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Husband diagnosed last April. He recently is beginning to understand
What it means. Up until now he seemed to be unfazed by being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. (Both his parents had dementia so he does understand what happened with them.) Recently he has been very saddened by it. He is crying about leaving me (when the inevitable happens). I cry too as I don’t want to lose him. I try to reassure him that we don’t know how everything will play out, he could live for years (he has asked how long he has, I tried to tell him no one really knows as we are all different). How can I help him face this? How do I face this?
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@blisst
Hello:
Have you called the Alzheimer Association's 24/7 hotline? I believe they may have a support group suggestion, not just for you the caregiver, but also a group specifically for those with Alzheimers, so he can get support from folks going through exactly what he's experiencing.
All the best to you. 🌺
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9 ReactionsWith my husband's dementia, (we are in our 4th year now) I believe that a warm hug, saying "I love you", "you are the best thing that ever happened to me", a smile, a little back rub go a long way to support him. I remind him of all the wonderful things we have done together over our 45 year marriage. I take out one of the scrap books that I have put together over the years to remind him of what a great life we had together. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes not. I tell him frequently that whatever problems he faces, he is not alone. No one knows how the dementia journey will unfold. True of life in general. I reassure him that we will face whatever the future brings together, that we have been and will continue to be partners for the rest of our lives.
I know that as dementia progresses the ability to communicate effectively verbally gradually diminishes but I think that the emotional need for reassuring physical touch never diminishes and is sometimes the only way left to communicate with a person with dementia. The ability to read your body language and tone of voice lingers long after verbal communication is lost. I think it is important to validate his feelings, and ask what you could do that might help him feel better. I have received so much support on this website. I encourage you to keep posting what you are going through. There are so many caring people on this site that generously share their experience of how they have learned to cope with this awful disease. Also educate yourself about dementia, how the various types often present, how to have a positive approach to caregiving. I heartily recommend Teepa Snow's Positive Approach to Caregiving website where you can see what classes are available live online. I took the Champion series and learned so much. "Knowledge is Power" God bless you and your husband.
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15 Reactions@ocdogmom thank you for your thoughtful and helpful response. I find it very reassuring. 💙
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3 Reactions@judimahoney thank you! I did not realize there was a 24/7 hotline. I’m in Canada, I’ll have to check if we have something g like this here. 🤞
I do belong to a support group through the society but I have only been to one session (so far). My husband does not attend (not really out of his usual behaviour, he’s always been a bit of a “loner”). That said, he is changing and might become more willing to participate in a group. I’ll have to keep trying to suggest he do that.
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2 Reactions@blisst
Apparently in Canada you text or call 9-8-8
If you're indigenous:
855-242-3310
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3 Reactions@judimahoney fantastic! Thank you so much Judi. 💙
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2 Reactions@blisst
Thank goodness for the magic of the internet.
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2 Reactions@ocdogmom
Lucky you for being in love. That would be so much easier but after 53 years and many relationship struggles this new challenge is almost the "straw" for me but for the mercy and grace of God, I am able to transform the word prison into teaching and learning a new thing.
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3 Reactions@oneputt: We ,too, had our relationship struggles. This is a second marriage for both of us. When we first decided to try to be together as a couple, my husband said something that at first I didn't like hearing. He said that there is no such thing as a perfect wife/husband and that he was happy with Ms. Good Enough. I was offended at first but began to see the wisdom in that statement. I decided that I could be happy with Mr. Good Enough. We decided to accept each other just as we were, warts and all. We were both terrified of a failed second marriage but determined to make it work and 45 years later here we are still not perfect but good enough.
I agree that with the mercy and grace of God we can accomplish what at first seems a huge challenge. The challenge for me was to take what seemed like disaster for our lives together going forward and find moments of gratitude, peace and even joy. Like you said, what at first seems like a prison sentence can offer opportunities that you may not have otherwise considered. I believe that God loves all his children and if we but ask we will be given what we need. I am sending you angels and will pray for you and your husband as you struggle with this new challenge. Please keep posting to vent, share what has worked for you and may help others and also to get the support of the many people who are in the same boat.
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7 Reactions@ocdogmom What a wonderful post reminding me of the "Notebook" that beautiful story where Ally keeps coming back to her husband every time, he reads the story she wrote. I agree, our partners feel, even when they can't always respond, or know what to say. Our touch does matter showing we're just there for them. I see a difference in my husband in the way he lovingly hovers, at least in the stage he's in. A few nights ago, when the rain came down, and I went to move the car, from the distance, I saw his shadow at the door looking, trying to find me. Then out he came with an umbrella to walk over and get me. A simple gesture but one of togetherness in our daily care for each other. He tells me he's my care partner. Your comment, "I tell him whatever he problem he faces, he is not alone" is the kindest gift a loved one can give to one another. The solace in knowing that we are not alone and letting our partners know we are partners for life, through whatever, is incredibly powerful. I too have learned a lot from you and others on this site. Thank you. Best, Karla
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