Cost of memory care for an Alzheimer's patient

I put my husband of 43 years into memory care when his brain cancer and cognitive decline meant that it was no longer safe for him to be at home. As with your husband, he was wandering and had no sense of home whatsoever anymore. He was also up all night every night, which meant that my sleep was abysmal. His self-care became a zero, even with my assistance or insistence.

I visited the memory care facilities in my area, checked ratings, talked with friends who had gone through similar things in recent years, and finally also talk to a consultant before making my selection. I was terribly afraid that my husband would have a lot of difficulty in the adjustment, but it was smooth. The facility understood how to do the intake in a way that made him feel comfortable. He liked all the attention that he got from different people, including the ladies in the unit. I’m not sure it’s fair to say that he was happy there, but he was definitely well cared for and safe. I saw him every day, and he always knew me. Maybe not my name, but my face. It was a bittersweet time. they kept him clean Which was something I was no longer able to do because he would not cooperate with me. It took two attendants to get him cleaned up, but they knew what they were doing and were kind.

The cost in SC was 8500/ month, all private pay.

Good luck

@ruthannray

We have had similar experiences. I am 80 and I am exhausted from my husband waking me up every night. Your husbands experience gives me hope that maybe my husband's transition won't be as bad as I am imagining. My husband ran away again yesterday, and I was following him in my car pleading for him to get in my car. I was so worried about him stepping into a busy street that I pulled onto a street without looking both ways and a car came within a second of hitting me. Luckily the other driver slammed on his brakes to avert a crash. I have had enough. It is time to put him in Memory Care. The difficult part is that when I talked with him about it he said, "I love you and I can't live without you." Please don't put me into Memory care.
Thank you for sharing your experience.

@methel
You have been through so much. I can't imagine going through such a serious surgery and worrying about your husband at the same time. I am glad your kids stepped up to help. My kids have been a huge help also. They have come over and talked on the phone to calm my husband down dozens of times. I understand how you were paralyzed. When you love someone the idea of putting them in Memory Care is daunting.
My daughter is helping me research some memory care units. It's shocking how many violations some of them have.

Thank you for your best wishes, I appreciate your kind words.

@katrina123
When your beloved husband has dementia, the normal promises are vacated. He had no idea what his life, and yours, would be like living with this disease. You have to do what is necessary to keep him safe and keep yourself safe.

I don’t know whether he has started to fall yet but that will come if it hasn’t. My husband began falling, and I realized that one of his falls was going to take both of us out sooner or later. He wouldn’t use his walking aids and was quick! What if I had been badly injured? How would I have cared for him then?

I hated making the decision to place him in memory care, but it was the right decision. It probably should have happened sooner. Do not feel guilty!

@ruthannray

My husband actually fell on June 28th. He fell flat on his back and screamed at the top of his lungs. It took me 15 minutes to get him up off the floor. I took him to the doctor on June 29th, and the doctor said that I should have taken him to the ER because he could have had a brain bleed. He had a CT scan and luckily, he didn't. Looking back, I probably shouldn't even have lifted him off the floor. What if he had had a broken neck or back? This wasn't his first fall; he has had several. It's heartbreaking but it is time to place him in Memory Care. My next step is deciding which memory care unit to put him in. I have looked at 2 so far. One was pretty good and the other one was awful. I should have looked up the awful one on the internet first because it had a huge number of violations with the state.

Thank you - I am going to try not to feel guilty because it is time.

@katrina123
You are doing the right thing. Do not second guess yourself! Find the best place for him and place him. It sometimes takes a little while, so don’t hesitate to act. I hope you find a good care facility close enough to your home that you can be with him very regularly. It will help both of you. Blessings!

@lisagrey Hi Lisa. Thank you for posting this. I am the only child of a single mother with progressing Alzheimer's Disease. She lives in SC and I in Seattle. We have some family in her hometown, though none able to or willing to assume care for her. She lives on a small income of state pension and social security. I am extremely stressed thinking about her long term options, as neither of us can afford the hefty bill for in-home or LT memory care, and I cannot stop working (I am single without alternate income sources). I have never thought of overseas care, honestly. What has been your experience? Pros/Cons? I will look into this further as well. Again, thank you for your post.

@lacyjeans1 My husband ran into the same problem. He had to have his sister placed in a long term care home. And he was stressed out because she had zero money and neither did we as we were in the middle of a move. He met with the social workers at the home and explained how she could qualify for Medicaid. She would need to spend down her assets. Of course, she was in Massachusetts and he was in Colorado, but he had to take on her care and financial issues. Find a good social worker!

@lacyjeans1 understood, and hello fellow Seattleite. I no longer live in Seattle actually, but grew up there (Kent-Renton area) and my family still lives in Kirkland. To your question, 'overseas' includes a lot of options, which is great but can also be a bit overwhelming... but hell, what isn't overwhelming these days?! Let me give you a little pre-amble and then give you my pros and cons.

I'm a scientist by training, so when I looked at the science of what actually matters to people with dementia I came across two reoccurring themes. The first was 'specialized dementia training', as opposed to generalized clinical training. The best specialized training comes from something called "Person Centered Dementia Care", created by Dr. Tom Kitwood's, a UK gerontologist from the 80's that researched and wrote extensively about specialized dementia training and care. In principle it's the best research and practicum we have available, however, in practice it takes 1:1 carer to "patient" (person) ratios to execute. So the real metric, which was also the second recurring theme, is actually the carer-to-person ratio.

So I used that as my primary filter when looking for the best care in the world, and that single filter helped me cut through the hype, marketing and gimmicks, and my two bullshit-filtering questions became:

1. "What is your current carer ratio for each shift (two day, and one night)?"
2. "What specialized training do your care staff have?"

Everything else was downstream of those two questions.

My pros are pretty easy:
1. Best care available in the world today. (I genuinely challenge someone to try to prove me wrong.)
2. Way cheaper than the US.
3. Much friendlier culture: a care / hospitality-based culture, especially towards elderly and kids.
4. Much safer than the US.
5. Much better and cheaper medical care, even taking into account Medicare/Medicaid.
6. Door-to-door relocation assistance.

My cons, that's harder. The time zone differences could be a bit challenging for family video calls. Absorbing all the praise from my family, that's challenging, I don't accept praise very well. Hmmm... honestly, there aren't many cons at this point. Figuring out what to worry about instead? That could be a con I suppose! I jest of course. Living in the US there's an unending supply of things to worry about.

I know you're stressed Lacy Jeans, I can feel it through your writing. You're a strong woman. You're a powerful woman and a force of nature. Fear is not a true obstacle for you, it's an opportunity. I believe in you. You are going to make it work, and it's going to be awesome. In a year you'll look back and thank yourself, and all the naysayers be damned they will either be sucking on their sour grapes, or calling you a genius!