Depression and taking medicine for years

Posted by Jan @theotherone, Dec 7, 2017

I found this board several months ago but I joined just yesterday. I always felt I have nothing valuable to say. Anyway, now I feel the need to join. Events that have happened recently moved me to reach out either for support and to try to be helpful to other people.
I suffer from depression and taking medicine for years. I have experienced ups and downs, sometimes better sometimes worse times. You know it. In October I had to be hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. It was my third time to be there. The reason was that I tried to commit suicide. Weeks before that I felt totally desperate. My condition got worse and worse. I experienced big disappointments with some people who are close to me and I think that was the trigger for depression attack. I could barely sleep abut I always felt tired. I couldn't even cry, And I saw I getting on my wife's nerves. I just came to conclusion that it would be better if I stop all that. Luckily, in the hospital they saved my life (I was 2 days in coma). After ER, I was sent to psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for 5 weeks. I know I almost died then and now, even I still have problems with my mood and lack of energy, I want to reach for help and for support.
My depression is coming from my childhood. As a child, I was abused by my father and bullied in school. Maybe later I can tell more about it, I don't want to write it now. All those things marked me for life. I was 19, when I was able to leave home and I thought all bad is left behind, but it is not that easy. True, I know how to communicate now, I can find friends already but I still carry it with me wherever I go. The fears I have are reflected everywhere, when I talk to others, even when I doing as simple things as shopping. Many times memories come back to me, even as the nightmares, many times I have woke up with screaming.
There are many I would like to say, maybe by time I will be able.
Another reason I joined this forum is that I would like to be in some way helpful to others. We all have problems and I would like to be supportive to others because I know what does it mean to suffer. I hope i can contribute.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Dec 8, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

@theotherone

I, too, was and still am quite shy. I've always enjoyed shopping, but peripheral neuropathy pain in my feet has put the brakes on most of that. I'm with you on online shopping. What a help that has been to me, especially when it comes to shopping for my wife on birthday and Christmas. It would surely be nice if her birthday wasn't just before Christmas.

I still enjoy shopping in stores, just not as much. I'm happy for the electric shopping carts in big stores.

I hope you have a joyous Christmas.

Jim

peach414144 | @peach414144 | Dec 8, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

sometimes when i shop (publix) or wherever i hear a child crying over and over again i look and see an older child hurting a younger one and the mother does nothing to correct this. this goes on for over 15 minutes. i cry, it hurts. memories from my past come into being and i approach the mother who ignores my concerns. ptsd. unacceptable.

pendragonart | @pendragonart | Dec 8, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

I have the same reaction due to my ptsd. I cry and struggle with the scene and child's pain for hours after

Jan | @theotherone | Dec 9, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

@peach414144 @pendragonart I am very sorry to hear you feel that pain. I often feel the same, when I hear a child crying and I see parent do nothing or even shout and swear. My past comes to my mind and I ether feel sorry for the child, because I can imagine what is it going through and also memories start to overflow me. I never have courage to approach the parent, maybe it sounds silly, but somehow I fear they can hurt me also. Although I know I'm an grown up man.

Parus | @parus | Dec 9, 2017

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those "mares" that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" just ain't true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 9, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

@theotherone

I understand what you are saying - it's a powerless feeling, isn't it?

Teresa

peach414144 | @peach414144 | Dec 9, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

dear @theotherone: yes, the poor child not only is the mother creating another ptsd person, she is also creating another sadist. this is doublefold. the mother should be addressing her issues with a professional.. what created the mother? again, THE NEVER ENDING STORY! we all must keep trying to do whatever it is to help somehow and to never give up. with love barbara

Kanaaz Pereira, Connect Moderator | @kanaazpereira | Dec 9, 2017

Hi @theotherone,

I just wanted to jump in and say that you deserve to be applauded. I sincerely believe that by supporting others, by helping others, we also help ourselves. It's not easy, I know – as @parus said, "Many of us are survivors." But 'using' experiences and sharing stories, as a means to help others, can strengthen our own resilience. We're so glad you've joined the Connect community.

pendragonart | @pendragonart | Dec 9, 2017

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will..." + (show)

there is a genuine rational reason to not approach a parent! what we say may cause more abuse when we are gone or cause parent to become aggressive, even violent, with us. there are ways and times to say things not judgementally that may cause the parent to see things differently....reframing the situation and even appearing sympathetic as an opener... very delicate situation! must be handled with skill. I have spoken to the child or the parent a number of times usually (not always) with good or neutral results in the moment, but I am a certified communication counselor. don't be hard on yourself for not speaking....be compassionate to the powerless frightened child...both within you and in the situation. sometimes a gentle smile to the child when no one is looking can help or touching your heart and "sending" it to them...when parent doesn't see it. but be careful!