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Dying Well
Dying well is (hopefully) the last part of our efforts to age well.
As part of our life planning, we need to think about what dying well means for each of us.
And it is not easy to distinguish clearly between reasonably hopeful planning for our dying days and what is just “hoping for the best” while avoiding real preparation.
We need to recognize that at some point dying becomes something we cannot bargain with. It will eventually happen on its own terms.
It is reasonable to think about what we hope for, but then we need to ask “What can I do to increase my chances of dying as I hope?” and “What should I do to prepare for the possibility that things may not go as I hope?”
For those of us who are planning and making life/home adjustments to age in place, do we also hope to die in place? Do we also have plans if it turns out that dying in place is not possible? What are these plans?
I’ll share some personal things later, but will stop here for open ended responses.
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@fhardaway1 "No Concrete Vaults" I think some areas in the states require the concrete, you may already know this.
Otherwise I agree with all and do hope to avoid the concrete vaults.
Barbara
Be aware that funeral directors may say things are "required by law," when in fact it is not true. They may have been taught this in mortuary school and don't realize it's not legally required because it's what they've always done.
Books by Caitlin Doughty are a source of good information about death, care of the body and burial.
She is a mortician who has dedicated her life to promoting natural burial.
Simple burial options are becoming more common around the US.
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6 Reactions@shmerdloff To me, propriety signifies being socially or morally acceptable. I think if we want something to be said as "coming from our mouths", we should be able to say what we want. Of course, this is coming from a red-headed rabble rouser ;))
Ginger
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3 ReactionsWell, we’re having quite a lesson in our co-housing community.
I mentioned that C. was diagnosed with advanced, spreading lung cancer late in May. Almost the same week M. was similarly diagnosed. Both are women, late 60s, never smoked.
The first step for each was genetic studies of their particular cancers.
M. won the luck of the genetic draw. Her cancer is specifically targeted by new medicines, and she is improving noticeably after starting treatments.
C.’s cancer has no targeted treatment. Her condition is deteriorating rapidly. It’s quite a shock to all in our community.
Not long ago C. was “planning to make end-of-life plans.” Now it doesn’t look like she has the strength to visit the natural cemetery she hoped to visit. She has good, close family who will take care of things as she wants.
I’ve had friends die of cancer, but never saw such rapid progression of the disease.
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10 Reactions@edsutton
Dealing with life's wacky changes:
Fifteen years ago we made our medical power of attorney documents.
My wife has first MPOA for me, and my second is a friend and professional associate with whom we were close at that time. Because of our age and possible cognitive issues, the second MPOAs are important.
Since then some things have changed. My friend and his wife have become followers of an internet based cult/religion. In a recent conversation I realized that he now considers my end-of-life orders contrary to the messages from heaven he follows. He urges me to learn all about this.
I'm glad we had the discussion!
It's time to find a new person for second POA.
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9 Reactions@edsutton Cremation is an option that allows the spreading of ashes, to burial of the ashes in a container, such as a "SAD" box which is a wooden box that will disintegrate over time. Some people have kept the ashes in urns in the house. My wife's ashes were placed in a SAD box on a hill overlooking our house. Her mother's ashes were spread by her three children around the grounds of a cabin they had in AZ. The Cremation process costs around $5,000 and is by far, the least expensive way to handle a body with dignity.
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3 Reactions@ess77 What an intelligent, empathetic and positive attitude towards the end of life. I second everything you say. I have ALS and my time is limited. I have been reading an excellent book by Atul Gawande called "Being Mortal - Illness, Medicine and What Matters In The End". Gawande is a highly respected American doctor, writer for the New Yorker, and Professor of Medicine at Harvard University. To quote from the blurb about the book " Atul Gawade..explores the modern experience of mortality - what it's like to get old and die, how medicine has changed this and how it hasn't, where our ideas about death have gone wrong". It is a very sensible book which everyone approaching old age should read.
In my own case, I intend to have neither a burial nor a cremation. I am donating my body to science. I like the idea of a young medical student learning from me, even after I am gone. There will be no formal funeral, but some time after my death I have asked my children to hold a Wake, and invite all my family and friends to get together and share memories and stories. This is not for everyone, but above else we should get our paperwork done well in advance, make sure people know of our wishes, and not leave a mess for our children to clean up. Gradually winding up our affairs as we age is one gift we can give to our children and to those following after. Best wishes and greetings to all who are following the same path as me.
From @ellu
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15 Reactions@ellu For those who are single, winding down our affairs is a gift and shows that we care for anyone who will have to clean up what we leave behind.
Now to get it done!
This thread is a good reminder.
Barbara
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4 Reactions@blm1007blm1007
It's kind of like being a good house guest.
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