Sister still drinking despite consequences, any advice?

Posted by craigcraig @craigcraig, Jun 28 5:58am

Hi. I had a liver transplant and am not a drinker. Never really was much of one except for college. My sister is 61 and recently divorced with two adult kids. Her drinking was the biggest factor in her divorce. She finally hit bottom in her family's eyes with a DUI and was too drunk to show up for her court date. Only a very good lawyer has kept her out of jail. She has also got drunk and fallen 3 times and has had 2 brain surgeries. Somehow minor enough to be shortly released. She somehow still lives to drink (in our eyes and behind everyone's back). Has had terrible fights and has cut off most of her sons, friends brothers, mom, etc. . Admits now she has a problem but still lies whenever her mouth opens and refuses inpatient or outpatient treatment. And continues to believe she can drink and "just cut down" despite 3 serious falls, two accidents , two brain surgeries, excetera in the last 6 months. My wife, brother , nephews, friends and I have strongly counseled her to get help before she kills herself or someone else. But she defies logic and insists she can live without treatment/help and has either broken off relations with or barely puts up with her circle of people. I know it has to be her decision and I (we) can't do it for her but any suggestions from you guys who have more experience in this topic than I do. Than you.

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diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | 3 days ago

In reply to @sisyphus "Reading all the comments (Just to be sure someone had already said it) since you are..." + (show)

@sisyphus

Reading all the comments (Just to be sure someone had already said it) since you are no longer even able to talk to her -- but those who she still at least 'listens to, such as your brother -- could one of those contact an addiction counselor and and ask how to go about it; after all it's not the first time someone has behaved this way.

Addiction to, or over-consumption of pretty much any thing or behavior stems from a void in one's life where you feel constantly that something is not right with my life. So it could lead to over-shopping, -gambling, -smoking, -dosing on opioids (yes there's a book by a an author in Columbia Univ (maybe no longer there) who had the title, Drug Use for Adults. (yes caffeine and nicotine are what one can get addicted to) I mention it so that we understand it's the OVER-doing of these that wrecks our lives.

Millions use alcohol but very small number gets addicted. And same is true of others in the list above. The reason we get into the 'OVER'-consumption is I believe to fulfill a genuine need that is unfulfilled such as close friends, or feeling LESS than people around, or some deep shame, or anger, or fear....

So what I was hoping for you that either you or someone equally well aware of the dire situation you are in could consult with an addiction psychologist. Maybe you get recommended a book, movie, u-tube, that can shine on the underlying issue she is trying to grapple with with her over-use of alcohol.

We all want the best life we can have, but it can't be e.g. having most power, money, beauty, charm.... What is a GOOD life is an ancient question. What seems close to a consensus is having our basic needs (food, shelter, security) met but also our need to know and explore. We call it nurturing our curiosity. Another is our need to do what we believe will truly satisfy our authentic self, And need for PLAY, and wonder. As children we all exhibit these.So some excel in science, others arts, or politics....

I am hoping that one-of-you will be able to show her that a lot more enriching life awaits her. So it will take some effort to go from psychologist to a well-wisher who will be patient with her and listen to what is DEEP inside troubling her that has morphed into this facade of alcohol addiction.

Your pain is palpable, as is your determination; it'd be good to know your next steps.

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@sisyphus I agree with your post! It is as if there is a part of an addicts soul that is void of something. There is a hole that I tried to fill with alcohol, drugs, and on and on. I am sure you have read Bill Wilson's "Emotional Sobriety." I think it is applicable here. I am posting it. I have posted it before, but it resonates...

Shared files

EMOTIONAL-SOBRIETY (EMOTIONAL-SOBRIETY.pdf)

diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | 3 days ago

In reply to @diverdown1 "@sisyphus I agree with your post! It is as if there is a part of an..." + (show)

@diverdown1 Just an add...God is whatever Higher Power one believes in...Anything that is a power greater than me and I believe the energy of the Universe is a greater power than me. Some are turned off to the spiritual principles and language of Bill W. I know that I was. I had to find my own concept of a power greater than myself. I just felt like I needed to add that due to my own experience of my history with organized religion. It took me a bit to realize the difference in religion and spirituality.

heyjoe415 | @heyjoe415 | 2 days ago

In reply to @diverdown1 "@diverdown1 Just an add...God is whatever Higher Power one believes in...Anything that is a power greater..." + (show)

Well said DD. Thank you.

I don't believe there is any objective evidence supporting the existence of a supreme being. Even so, miraculous things happen to us.

I still have no idea why one day I had to have alcohol to live, and the next day I rejected it and sought help. Yes it was my decision, but something else was going on.

With sponsees who aren't religious or just don't like the Big Book's heavy-handed approach, we work steps 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 12. Sometimes we throw step 11 in but with a different focus than communication with god. It's more like seeking out silence and solitude as often as possible, ideally each day for even a few minutes.

That has worked well for the guys I sponsor, and it has worked just as well for me. I love these guys and we meet weekly to - just talk. It is remarkably calming.

Joe

diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | 2 days ago

In reply to @heyjoe415 "Well said DD. Thank you. I don't believe there is any objective evidence supporting the existence..." + (show)

@heyjoe415 In the beginning I used the group itself. I think it is wonderful that there is a way to work the specific steps and that is proving helpful. For some, the HP concept is a total "nope," and it is a great suggestion, so thank you. I realized that most of my life alcohol/drugs were my high power. It is great to open my mind to alternative ways of helping. At the moment, I have no sponsees, but I am doing an internship in a treatment center for my M.S. degree. Some of those folks go to A.A., some go to Celebrate Recovery, etc., I have had to open my mind to other ways of recovery. It has been good and I believe important for myself and those I might help (hopefully) 🙂

heyjoe415 | @heyjoe415 | 1 day ago

In reply to @diverdown1 "@heyjoe415 In the beginning I used the group itself. I think it is wonderful that there..." + (show)

Thanks DD. AA is very effective for those who can follow its program. I have taken the parts that work for me, and left the rest. The notion of a HP is foreign to me.

But there are also no coincidences. I don't have the answer, but I do know what has kept me sober. Sounds like you are doing the same.

Joe

trooperdogg1960 | @trooperdogg1960 | 23 hours ago

In reply to @diverdown1 "@diverdown1 Just an add...God is whatever Higher Power one believes in...Anything that is a power greater..." + (show)

Religion = external locus of control.
Spirituality = internal locus of control.
Dependence on any program to maintain sobriety is external locus of control. The goal of Agency Strengthening is to relieve dependence of any external or outside influence. Its ok to enjoy them. Just stop telling yourself and others, yourself especially, that you NEED them. I cant stress enough that what you tell yourself the most about you. You will come to believe. I hear many people share that its "you people here keep me sober... this place... this big book...these steps...etc".... How about .." My choices keep me sober" What if we share that at our next meeting. Recovery isnt a life sentence. And if your telling yourself it is a life sentence for you. Then you're telling yourself the wrong things.

diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | 22 hours ago

In reply to @trooperdogg1960 "Religion = external locus of control. Spirituality = internal locus of control. Dependence on any program..." + (show)

@trooperdogg1960 Recovery, to me, is a new and different way to live. I would not say I am dependent on AA, but in the beginning I certainly was. At this point in my life, I do need others to trust and be able to ask, "Is my perception of this situation off?" I also agree, that it is my choice whether I pick back up a drink or drug. No one else's. I believe I will never be able to drink or use mood altering substances again, in this life, anyway. I have proven that over and over from a very young age. I appreciate your reply and I have read many of them on this site.

trooperdogg1960 | @trooperdogg1960 | 17 hours ago

In reply to @diverdown1 "@trooperdogg1960 Recovery, to me, is a new and different way to live. I would not say..." + (show)

@diverdown1 Ive done a bit of underwater diving in my day so your nic caught my eye. Ive enjoyed many of your comments. "You wont say your dependent on AA" is beautiful!! You then made a statement saying "I believe I will never be able to drink or use again". While it exhibits confidence in intention, it reaffirms doubt with the word believe. Affirmations of doubt in our ability to remain sober can be avoided with sentence restructure. What if we simply say " I'll never drink or use"? A simple sentence that leaves no doubt or dogma. It doesnt drag along the baggage of our past.
It doesn't present a challenge for the future.
Don't punch the target.
Punch through the target.

diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | 16 hours ago

I am going to say, I will not drink or use today, of that I have no doubt. 🙂

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