Suggestions | Help with Getting Her to Sleep

@pamela78 I appreciate the honesty of this post and often wonder what I will do "to keep my husband, safe, comfortable and happy" when I'm no longer able to. With little support from family and friends now, it's scary - that fear of the unknown, guilt of wanting to just live, and what often can feel like failure. But I realize that love, comes in all forms - for those that want to tackle the disease with their loved ones, at home, and for those, like you, that realized the Churchill's "end of the beginning" by again, doing, what's "safe, comfortable, and happy" for both you and your beloved husband. Thank you again, for this valuable post and the reminder that we don't have to go "in the dark." Duty, love, and surrender," has options. Blessings to you both.
Best, Karla

@pamela78 Well, a lot has happened in the past year. In August my husband had a bad fall that put him in the hospital and rehab for a month. From there he went to independent living in a senior facility. A month ago he was transferred to memory care and now he doesn't know who I am, he hallucinates, and he's in a wheelchair. Yes, this is disconcerting and sad and totally unfair but when I look back at my post from 2025, I'm reminded of my irritation. I'm not irritated now. I'm only interested in keeping him safe, comfortable, and as happy as someone in his condition can be. And honestly, I find things easier now. After years of slow decline, then a drastic year of trauma and adjustment, I feel that we've reached not the beginning of the end but the end of the beginning, to quote Winston Churchill. Things are under control now, I have professional help and lots of support from family and friends. My husband won't be coming home and I'm looking ahead to the rest of my life. I'm 80 and I'm not done living yet. I don't know what anyone can gain or learn from this post, but here it is for what it's worth. I guess if I had any advice to give, it would be: don't go into the dark with your spouse out of love, duty, or surrender. Keep hold of your own life and don't feel guilty for wanting to live.

The repetitions! I think this is what bothers me most--for now. My husband has three topics: frisbee, his education (over 50 yrs. ago), and the bite he sustained from our Chihuahua (8 yrs. ago). And that's it. Oh, there's more. He tells me about every single thing he does. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going outside. I'm taking the garbage out. I'm unloading the dishwasher. I'm going upstairs. I'm brushing my teeth. Add to that the endless reports on sports, whether it's tennis, soccer, basketball, baseball, or swimming. Doesn't matter what team, the important thing is the score. None of this sounds particularly damning, not nearly as difficult as what many here describe. But the constant drip, drip, drip of pointless information and old stories has shut me right down. I feel bad because I can't and don't respond to his every utterance with something like interest. You know those feeble smiles you get when someone does or says something embarrassing and you don't want to encourage them but don't want to humiliate them either? Like smiling at a precocious child who says something that is completely off the wall. The only relief really is describing all this to a sympathetic listener, which I assume I find here. So thank you one and all for your patience with me.

@kjc48 I felt a lot of guilt at first when my husband went into senior living, but the decision to put him there was made when he had his fall. That was a turning point, He was so badly hurt that I simply couldn't care for him at home. It may sound strange, but in a way it was a fortunate fall, because it made a life-altering decision not only possible but imperative. I had planned to keep him at home, put in grab bars, make accommodations, but once he was settled into independent in an affordable, well-run, and very attractive senior living residence, I quickly realized that he was much better off with adequate care, good food, three kinds of therapy, and other people to mingle with and get to know. At home, he only had me and the TV. Now he had his own world, with people in it, things to do, and a lovely campus to enjoy outside. Memory care, of course is different, Same campus, same administration, much more care in a secure facility designed to meet the needs of people like my husband. When he falls, there is someone there who can help him get up; when it's mealtime, there are people to remind him it's time to eat. He's gained weight and put some meat on his thin frame and I no longer have to cook, an activity I'm very happy at age 80 to forego. It's painful to visit and see him so reduced from the intelligent, energetic, cheerful man he used to be, but he's so much better off than he would have been at home with me. And I'm better off too. Everyone who faces a drastic change in circumstances, whether because of health, or job, or loss, has to face it in her/his own way. There is no right or wrong, only what works best and feels right. There should be no judgment, though the temptation is always there when you see other people making choices you yourself wouldn't. Loving support all around makes all the difference, and my hope is that everyone in this group has that.

@pamela78 Again, I really appreciate this post. I'm curious, how were you able to get him into "independent" right away, or did he go directly into "memory care." I remember my aging friend who we helped move her from her small house, and her nephew put her in independent, but 6 months into it, she couldn't do anything alone, making me wonder how she even qualified initially for "independent" living if she had cognitive decline. Did your husband go directly in independent first? It sounds like the senior living residence has independent, assisted and full memory care? Curious on some cost range if you don't mind sharing. Thanks, again.
Best, Karla

@kjc48 My husband went from rehab, which was horrible IMHO, to independent living, where he did relatively well once he settled in. That took 3 or 4 months and he was in independent for about 8 months. I had arranged for him to go to assisted living, which would have been not very different from independent but with more care, but when he was evaluated, he was deemed ready for memory care. That was a shock to me, as I hadn't expected that. So, he moved to memory care, where he continued to decline. He's been there for a little over a month and his decline has been precipitous. I see now that assisted living wouldn't have worked at all. Independent was around $3500/mo. for one meal a day and three kinds of therapy. I provided the other two meals and that meant a lot of running around for me. It kept the cost down somewhat. Now memory care is maybe $1k more and it's a secure facility with three meals a day and two snacks, with 27/7 caregivers always present. He now has a doctor affiliated with the facility, so I don't have to take him to those appointments anymore. I recently took him to the dentist to have an infected tooth extracted and I was told that he probably wouldn't need to see the dentist again as the whole business is upsetting to him and, not incidentally, to me. He was inappropriate in the waiting room and memory care doesn't send residents to the dentist anymore. You can't stop time. I was very lucky to find him a good place so quickly. I'll never know, but my daughter is a social worker who knows a lot of the folks at the residence, so I suspect she might have put a word in for her stepfather. Just a guess on my part, but I was quite lucky that things moved so quickly. I hope you find solutions that fit your situation. Lord knows, I realize how difficult this is.