@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
would only like to say that my depression is treatment resistant as far as meds...I have tried many and things only became worse and if there were a medication that could help w/ the depression I would take it...Several therapists that had no experience w/ PTSD. Brain chemistry is not something I am ashamed of and all the comparing my mental status to illnesses and that I am refusing to do anything has been hurtful even if this was not your intent...Sound like those perverted therapists that had not a clue what they were doing and I ended up knowing more about their lives than they did mine. If you are somehow under the impression I am not putting one foot in front of the other you are way of the mark.
Thankful you you have been able to get help and also very sad and hurt w/ your superior attitude. Being spoken down to is not something I find helpful or encouraging.
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
Hi @parus,
I'm sorry if you found @blindeyepug's message to be anything less than supportive and encouraging. Blindeyepug is a longstanding member of Connect who regularly welcomes and supports new members, especially in the Mental Health group. She likely did not see from your previous posts in other discussion threads that your depression is treatment-resistant. Thank you for adding that explanation.
I assure you that, along with other mentors and members, Blindeyepug's message is one of understanding and support, and not intended to have a superior attitude. That is the limitation of an online community. We cannot use body language and tone of voice to convey our empathy. Therefore, when we read messages, we must use caution in our interpretation of the words. I hope you can accept our words as an embrace of understanding and support. That is what Connect is built on. Respect. Support. Inclusivity.
For anyone living w/ PTSD symptoms vary. I had some terrible experiences w/ therapists and this did nothing but increase my symptoms. I was misdiagnosed and loaded up w/ anti psychotics which were so wrong-One therapist ended up w/ a 99 year suspension on her license and is still harassing and stalking me which is so difficult. I moved once and she found me...I did not file the charges against this therapist.
Living in fear is not the way to live out the rest of my life...I live in fear for my family too. I don't know where 2 of my adult children live because of this mess w/ someone that was supposed to be helping...I find it hard to trust.
I have grand children too. I live in fear for them. This sicko caused much harm to others as well. One less predator in the mental health system.
Maybe I can get some help from others. I grew up being abused and did not know as I partitioned by brain into other parts and did not need to deal...now I am trying to have some kind of life and fear has driven me back from others.
I can understand that some have been helped by the mental health system...I don't think there is help there or anywhere.
I know of other therapists who have abused their position. A friend of mine was seduced by his male therapist. One of my therapists told me I should leave my wife. I didn't go back to that one. Most of the ones I've seen have been good. But my experience is only mine, and I don't expect it to be the same as anyone else's.
Broken trust wreaks havoc on lives. It takes time, effort, support and forgiveness, and a lot of them, to rebuild trust. I guess you can tell I've been through that process with a number of people. It's hard.
If I understand you right, you're afraid of what the former therapist might do to you and your family. Have you ever gotten a restraining order? That's surely no way to live. I'm sorry you were traumatized and continue to live with the fallout.
I hope you will sense the caring support that's available to you in this group. Each of us has a painful history of some kind, and that enables us to relate to each other. Hang on, Parus.
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
@parus
I profusely apologize for upsetting you. I honestly thought I was being helpful. I did not know your depression is drug resistant. That makes your struggle much harder. You must have felt even worse if you thought I sounded superior and preachy. So not my intent. I am well aware I do not have all the answers. Everyone's path is different. I was just sharing my experience in hope that it may help. I am saddened that you sound so hopeless. I was only trying to give you a light in your darkness. I apparently failed miserably. Please forgive me and know I would never intentionally try to make someone feel bad. Have you tried self help books since your experience with therapy has been so counter productive? I have read many and, again, I use what works for me and disregard the rest. I truly pray you find the peace you deserve. Again, so sorry my previous post was interpreted so negatively. I really was trying for a positive affect.
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
@blindeyepug made a great suggestion about books. David Burns has written some good books on treating depression without drugs. Have you tried self-help books?
I also am one of those people who has drug-resistant Depression. The meds I'm on help a bit, but I never feel what I would call happy. It seems no matter what I do, nothing makes me happy. I'm not sure I even know what happy feels like. But this is as good as it gets, so I'll just have to live with it. There are a lot of great books out there on Depression and Aniety and, what I have - Cyclothymia and do avail yourself to them. I hope you have a good support group, a group of folks who are with you no matter what, who you can call anytime of the day or night and they would be there in a minute's notice. That's so important ..... it makes you feel less alone. I'm struggling with that right now as 2 years ago I left my hometown of 35 years and moved abut 4 hours away, closer to my grown kids. My entire support system is up there ..... friends, church, doctors .. everything. For awhile it was really really rough, but I'm doing better. I'll be moving to a new apartment which is closer to my kids, and it's more like real community. I'm praying that I'll be able to settle in and make it my "nest."
No, you're not alone with the drug-resistant D/A ...... there's a lot of us, we just don't talk about it. Take care my friend, and keep writing to all of us ... we're here, we understand, and will help hold you up when your knees begin to weaken.
Blessings,
abby
Abby, thanks for writing. I also have treatment resistant depression, and I thought for more than 10 years that, on a scale of 1-10, I'd never make it to 6, but I did, though I've dipped back down to a 5 a few times. Like you, I've accepted that 6 is my new 9. I share the feeling of not being able to remember what happy felt like. Things that used to make me happy, and brought pleasure, no longer do. I think my therapist called it dysthymia, having a "normal" baseline that's lower than most people have.
Fifteen years ago, I had a very different (and wrong) perception of mental illness. All of that changed over a short period of time. It changed from a very academic view to being immersed in it. I've since realized that I had been living for decades with anxiety and PTSD, and was prone to depression.
I really wanted to begin ECT, but my wife was very much against it, and working out the logistics became way too overwhelming, so I stopped the process. I had been approved for it, and the psychiatrist strongly recommended it, because medication and therapy had had a limited effect. Maybe it was for the best, but I still regret not being able to move forward to that next step.
I've read a bunch of books, and have learned a lot about myself. When I was in the deepest, darkest place, I couldn't read even a magazine article, nor could I pray. It was a place I hope never to return to. It's a place of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness and utter lostness. I gained a new understanding and respect for those who've been there, and survived.
I'd write more, but it's time for devotions with my wife, so I'll just say goodnight.
Thanks for continuing the discussion on treatment-resistant depression. You and Abby have both developed some good "thinking-strategies" for dealing with a difficult problem. Your sharing on this forum is appreciated!
I have realized the more I started reading the more hopeless I became. What helps or works for one may harm another...my father always called me a lone fox as I much preferred nature and the creatures to hanging out or being sociable...weak-kneed describes me well now as my knees are in bad shape and doing physical therapy after being told to not walk since January and now being told to blah, blah, blah...I am weak in many ways and going through the bureaucratic hoops is part of life. Like so many things-"can't change it, can't fix it". By the time one hits 65 and can no longer physically work there is nothing much else left. I see people and smile and laugh-they all see me as happy, funny, entertaining...zaps my strength to do so and even a trip to the grocery is draining.
If knowledge is power and wisdom I have had my share...I stay safe w/ my paint brushes and now paint what is me and not what others want done for them.
I lived a life of being a people pleasing person and this achieved nothing other than wearing my body done to where it can no longer be a pack mule, work horse or gopher. I am not bitter as I did what I did because I genuinely cared...Took me a long time to realize the world is full of users and abusers. There was a time when someone told me something I believed them. This is no longer true for me. I have learned the hard way and much prefer spending my older years still being kind, but far more cautious. The more I start to hear pretty words the more I distance myself.
Could be worse as once I stopped listening to the perverted therapists and taking drugs prescribed by shrinks that were most seeking perks from drug companies...they never listened and went by what the therapist said...beware those wolves in sheep's clothing I tell myself now.
All of this jibberish comes from reading too much. If someone is wanting to translate this type of thinking into self-pity it is their choice. I personally believe the mental health system is highly over-rated and I am not a negative person so much as a realist as I see how cruel the world has become and always has been. Now there are those with degrees that cannot tell good cow dung from apple butter and surely cannot think outside the box and everyone should fit within the parameters of what they learned from books or the person they are working with is non compliant...my near fatal mistake was being compliant.
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would only like to say that my depression is treatment resistant as far as meds...I have tried many and things only became worse and if there were a medication that could help w/ the depression I would take it...Several therapists that had no experience w/ PTSD. Brain chemistry is not something I am ashamed of and all the comparing my mental status to illnesses and that I am refusing to do anything has been hurtful even if this was not your intent...Sound like those perverted therapists that had not a clue what they were doing and I ended up knowing more about their lives than they did mine. If you are somehow under the impression I am not putting one foot in front of the other you are way of the mark.
Thankful you you have been able to get help and also very sad and hurt w/ your superior attitude. Being spoken down to is not something I find helpful or encouraging.
Hi @parus,
I'm sorry if you found @blindeyepug's message to be anything less than supportive and encouraging. Blindeyepug is a longstanding member of Connect who regularly welcomes and supports new members, especially in the Mental Health group. She likely did not see from your previous posts in other discussion threads that your depression is treatment-resistant. Thank you for adding that explanation.
I assure you that, along with other mentors and members, Blindeyepug's message is one of understanding and support, and not intended to have a superior attitude. That is the limitation of an online community. We cannot use body language and tone of voice to convey our empathy. Therefore, when we read messages, we must use caution in our interpretation of the words. I hope you can accept our words as an embrace of understanding and support. That is what Connect is built on. Respect. Support. Inclusivity.
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2 Reactions@parus
I know of other therapists who have abused their position. A friend of mine was seduced by his male therapist. One of my therapists told me I should leave my wife. I didn't go back to that one. Most of the ones I've seen have been good. But my experience is only mine, and I don't expect it to be the same as anyone else's.
Broken trust wreaks havoc on lives. It takes time, effort, support and forgiveness, and a lot of them, to rebuild trust. I guess you can tell I've been through that process with a number of people. It's hard.
If I understand you right, you're afraid of what the former therapist might do to you and your family. Have you ever gotten a restraining order? That's surely no way to live. I'm sorry you were traumatized and continue to live with the fallout.
I hope you will sense the caring support that's available to you in this group. Each of us has a painful history of some kind, and that enables us to relate to each other. Hang on, Parus.
Jim
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8 Reactions@parus
I profusely apologize for upsetting you. I honestly thought I was being helpful. I did not know your depression is drug resistant. That makes your struggle much harder. You must have felt even worse if you thought I sounded superior and preachy. So not my intent. I am well aware I do not have all the answers. Everyone's path is different. I was just sharing my experience in hope that it may help. I am saddened that you sound so hopeless. I was only trying to give you a light in your darkness. I apparently failed miserably. Please forgive me and know I would never intentionally try to make someone feel bad. Have you tried self help books since your experience with therapy has been so counter productive? I have read many and, again, I use what works for me and disregard the rest. I truly pray you find the peace you deserve. Again, so sorry my previous post was interpreted so negatively. I really was trying for a positive affect.
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6 ReactionsDear @parus
@blindeyepug made a great suggestion about books. David Burns has written some good books on treating depression without drugs. Have you tried self-help books?
Teresa
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2 ReactionsI also am one of those people who has drug-resistant Depression. The meds I'm on help a bit, but I never feel what I would call happy. It seems no matter what I do, nothing makes me happy. I'm not sure I even know what happy feels like. But this is as good as it gets, so I'll just have to live with it. There are a lot of great books out there on Depression and Aniety and, what I have - Cyclothymia and do avail yourself to them. I hope you have a good support group, a group of folks who are with you no matter what, who you can call anytime of the day or night and they would be there in a minute's notice. That's so important ..... it makes you feel less alone. I'm struggling with that right now as 2 years ago I left my hometown of 35 years and moved abut 4 hours away, closer to my grown kids. My entire support system is up there ..... friends, church, doctors .. everything. For awhile it was really really rough, but I'm doing better. I'll be moving to a new apartment which is closer to my kids, and it's more like real community. I'm praying that I'll be able to settle in and make it my "nest."
No, you're not alone with the drug-resistant D/A ...... there's a lot of us, we just don't talk about it. Take care my friend, and keep writing to all of us ... we're here, we understand, and will help hold you up when your knees begin to weaken.
Blessings,
abby
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5 Reactions@amberpep Abby: Thank you for your words of encouragement to @parus.
Teresa
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Abby, thanks for writing. I also have treatment resistant depression, and I thought for more than 10 years that, on a scale of 1-10, I'd never make it to 6, but I did, though I've dipped back down to a 5 a few times. Like you, I've accepted that 6 is my new 9. I share the feeling of not being able to remember what happy felt like. Things that used to make me happy, and brought pleasure, no longer do. I think my therapist called it dysthymia, having a "normal" baseline that's lower than most people have.
Fifteen years ago, I had a very different (and wrong) perception of mental illness. All of that changed over a short period of time. It changed from a very academic view to being immersed in it. I've since realized that I had been living for decades with anxiety and PTSD, and was prone to depression.
I really wanted to begin ECT, but my wife was very much against it, and working out the logistics became way too overwhelming, so I stopped the process. I had been approved for it, and the psychiatrist strongly recommended it, because medication and therapy had had a limited effect. Maybe it was for the best, but I still regret not being able to move forward to that next step.
I've read a bunch of books, and have learned a lot about myself. When I was in the deepest, darkest place, I couldn't read even a magazine article, nor could I pray. It was a place I hope never to return to. It's a place of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness and utter lostness. I gained a new understanding and respect for those who've been there, and survived.
I'd write more, but it's time for devotions with my wife, so I'll just say goodnight.
Jim
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3 ReactionsHi Jim, @jimhd
Thanks for continuing the discussion on treatment-resistant depression. You and Abby have both developed some good "thinking-strategies" for dealing with a difficult problem. Your sharing on this forum is appreciated!
Teresa
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3 ReactionsI have realized the more I started reading the more hopeless I became. What helps or works for one may harm another...my father always called me a lone fox as I much preferred nature and the creatures to hanging out or being sociable...weak-kneed describes me well now as my knees are in bad shape and doing physical therapy after being told to not walk since January and now being told to blah, blah, blah...I am weak in many ways and going through the bureaucratic hoops is part of life. Like so many things-"can't change it, can't fix it". By the time one hits 65 and can no longer physically work there is nothing much else left. I see people and smile and laugh-they all see me as happy, funny, entertaining...zaps my strength to do so and even a trip to the grocery is draining.
If knowledge is power and wisdom I have had my share...I stay safe w/ my paint brushes and now paint what is me and not what others want done for them.
I lived a life of being a people pleasing person and this achieved nothing other than wearing my body done to where it can no longer be a pack mule, work horse or gopher. I am not bitter as I did what I did because I genuinely cared...Took me a long time to realize the world is full of users and abusers. There was a time when someone told me something I believed them. This is no longer true for me. I have learned the hard way and much prefer spending my older years still being kind, but far more cautious. The more I start to hear pretty words the more I distance myself.
Could be worse as once I stopped listening to the perverted therapists and taking drugs prescribed by shrinks that were most seeking perks from drug companies...they never listened and went by what the therapist said...beware those wolves in sheep's clothing I tell myself now.
All of this jibberish comes from reading too much. If someone is wanting to translate this type of thinking into self-pity it is their choice. I personally believe the mental health system is highly over-rated and I am not a negative person so much as a realist as I see how cruel the world has become and always has been. Now there are those with degrees that cannot tell good cow dung from apple butter and surely cannot think outside the box and everyone should fit within the parameters of what they learned from books or the person they are working with is non compliant...my near fatal mistake was being compliant.
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