The more I read about childhood PTSD the more I realize there is really no help out there. Caught up those jackal jaws once more. All I know is I am currently ironed flat. Always the quiet child. Just need to let the jumbled feelings run their course. It is a battle and is what it is...I have these dark times and it is okay. Sometimes easier to give them some space.
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
Thank you for sharing. Your story sounds just like mine! I too made the choice to not let my sister define me. I have times of self pity but I pull myself out of it. We are survivors! We must move on and never look back!
The more I read about childhood PTSD the more I realize there is really no help out there. Caught up those jackal jaws once more. All I know is I am currently ironed flat. Always the quiet child. Just need to let the jumbled feelings run their course. It is a battle and is what it is...I have these dark times and it is okay. Sometimes easier to give them some space.
@parus Sending you gentle hugs. Step to the side, let those jumbled feelings run their course right past you. Close that door behind them for as long as you can, tell them you're finished with them, have no more need for them, so they can just go away. In a perfect world, that would work right from the beginning. In reality, it will take repeating, and hopefully feel less of an impact soon.
Ginger
The more I read about childhood PTSD the more I realize there is really no help out there. Caught up those jackal jaws once more. All I know is I am currently ironed flat. Always the quiet child. Just need to let the jumbled feelings run their course. It is a battle and is what it is...I have these dark times and it is okay. Sometimes easier to give them some space.
@parus- PTSD is an awful disease. It's crippling and confusing. I'm not sure though what you mean by "I realize there is really no help out there" for childhood PTSD.
I'm joining ginger to make a group hug, then taking you out for a walk.
Thank you for sharing. Your story sounds just like mine! I too made the choice to not let my sister define me. I have times of self pity but I pull myself out of it. We are survivors! We must move on and never look back!
Good morning @amandarosendahl and welcome to Mayo Connect. I am so sorry that you had a difficult relationship with your sister. When did you make the decision not to let your sister define you? In saying that your don't want your sister to define do you mean you don't want to be like her? My twin sister was an addict at 15 years of age. She was very ill equipped to handle this type of life or any situation that didn't offer her the type of acceptance and love that she ached for. We were very loved but our mother didn't know how to raise twins (does anyone?) and set up a very competitive environment for us. We were fraternal but a lot of people confused us. I was afraid that in certain situations I'd look like her or act like her.I in no way wanted to be anything like her.
We all have moments of "Oh woe is me" and that's fine. I mean people can be every mean and hand us a pile of crap. But we can survive and look at us now!! PTSD is a symptom of that, accumulated over a period of years. PTSD doesn't just mean that only one things causes it.
Can you tell me more about your situation? Have you been in more control over your PTSD in recent years?
Hello I am getting ready to call it a night. Just been catching up on my groups. I went to my Doctor today. gonna stay on my Cymbalta at the lower dose. Not ready to experience my mind going crazy again. But I am going to start back on my Buspar for anxiety first. There is a shortage of Buspar right now. Thanks for everything you do for others I hope you are doing ok Have a great morning!
@parus- PTSD is an awful disease. It's crippling and confusing. I'm not sure though what you mean by "I realize there is really no help out there" for childhood PTSD.
I'm joining ginger to make a group hug, then taking you out for a walk.
@parus- Anytime lol- Oh, did I say that? PTSD is a disease but that doesn't mean that you are. You have arthritis, which is a disease, do you define yourself as arthritis? Are you feeling better today?
@parus- Anytime lol- Oh, did I say that? PTSD is a disease but that doesn't mean that you are. You have arthritis, which is a disease, do you define yourself as arthritis? Are you feeling better today?
@merpreb Thank you for the update. I thought the D meant disorder. It just keeps getting worse. I know of no one that EMDR has helped. I tried it in 2010 and the trained therapist fell asleep. Just in one those whirlwinds. Stuffing it doesn’t help. Talk therapy has made it worse. Then I am told I don’t want to get better. Maybe I don’t on some level. I even
had a VNS and I still have flashbacks of that awful experience. Striving to overcome through denial. By now most would be boo-hooing in some shrink’s office. Most of the time I do okay enough. I don’t have a support system. Truth is I don’t play well with others as I can no longer be supportive of the needy.
Beyond grouchy and I know it. Not sure what triggered this and not important. Weary of looking for reasons. So angry I could spit but that would not be ladylike and the venom may contaminate the world. Still some humor left in good old parus.
@merpreb Thank you for the update. I thought the D meant disorder. It just keeps getting worse. I know of no one that EMDR has helped. I tried it in 2010 and the trained therapist fell asleep. Just in one those whirlwinds. Stuffing it doesn’t help. Talk therapy has made it worse. Then I am told I don’t want to get better. Maybe I don’t on some level. I even
had a VNS and I still have flashbacks of that awful experience. Striving to overcome through denial. By now most would be boo-hooing in some shrink’s office. Most of the time I do okay enough. I don’t have a support system. Truth is I don’t play well with others as I can no longer be supportive of the needy.
Beyond grouchy and I know it. Not sure what triggered this and not important. Weary of looking for reasons. So angry I could spit but that would not be ladylike and the venom may contaminate the world. Still some humor left in good old parus.
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The more I read about childhood PTSD the more I realize there is really no help out there. Caught up those jackal jaws once more. All I know is I am currently ironed flat. Always the quiet child. Just need to let the jumbled feelings run their course. It is a battle and is what it is...I have these dark times and it is okay. Sometimes easier to give them some space.
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3 ReactionsThank you for sharing. Your story sounds just like mine! I too made the choice to not let my sister define me. I have times of self pity but I pull myself out of it. We are survivors! We must move on and never look back!
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1 Reaction@parus Sending you gentle hugs. Step to the side, let those jumbled feelings run their course right past you. Close that door behind them for as long as you can, tell them you're finished with them, have no more need for them, so they can just go away. In a perfect world, that would work right from the beginning. In reality, it will take repeating, and hopefully feel less of an impact soon.
Ginger
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1 Reaction@parus- PTSD is an awful disease. It's crippling and confusing. I'm not sure though what you mean by "I realize there is really no help out there" for childhood PTSD.
I'm joining ginger to make a group hug, then taking you out for a walk.
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4 ReactionsGood morning @amandarosendahl and welcome to Mayo Connect. I am so sorry that you had a difficult relationship with your sister. When did you make the decision not to let your sister define you? In saying that your don't want your sister to define do you mean you don't want to be like her? My twin sister was an addict at 15 years of age. She was very ill equipped to handle this type of life or any situation that didn't offer her the type of acceptance and love that she ached for. We were very loved but our mother didn't know how to raise twins (does anyone?) and set up a very competitive environment for us. We were fraternal but a lot of people confused us. I was afraid that in certain situations I'd look like her or act like her.I in no way wanted to be anything like her.
We all have moments of "Oh woe is me" and that's fine. I mean people can be every mean and hand us a pile of crap. But we can survive and look at us now!! PTSD is a symptom of that, accumulated over a period of years. PTSD doesn't just mean that only one things causes it.
Can you tell me more about your situation? Have you been in more control over your PTSD in recent years?
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Hug
2 ReactionsGood morning Cat- How are you doing?
@merpreb Thank you for letting me know I am a disease.
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1 Reaction@parus- Anytime lol- Oh, did I say that? PTSD is a disease but that doesn't mean that you are. You have arthritis, which is a disease, do you define yourself as arthritis? Are you feeling better today?
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1 Reaction@merpreb Thank you for the update. I thought the D meant disorder. It just keeps getting worse. I know of no one that EMDR has helped. I tried it in 2010 and the trained therapist fell asleep. Just in one those whirlwinds. Stuffing it doesn’t help. Talk therapy has made it worse. Then I am told I don’t want to get better. Maybe I don’t on some level. I even
had a VNS and I still have flashbacks of that awful experience. Striving to overcome through denial. By now most would be boo-hooing in some shrink’s office. Most of the time I do okay enough. I don’t have a support system. Truth is I don’t play well with others as I can no longer be supportive of the needy.
Beyond grouchy and I know it. Not sure what triggered this and not important. Weary of looking for reasons. So angry I could spit but that would not be ladylike and the venom may contaminate the world. Still some humor left in good old parus.
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4 ReactionsI so admire your persistence, @parus, as well as your ability to articulate your feelings.
Know that you are admired and appreciated👍
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