@lisalucier
Thanks! Yes, I've done some study on this "ghosting" thing, and other connected things, like dealing with lies and deceit. I think the term came from the internet where online people would connect, and because it was an easy thing to do, if a person decided they didn't like the other person they'd just 'disappear' and leave the poor guy or girl wondering what happened. That hurts too!

My research indicated that "Spousal Abandonment Syndrome" is not very common but does happen enough that some people are studying to find a way to deal with it. The AMA is also delving into the study of heartbreak. What little I found is the Docs tell us that the heart is really attacked put not like a 'real heart attack' but some kind of enlargement. It hurts like, a lot, and doesn't seem to stop. The heartache has only been around 70 some days so I take people's suggestion that it gets better after 20-30 years. (Kidding) It varies between people, some say two years, 5 years, more, YIKES. My thought is that I'm not letting those people get me down for long. I'm getting better and mentioned to panc, or littleone that I'm going to get better and I do have a written plan. This site is the beginning, AA is another step, then VA Doc, VA Dietician, hired a Lady Therapist in town here, then other things.

Today I mowed the field grass for a bit over an hour, so that's what I do. "Baby Steps!"

One problem is, I really like women but don't want to get to close to anyone right now. There are a lot of widows and divorced women around here, but I'm not into "sharing the pain". What woman wants to deal with that? "Hi honey, yes, I invited you to dinner to talk about my X." I don't think so! When I get better I'll venture out. Not now!

This site is excellent for "sharing the pain" because we are anonymous and everyone is helpful. Thank You!

I'll get there! Thanks for being here.

@muppey

Mark,

Usually, someone who says, "Get over it" is clueless as to what they think you should get over. When I'm told that I should be over it, I tend just to feel worse.

I sharpened the 3 blades on my riding mower the other day. The job goes a lot faster with fresh edges. I have a lot of lawn, and more ground that doesn't qualify as lawn, but has to be mowed from time to time. Property does provide ample opportunity to putter.

Getting over a cold is a bit easier and faster than getting over abandonment. I don't know. Do we ever really get over that sort of thing? My therapist told me that moving forward doesn't necessarily mean letting go. I've tried. Moving forward is no walk in the park, either.

The daffodils have faded, the tulips, forsythia, iris, hyacinth, crabapple, pear, peach and apple trees are in bloom. One of these days I'll be able to set out the tomato and pepper plants and plant squash, cucumber, pumpkin and pea seeds, along with some petunias and other flowers. I used to enjoy doing the spring planting, but now it's a chore. Depression erases the joy. But life has to go on.

I finished knitting a scarf yesterday that I'm giving to my therapist for his birthday, and started one for myself today, a black and red one. Some delayed gratification when you finish a wool scarf in April or May.

It's good to know you're working on a plan for moving forward.

Jim

@jimhd
Jim, I didn't know you were abandoned like that. Sorry! Can you fill me in on what happened. Maybe your bored of repeating yourself but I don't think that's the case here, that is, I'd like to know. Part of getting over it is finding some one to listen, or read, same thing I think.
Jealous of your garden and all. If I had the water I'd do that. I think it was the second year I put my little garden in I bought this "Super Duper Organic Soil Amendment". Nothing would grow! My son Luke is an Agricultural Chemist so I called him and he said it was probably some trash grass clippings from golf course's and such. He said he bought some in bulk one year and nothing grew. He tried to get his money back but they shined him on. Bummer's, kind of like paying them to steal from you.

Anyway good to hear from you. I'll try not to be a stranger here but I can't promise. One guy from another planet wanted to get together on the internet. It was going to be about the Gospel. I gave him a short what for on my part and told him to be patient with me as I come and go sometimes. Haven't heard from him since. Maybe he's still thinking about it. Oh well.

Get over it! Haha...stuff it! That's just being ignorant rude, but forgivable because they have no clue what you are trying to say.

We'll back you!
Mark

@muppey

In 2004-'06, I attempted suicide numerous times by overdose. I agreed, after talking with my doctor, to check myself into a facility for people who have survived suicide attempts in November of '05, and stayed for six weeks. While I was there, I woke up one morning with the word abandoned in my mind. A therapist suggested I think about that in my room. My first concrete thought was that God had not abandoned me.

I had a good childhood, but my father was pretty much an absent parent because of his work as a pastor, and the need to work a second job to support us. I've lived with the feeling of being unimportant to him, even though I knew he loved me.

I don't like to get into too much detail about the months leading up to my hospitalization. I'll just say that there was a small group of women in the church where I was the pastor who turned on me and spread lies about me in the church, and of course, being in a very small community, the libel and slander spread outside the church. All of this was happening after I had begun the downward spiral into depression, and I had made attempts when that started. I was completely disabled by depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicidal ideation, and I couldn't deal with what was happening. After a second brief stay in the same facility a few months later I applied for Social Security disability and was approved the first time I applied.

So, the bulk of the abandonment had to do with that mess. I retired at the end of that summer, '06, and moved to a home we had bought two years before then. Retirement at 55 was not our plan, but it had to happen.

There's a lot of stuff involved in depression, and being married to someone who's as far down as I was is a huge challenge. My wife and I are still committed to each other, but my wife got tired of caring for me years ago, which has made me feel abandoned by her emotionally. That's something that I have a hard time with. I know she still loves me, but I don't have the support that would help me with recovery.

Gotta go. Time for bed.

Jim

Jim
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I cannot imagine the mental and physical pain you experience.
You are so right to say that it is a spiral. Some say we have to spiral all the way down to get up again. I don't know about that.
I know what you mean about your wife getting tired of taking care of you. I am currently at that point, too. My husband does not feel physically great himself. Although I can take care of my own hygienic needs, he cares for everything else. Because of my physical issues, the amount of help I need can vary day to day, but even on the good days, he won't let me take any chances. I notice that lately he is becoming short with me. I know it is due to frustration and the sadness he feels for me and my condition. Our lives are on hold until and if I can get help.
Life is certainly a challenge, but I am happy to be here.
ronnie

I take care of my husband now in many ways. I am not free of pain myself due to sciatica, but I'm far better off than he is. I hope I am able to do for him as long as he needs me. Yes, we sometimes get frustrated and short with each other, but this is only human nature. I am thankful that we're still together after 62 years and I know he would do the same for me. Hang tough!

@jimhd,
"the word abandoned in my mind". Abandonment is a cruel thing to deal with. You perceive it but others don't. I've wondered about that and I sort of think that they see you in a group of people..."How can you feel abandoned?" That's something I've wondered about. Emotional abandonment is every bit as valid, disorienting and painful as physical. In the past I'd hear little comments which made me wonder what's on her mind, but not enough to clue me in. Physical presence isn't always that comforting. Is the prisoner comforted by his armed guard? Maybe not the best analogy but I've been a prisoner guard before in the Army and that's where I draw that from.
I often go to the word itself which helps me understand in different words what is going on. Sometimes it's a new word so I'll look up synonyms' for the word. I do that in my Bible studies also, sometimes the meaning changes a lot when you dig it up.
be·tray·al
bəˈtrāəl,bēˈtrāəl/
noun
the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery.
synonyms: disloyalty, treachery, bad faith, faithlessness, falseness, duplicity, deception, double-dealing; breach of faith, breach of trust, stab in the back; double-cross, sellout; literaryperfidy
"betrayal in the workplace" (Google)

To me, when I look at those words I get a clearer picture of why this word is so full of bad stuff that leads up to your (our) actions and often lack of action or ability to get a project done. People just think your crazy, lazy, but you know what you've done in the past and know you are not lazy or incompetent, just powerfully distracted.

Writing another book here. Let me know what you think because I'm learning from you and know that I'll get some clues. Few others out there know! I'm determined to beat this thing and have taken steps to accomplish that. Can't do it alone. I spent about 45 days trying to figure it out on my own just sitting here reading and occasionally going to the store. People help, an empathetic person or group of Mayo People are very helpful for me, and I suspect for you. Pain Sucks!
Read you next time!
Mark

@liz223
62 years? That a record? Ever get written up in the local newspaper? Should be a good story.
mark

@muppey

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm sleepy, too sleepy to respond. Maybe this evening after I get home from church I'll be able to gather my thoughts.

Jim

@jimhd
I just re-read your post.
You said, "and stayed for six weeks." That's a long time in the slammer. Did you kinda get bored out of your mind? What do you do to keep occupied for six weeks?
The first time I spent a night in the hospital was in Germany guarding some prisoners. That was really boring. Prisoners really just wanted to go home, they were fresh from Vietnam and really wanted to stay in the USA. Felt for them.

The next time was last Feb 2-3. I was laying on the bed when the night nurse came in at 2:30am. "This is really boring!" I said. "Watch tv!" Boring! Don't know how you do that.

I really hope you're feeling better by the day, it's happening here, but I just can't get my energy back...Oh yeah, eat something, that'll do the trick. Maybe, but it's that other thing. I know you know. How's your appetite? All that fresh food you're going to grow should work. In Montara, CA, I planted Snow or Sugar Peas. It's a sneaky way to get the kids to eat some veggies. I was weeding and eating the peas off the vine when the kids saw me and naturally wanted some. Eat all you want! They liked them so didn't get much to the table but who cares. Now I want to grow some. Guess I'll have a piece of cinnamon toast instead.

Take care and get better.
Mark