Mayo Clinic Connect
I agree with @blindeyepug. I would not let one bad therapist keep you from seeking the help that you need.
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I also am one of those people who has drug-resistant Depression. The meds I’m on help a bit, but I never feel what I would call happy. It seems no matter what I do, nothing makes me happy. I’m not sure I even know what happy feels like. But this is as good as it gets, so I’ll just have to live with it. There are a lot of great books out there on Depression and Aniety and, what I have – Cyclothymia and do avail yourself to them. I hope you have a good support group, a group of folks who are with you no matter what, who you can call anytime of the day or night and they would be there in a minute’s notice. That’s so important ….. it makes you feel less alone. I’m struggling with that right now as 2 years ago I left my hometown of 35 years and moved abut 4 hours away, closer to my grown kids. My entire support system is up there ….. friends, church, doctors .. everything. For awhile it was really really rough, but I’m doing better. I’ll be moving to a new apartment which is closer to my kids, and it’s more like real community. I’m praying that I’ll be able to settle in and make it my “nest.”
No, you’re not alone with the drug-resistant D/A …… there’s a lot of us, we just don’t talk about it. Take care my friend, and keep writing to all of us … we’re here, we understand, and will help hold you up when your knees begin to weaken.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, blindeyepug, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Lisa Lucier ... see all
@amberpep Abby: Thank you for your words of encouragement to @parus.
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Abby, thanks for writing. I also have treatment resistant depression, and I thought for more than 10 years that, on a scale of 1-10, I’d never make it to 6, but I did, though I’ve dipped back down to a 5 a few times. Like you, I’ve accepted that 6 is my new 9. I share the feeling of not being able to remember what happy felt like. Things that used to make me happy, and brought pleasure, no longer do. I think my therapist called it dysthymia, having a “normal” baseline that’s lower than most people have.
Fifteen years ago, I had a very different (and wrong) perception of mental illness. All of that changed over a short period of time. It changed from a very academic view to being immersed in it. I’ve since realized that I had been living for decades with anxiety and PTSD, and was prone to depression.
I really wanted to begin ECT, but my wife was very much against it, and working out the logistics became way too overwhelming, so I stopped the process. I had been approved for it, and the psychiatrist strongly recommended it, because medication and therapy had had a limited effect. Maybe it was for the best, but I still regret not being able to move forward to that next step.
I’ve read a bunch of books, and have learned a lot about myself. When I was in the deepest, darkest place, I couldn’t read even a magazine article, nor could I pray. It was a place I hope never to return to. It’s a place of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness and utter lostness. I gained a new understanding and respect for those who’ve been there, and survived.
I’d write more, but it’s time for devotions with my wife, so I’ll just say goodnight.
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Hi Jim, @jimhd
Thanks for continuing the discussion on treatment-resistant depression. You and Abby have both developed some good “thinking-strategies” for dealing with a difficult problem. Your sharing on this forum is appreciated!
Liked by GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Lisa Lucier, healthytoday
I have realized the more I started reading the more hopeless I became. What helps or works for one may harm another…my father always called me a lone fox as I much preferred nature and the creatures to hanging out or being sociable…weak-kneed describes me well now as my knees are in bad shape and doing physical therapy after being told to not walk since January and now being told to blah, blah, blah…I am weak in many ways and going through the bureaucratic hoops is part of life. Like so many things-“can’t change it, can’t fix it”. By the time one hits 65 and can no longer physically work there is nothing much else left. I see people and smile and laugh-they all see me as happy, funny, entertaining…zaps my strength to do so and even a trip to the grocery is draining.
If knowledge is power and wisdom I have had my share…I stay safe w/ my paint brushes and now paint what is me and not what others want done for them.
I lived a life of being a people pleasing person and this achieved nothing other than wearing my body done to where it can no longer be a pack mule, work horse or gopher. I am not bitter as I did what I did because I genuinely cared…Took me a long time to realize the world is full of users and abusers. There was a time when someone told me something I believed them. This is no longer true for me. I have learned the hard way and much prefer spending my older years still being kind, but far more cautious. The more I start to hear pretty words the more I distance myself.
Could be worse as once I stopped listening to the perverted therapists and taking drugs prescribed by shrinks that were most seeking perks from drug companies…they never listened and went by what the therapist said…beware those wolves in sheep’s clothing I tell myself now.
All of this jibberish comes from reading too much. If someone is wanting to translate this type of thinking into self-pity it is their choice. I personally believe the mental health system is highly over-rated and I am not a negative person so much as a realist as I see how cruel the world has become and always has been. Now there are those with degrees that cannot tell good cow dung from apple butter and surely cannot think outside the box and everyone should fit within the parameters of what they learned from books or the person they are working with is non compliant…my near fatal mistake was being compliant.
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@parus Expressing your feelings is a good thing. I am glad that you have your art and nature for comfort. I am also glad that you found Mayo Connect. We all need our safe places and for each of us that is something different. Teresa
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@parus I totally agree to only do what works for you. No one has the answers for what will work for you but you. People make suggestions just as a way of sharing or trying to help. I, too, find great solace in nature and prefer animals over people. I have always been a non compliant patient if I didn’t agree with what was said or suggested. So glad you have your painting and nature. And so glad you are expressing the way you feel. There are no wrong feelings. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Only you know your journey and can comment on it. Others have their journey, too, that is unique to them as well.
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Hi Everyone. I have read lately that there has been some success using MDMA (a chemical found in the party drug Ecstasy – don’t take the actual drug!!) for PTSD and drug resistant depression. Do some research. For those of you who are suffering, perhaps this will be an answer?
You are not alone ….. because of the way I grew up, I prefer to be by myself. Oh, when I’m with friends or a group of people, I can pull it off and seemingly “enjoy myself” but when I leave I’m exhausted. And my favorite past-time is sitting in my chair, hot cup of tea in hand, reading a book ….. a very isolated activity. It’s a push for me to “get out there” and like you, the thought of getting a part-time job makes me tired just thinking about it …. I’m 72. I often wonder, what is left for me? I don’t know the answer to that one …. only He does.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor
Hi again Jim ….. have you ever kept a mood journal? I have done that several times and it’s very interesting to see just how quickly my mood changes during the day. I give it from 1 to 5 for the AM, Noon, PM ….. it’s very eye opening. That’s how my doctor realized I had cyclothymia.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Parus
@amberpep Thank you for sharing this…any type of treatment recommended for this diagnosis. I have not ever heard of this…hmmmm.
For anyone living w/ PTSD symptoms vary. I had some terrible experiences w/ therapists and this did nothing but increase my symptoms. I was misdiagnosed and loaded up w/ anti psychotics which were so wrong-One therapist ended up w/ a 99 year suspension on her license and is still harassing and stalking me which is so difficult. I moved once and she found me…I did not file the charges against this therapist.
Living in fear is not the way to live out the rest of my life…I live in fear for my family too. I don’t know where 2 of my adult children live because of this mess w/ someone that was supposed to be helping…I find it hard to trust.
I have grand children too. I live in fear for them. This sicko caused much harm to others as well. One less predator in the mental health system.
Maybe I can get some help from others. I grew up being abused and did not know as I partitioned by brain into other parts and did not need to deal…now I am trying to have some kind of life and fear has driven me back from others.
I can understand that some have been helped by the mental health system…I don’t think there is help there or anywhere.
That was negative and also true.
@jimhd You mentioned a restraining order…waste of time as unless caught in violation thereof…this now pastoral counselor (alternative therapy, you know) would find this type of thing a challenge and more entertainment for her sick game. I have discussed this w/ those specially trained in these types of activities -leave a paper trail again.
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we’re talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren’t thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken – they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they “self” medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn’t work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me – been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can’t live a good life. You don’t have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don’t want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
Do you mind ifbi ask how old you are? You sound so wise. Iam 71, and i have trouble reading the self gelp books. My mind just waunders. I guess what iam trying to say is iam having trouble helping myself. It made me feel good that you have come so far.
Abby, I do keep a daily record of my mood level, on the 1 to 10 scale. Actually, I write the average for the day, which has mostly been 6 to 6.5, but lately I’ve been down to 5. My previous therapist suggested that I write it in 100s, so I’d write that I was 610-650. I’ve concluded that 6 is my new 9. As I noted to someone, it’s been so long since I felt happy that I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I think my last 9 day was quite awhile before 2002. I don’t really remember.
That’s not to say that I don’t have peace, because I do have that in Christ.
By pastoral counselor, do you mean she is a minister? If so, and she’s done all of this to you, being kind of cynical, I might question her calling and credentials. I’m a retired pastor, but I did very little counseling because I wasn’t qualified.
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