take people's suggestion that it gets better after 20-30 years. (Kidding) It varies between people, some say two years, 5 years, more, YIKES. My thought is that I'm not letting those people get me down for long. I'm getting better and mentioned to panc, or littleone that I'm going to get better and I do have a written plan. This site is the beginning, AA is another step, then VA Doc, VA Dietician, hired a Lady Therapist in town here, then other things.

Today I mowed the field grass for a bit over an hour, so that's what I do. "Baby Steps!"

One problem is, I really like women but don't want to get to close to anyone right now. There are a lot of widows and divorced women around here, but I'm not into "sharing the pain". What woman wants to deal with that? "Hi honey, yes, I invited you to dinner to talk about my X." I don't think so! When I get better I'll venture out. Not now!

This site is excellent for "sharing the pain" because we are anonymous and everyone is helpful. Thank You!

I'll get there! Thanks for being here.

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@kathy4385
"My friends and neighbors don't understand,"
That has to be the most frustrating thing to deal with! It seems people just dismiss you when you need an ear if nothing else, "Just hear me please." Weird, but they won't do that for you. I think I'll do a search and find someone who's written on this phenomenon. It's probably something like they don't want to because it is so far from them they just don't understand, or it frightens them. Guess that's why we have Therapists. At least they'll listen for a fee!

Take care and leave your pain hear and we'll try to help. Empathy or Anitpathy? I think your church is supposed to adhere to Empathy.
Mark

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

Mark,

Usually, someone who says, "Get over it" is clueless as to what they think you should get over. When I'm told that I should be over it, I tend just to feel worse.

I sharpened the 3 blades on my riding mower the other day. The job goes a lot faster with fresh edges. I have a lot of lawn, and more ground that doesn't qualify as lawn, but has to be mowed from time to time. Property does provide ample opportunity to putter.

Getting over a cold is a bit easier and faster than getting over abandonment. I don't know. Do we ever really get over that sort of thing? My therapist told me that moving forward doesn't necessarily mean letting go. I've tried. Moving forward is no walk in the park, either.

The daffodils have faded, the tulips, forsythia, iris, hyacinth, crabapple, pear, peach and apple trees are in bloom. One of these days I'll be able to set out the tomato and pepper plants and plant squash, cucumber, pumpkin and pea seeds, along with some petunias and other flowers. I used to enjoy doing the spring planting, but now it's a chore. Depression erases the joy. But life has to go on.

I finished knitting a scarf yesterday that I'm giving to my therapist for his birthday, and started one for myself today, a black and red one. Some delayed gratification when you finish a wool scarf in April or May.

It's good to know you're working on a plan for moving forward.

Jim

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd
Jim, I didn't know you were abandoned like that. Sorry! Can you fill me in on what happened. Maybe your bored of repeating yourself but I don't think that's the case here, that is, I'd like to know. Part of getting over it is finding some one to listen, or read, same thing I think.
Jealous of your garden and all. If I had the water I'd do that. I think it was the second year I put my little garden in I bought this "Super Duper Organic Soil Amendment". Nothing would grow! My son Luke is an Agricultural Chemist so I called him and he said it was probably some trash grass clippings from golf course's and such. He said he bought some in bulk one year and nothing grew. He tried to get his money back but they shined him on. Bummer's, kind of like paying them to steal from you.

Anyway good to hear from you. I'll try not to be a stranger here but I can't promise. One guy from another planet wanted to get together on the internet. It was going to be about the Gospel. I gave him a short what for on my part and told him to be patient with me as I come and go sometimes. Haven't heard from him since. Maybe he's still thinking about it. Oh well.

Get over it! Haha...stuff it! That's just being ignorant rude, but forgivable because they have no clue what you are trying to say.

We'll back you!
Mark

REPLY
kathy4385 | @kathy4385 | Apr 28, 2018
In reply to @kathy4385 "I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband..." + (show)
@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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Yes, I agree, and at first they were, but I guess they think it should be time to get over it, and they moved on, when I still wasn't ready, so I have been left out.
So I just stay away'
Cant do therapists, as I have no insurance. and is hard for me to talk to strangers, at least face to face.
Thanks for your note.
Kathy

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Apr 29, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

In 2004-'06, I attempted suicide numerous times by overdose. I agreed, after talking with my doctor, to check myself into a facility for people who have survived suicide attempts in November of '05, and stayed for six weeks. While I was there, I woke up one morning with the word abandoned in my mind. A therapist suggested I think about that in my room. My first concrete thought was that God had not abandoned me.

I had a good childhood, but my father was pretty much an absent parent because of his work as a pastor, and the need to work a second job to support us. I've lived with the feeling of being unimportant to him, even though I knew he loved me.

I don't like to get into too much detail about the months leading up to my hospitalization. I'll just say that there was a small group of women in the church where I was the pastor who turned on me and spread lies about me in the church, and of course, being in a very small community, the libel and slander spread outside the church. All of this was happening after I had begun the downward spiral into depression, and I had made attempts when that started. I was completely disabled by depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicidal ideation, and I couldn't deal with what was happening. After a second brief stay in the same facility a few months later I applied for Social Security disability and was approved the first time I applied.

So, the bulk of the abandonment had to do with that mess. I retired at the end of that summer, '06, and moved to a home we had bought two years before then. Retirement at 55 was not our plan, but it had to happen.

There's a lot of stuff involved in depression, and being married to someone who's as far down as I was is a huge challenge. My wife and I are still committed to each other, but my wife got tired of caring for me years ago, which has made me feel abandoned by her emotionally. That's something that I have a hard time with. I know she still loves me, but I don't have the support that would help me with recovery.

Gotta go. Time for bed.

Jim

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