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~ Being Married to a Narcissist ~
Hi everyone ..... some of you may remember that I was married to a man with NPD for 40 years .... I divorced him 12 years ago after the kids were no longer at home. After getting passed that point where I felt "I hate you, I'd like to cut your mouth off," and all those things we think about when we're in the midst of a divorce, we do fine when in the company of our kids and their spouses. I moved this passed weekend and all my kids and the 2 that are married had their spouses with them all pitched in to help. While we were in the midst of the move, in walks my X husband. He came to help hook up all the electronic equipment. I was not really surprised because it made him look good and again placed him in the center of the family (or so he thought). Oh, he was soooooo very nice to everyone, including me. I don't know how much the kids perceive this, but it's as if you're watching a shadow of a person going through his "nice" behavior ..... all to make everyone thing how wonderful he is.
As my therapist once told me, narcissists don't change ..... it's never their problem, always someone elses.
And, may I add ...... never, ever, trust one ..... a wolf in sheeps clothing.
abby
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This certainly pushed buttons for me. I was also married to one and now my youngest son has married one-yup, blue pure perfect she is and nothing is ever her fault. I know I survived a mother and husband. No wonder I am in such a funk. I cannot do it a 3rd time. So sad for my son when I see the abuse happening to him again. I rarely go see my 2 year old grandson. I enjoy him so much. I cannot tolerate my DIL and her arrogance. I say nothing. My son's father died in 2014 and I would that it had been me as she believed the sun rose and set on that NPD.
Also had a therapist that was an NPD. Wolf in sheep's clothing is so accurate...she was a pastoral counselor as well.
Sorry, I feel the venom entering my veins. These kind of people destroy lives!!!
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3 Reactions@amberpep and @parus
Thanks for sharing your stories. As we share our stories, it helps us and also others.
Teresa
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4 Reactions@amberpep
You gave such a good description of the NPD, "but it’s as if you’re watching a shadow of a person going through his “nice” behavior ….. all to make everyone think how wonderful he is."
It sounds like you weathered the storm of your ex showing up on your moving weekend. Are you feeling OK, now?
Teresa
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1 Reactionthanks to those reading about us
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2 ReactionsYes, I was fine .... I just don't take any of his crap anymore ..... "good Suzie" who never would sass anyone, left town and her twin and sometimes evil sister has shown up ..... and boy does she have some comebacks. He just stares at me in disbelief. Love it!
About 2 years ago I moved from MD to VA to be closer to my girls - at their insistence and hounding - and of course, he has built this grand house - all for show again, down this way also. Meanwhile I live in a limited income apartment, but I'm happy. I do wonder if I ever should have moved down here though. It was a hard decision and even harder adjustment. But when I see the looks on my girls faces and my gandkids .... I know it was right. I just have to keep Mr. "aren't I wonderful" in his place.
abby
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2 ReactionsAbby @amberpep,
It sounds like you have found a way of dealing with your ex. Maybe you have even found your voice?
Teresa
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2 ReactionsThat's exactly what has happened Teresa. I never, ever, would disagree with him, I wore the clothes he liked, thought politically as he did, if he didn't like my hair, I changed it and on and on and on. And to even think of sassing him was totally out of the question .... that brought the well-worn phrase, "you're just irrational and illogical." Hmmmmmm ..... I don't think so. I was really prime for marriage to an N because as an only child growing up in a totally alcoholic home, you learn to keep your mouth shut, don't sass, don't disagree, just be there ..... sort of like a stone garden ornament.
I believe I mentioned this before, but one of the first times I saw my therapist 12 years ago, he said, "I see a good Suzie in you ..... we're going to dismantle her." WHAT???? OMG ..... I thought he was nuts! But, knowing how good he was I stuck it out and I'm forever grateful I did.
abby
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1 ReactionAbby @amberpep
It sounds like we have a lot in common. At one time I was a doormat as well - not a good place to be!
Teresa
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2 ReactionsThe man I was married to for 14 years died suddenly in 2014 thus becoming a hero by leaving my 3 children with money-interesting how after I divorced him how he did get a real job. Also interesting how nothing was ever his fault. My mother died in 2012 and left one sister w/ everything. These type of people have a way of recognizing someone they can con...Still working on shutting both of them up even though they have died their words live on.
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3 Reactions@parus, I am sorry that your ex, mother and sister left you feeling empty. That certainly is painful.
NPs have an outside locus of control, nothing can be their fault - they just couldn't take it. Picture a circle with all positive signs inside the circle, this is the thinking of the NP - they believe that only good exists within them, therefore if there is a negative in their life - it must be someone else's fault.
However, their words of criticism, or negativity seem to stay with us, sometimes even after their death. From my own experience, I've found the best thing to do is to actively refute them with words of truth. For example, when a negative thought comes to mind from the past, write down a truthful thought that refutes it. It can work, but it takes time.
Teresa
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