1. < Aging Well
Profile picture for edsutton

Dying Well

Posted by edsutton @edsutton, May 4 12:07pm

Dying well is (hopefully) the last part of our efforts to age well.

As part of our life planning, we need to think about what dying well means for each of us.

And it is not easy to distinguish clearly between reasonably hopeful planning for our dying days and what is just “hoping for the best” while avoiding real preparation.

We need to recognize that at some point dying becomes something we cannot bargain with. It will eventually happen on its own terms.

It is reasonable to think about what we hope for, but then we need to ask “What can I do to increase my chances of dying as I hope?” and “What should I do to prepare for the possibility that things may not go as I hope?”

For those of us who are planning and making life/home adjustments to age in place, do we also hope to die in place? Do we also have plans if it turns out that dying in place is not possible? What are these plans?

I’ll share some personal things later, but will stop here for open ended responses.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

Profile picture for meh3
meh3 | @meh3 | 9 hours ago

I am 75; 2 of my 6 brothers are alive ( only 1 stays in contact); 1 younger sister is alive and evil and has no contact. I have 1 son and we are in daily contact. I have downsized to a travel trailer RV, live in an RV Park and love it. In downsizing I asked my son to participate and take whatever he wanted, gave him original will, POA, and Medical Directive. Because we are both minimalistic, it's fairly easy to maintain although I still have several things that I don't know what to do with. I feel stuck, yet deep down I know that if I haven't used something in 2 years, I should probably get rid of it. Life is a journey and God has given me this time for a reason so I need to use it wisely.

REPLY
Profile picture for nycmusic
nycmusic | @nycmusic | 8 hours ago
In reply to @edsutton "There's a discussion in Aging Well, a little while back: "Letting go of possessions before planning..." + (show)
Profile picture for edsutton @edsutton

There's a discussion in Aging Well, a little while back:
"Letting go of possessions before planning to downsize," based on the Death Cleaning book.

Jump to this post

@edsutton if you are having trouble doing this, you can hire a person to help, or even contact an estate sale company. Ideally, I will get most of it done over time…not too long !…first, want to be sure that I give valuables/very personal items to people before I go into the great beyond.

REPLY
Profile picture for edsutton
edsutton | @edsutton | 8 hours ago

Over recent weeks I’ve grown closer to death, or death has grown closer to me, in particular via the deaths of two friends and the discovery of advanced lung cancer in a friend who had seemed very healthy two months ago.

Currently I’m very healthy, but realize that some day that will change, slowly or quickly.

My wife has survived two serious illnesses and has many nagging, uncomfortable problems in her aging body that demand attention every day, currently manageable.

For now we will continue to live in our little house, not certain of the long-term future.
For me this is a time of maximum freedom, if I can use it.

This has led me to a process of “death cleaning” in my mind!

I’ve lived an atypical life.
For reasons to be discussed by my psychoanalyst and me, I have lots of emotional leftovers from my past.
I spent much of my life “swimming upstream,” and this required strong will and intention, often in the face of difficulties that might have been avoided had I accepted the easy way.

Memories of my actions, my reasons, my efforts to understand situations, people and myself, can be a burden much like a house filled with too many precious objects. The person I was then does not exist any more.

It is as if too many ideas from my past self are sapping the freedom of my present life, whether it be one day or ten years.

So these days (in a process that I probably can’t control) I am going through my memories and selectively hitting the delete button, making room for today’s life. I don’t need so much of my past. Whew!

Getting ready to die can be a wonderful experience!

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for fbuckwalter
fbuckwalter | @fbuckwalter | 5 hours ago
In reply to @ess77 "I so agree we must think of our families as wc deal with our own journey...." + (show)
Profile picture for ess77 - Elizabeth @ess77

I so agree we must think of our families as wc deal with our own journey. Please, please don't leave a mess for your children or whomever will be dealing with your affairs. It almost broke me, did cause enormous stress and emotional upheaval for me to deal with my mother's home after she moved into an assisted living facility. No siblings helped. Just me going through stacks, drawers and files of papers from decades... clearing her closets and the thousands of decisions with every piece I touched. I lost a month of my life in deep distress, my business suffered, I never fully recovered. And, it deeply harmed my relationships with my family.family.Permanently. Don't rain down that pain on folks you love!

I promised myself I would clear every drawer and every closet before my death, if I have warning... my son is my only child, no husband now and he's 100% disabled.
I had an estate sale last year. Sold many precious things after checking what he wanted. I gave him some things then to enjoy while I'm alive! Felt wonderful! It was hard on him to see things go and to face realities of my mortality. But, that's a good thing.

Then, renovated my condo to accommodate my current aging needs... made my upstairs into my living area with the small bedroom a little kitchen and my master bath now a walkin showe with grab bars and a seat! Set up a recliner, files and such in a bedroom closet so I live upstairs! Love it!

Greatest gift ofvlove we can give our families! Feels wonderful! And all the legal stuff is done!

Blessings as you walk this path of life... Elizabeth

Jump to this post

@ess77
I needed to read this, it reminds me to get my butt in gear. My mother and father (both remarried) had their affairs taken care of. My mother's passing was trying and I the medical community could have handled it better. Some things are out of our control but having all that is with in our control handled helps immensely.

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for meh3
meh3 | @meh3 | 4 hours ago
In reply to @edsutton "Over recent weeks I’ve grown closer to death, or death has grown closer to me, in..." + (show)
Profile picture for edsutton @edsutton

Over recent weeks I’ve grown closer to death, or death has grown closer to me, in particular via the deaths of two friends and the discovery of advanced lung cancer in a friend who had seemed very healthy two months ago.

Currently I’m very healthy, but realize that some day that will change, slowly or quickly.

My wife has survived two serious illnesses and has many nagging, uncomfortable problems in her aging body that demand attention every day, currently manageable.

For now we will continue to live in our little house, not certain of the long-term future.
For me this is a time of maximum freedom, if I can use it.

This has led me to a process of “death cleaning” in my mind!

I’ve lived an atypical life.
For reasons to be discussed by my psychoanalyst and me, I have lots of emotional leftovers from my past.
I spent much of my life “swimming upstream,” and this required strong will and intention, often in the face of difficulties that might have been avoided had I accepted the easy way.

Memories of my actions, my reasons, my efforts to understand situations, people and myself, can be a burden much like a house filled with too many precious objects. The person I was then does not exist any more.

It is as if too many ideas from my past self are sapping the freedom of my present life, whether it be one day or ten years.

So these days (in a process that I probably can’t control) I am going through my memories and selectively hitting the delete button, making room for today’s life. I don’t need so much of my past. Whew!

Getting ready to die can be a wonderful experience!

Jump to this post

@edsutton
Amen!! A friend of 30+ years died of a stroke last week, so many that I have known over the years have gone and I reminisce. My 83 years old brother and I talk about preparing for death (I'm 75) at our monthly lunch. We were alienated for almost 50 years and he has recently decided to come back into my life. We pray together and talk about "the old days".
You are right - preparing for death can be fun! Enjoy life!

REPLY
Profile picture for ess77 - Elizabeth
ess77 - Elizabeth | @ess77 | 3 hours ago
In reply to @fbuckwalter "@ess77 I needed to read this, it reminds me to get my butt in gear. My..." + (show)
Profile picture for fbuckwalter @fbuckwalter

@ess77
I needed to read this, it reminds me to get my butt in gear. My mother and father (both remarried) had their affairs taken care of. My mother's passing was trying and I the medical community could have handled it better. Some things are out of our control but having all that is with in our control handled helps immensely.

Jump to this post

@fbuckwalter and all... I am so pleased my message and my story helped you a bit. Yes... get that butt in gear! It only too me about 20 years to get it all done... Just since last October 2025 after a rough year of ER visits, hospital admissions, 2 month-long rehab incarcerations, and home health care forever did I finally get it done. Finally! It took a bunch and I still have several boxes of papers and junk to go through and toss of my parents, son and myself... Doing that now!

We owe this to ourselves and to our survivors.
Blessings. Elizabeth

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.