Dealing with anger in someone with dementia: How do you respond?

Dear @diverdown1
There is so much in your message. I have a very short window of time right now so I will focus on the first subject of your message, handling the anger.

Just because you are not living with her does not mean that you can't use one of the most effective responses: "Walk" away.

I'll explain that this is not as heartless as it may sound at first. We must all embrace that if helping a loved one with dementia was a sport it would be judo, not karate. Karate is about stopping an opponent's attack with a countermove and simultaneously delivering a debilitating blow. In judo, you use the other person's momentum and change it slightly to alter the effect. Accordingly, when partnering with dementia, everyone gains when we take whatever troubled energy our afflicted person is experiencing and deflect it. When a loved one is angry or confused or stuck, we can break the lock of that state by changing the "music" of the situation, making a silly joke, changing the subject with alacrity, proposing a known favorite treat, literally playing evocative music, etc.

But there are times when they may be in a cognitive rut or you may not have the energy to deflect and avoid getting sucked into a spiral of negativity, In such cases, it can be best to simply walk away. Staying in the conversation in such cases does nothing to alter the person's mood and it leaves you debilitated. It may even build up resentment toward the ill person.

In your case, this might take the form of saying "Mom, it is going to be ok. We have arranged for that. If that is the only thing you want to talk about, I need to go. I love you. We'll talk later. "

Remember, stewing in that anger is not good for her either. Taking away the audience by walking away can deflate that negative emotion and open her mind to better thoughts.

You sound like a realistic and compassionate person. Just as with cognitively intact friends, enabling our dementia loved ones to stew in anger is not the best thing we can do for them.

Wishing you more peace.

@maryvc The transport to the AL purposefully did not involve me, I was afraid he wouldn’t get out of the car. The facility staff said not to meet him there or to visit for three days. They also suggested very strongly not to visit every day or to stay for long periods. When a spouse does that, the person has much more difficulty settling in, developing friendships, getting involved in activities, or being willing to leave their room for special presentations, like music. It felt weird and I was worried about him, but I figured this is what they do for a living and I need to trust them. Guess what, they were right! The wife of the guy across the hall comes daily and stays long hours, he rarely comes out of his room, says he’s waiting for his wife.
I visit Wednesday and Saturday early afternoon for approx an hour and a half. I do those days to be there during the work week when admin is there and on the weekend to keep an eye on what’s what when the “cat’s away”. Early afternoon you’re not interfering with morning care and med passes, the person has had lunch but has probably not laid down yet for a nap.
I refresh water and soda in his small fridge, refresh the incontinence briefs in the bathroom, tidy up a bit, etc. Then we head out to the car. He likes Dunkin drive-through for coffee and a donut, then we take a drive. We live in a rural area, he likes to drive over by the farms. He also likes to go on a few errands to familiar stores, he waits in the car and reads brochures I picked up at a nearby visitor center. He doesn’t understand the words, but they have lots of photos and fit nicely into the car door inside holder. I only do this with very short errands. When we get back to the facility, he’s always looking for his guy group friends. I give him a kiss and off he goes.

Highly recommend googling “Loving Detachment”, it REALLY helped me to cope during the worsening dementia years of home care-giving and now that he is in AL.
It will be very hard for you, but Loving Detachment teaches you that there are situations where you must step back and seek peace for yourself, as you have absolutely no control and little to no influence. With dementia, you can’t expect reasonable thought from a person whose brain can’t reason, thus “I won’t go to the doctor”, “I won’t take my pills”. You can’t expect short term memory from a person whose brain is becoming broken with every day that passes. Of course, she doesn’t remember x, y, and z. Stop fighting Mr Dementia- he has a tight grip on your mom and he isn’t letting go, ever. Enjoy the moments of lucidity, enjoy laughter with sharing an old funny family story. Just yesterday during a visit, we laughed and laughed when I brought up the old family story of the potato launcher my husband built with the kids from PVC pipe and shot off in the backyard. I can think of a hundred of them and each time I bring one up, we laugh again. The kids childhood and his childhood work best.
It will be very hard, but don’t answer the phone when your mom calls for the 2nd and later times. Don’t stay on the phone when she segues into anger, just say, “Gotta go”. Don’t get to reason with her. Don’t argue with her, just reflect and repeat back to her what she’s saying to you when in person.
My husband advanced to exactly the same as your mom AND it landed him in the hospital, BUT it was the best thing, they kept him for 3-4 days to straighten everything out from refusing meds, refusing his diabetic diet, and staying up all night. We were told they arranging for AL “for now, to receive PT “. I quick prepared the AL room and he was transferred to it by wheelchair van, although he was full ambulatory. He received PT there and got settled into a routine and the days progressed into months, no five years. He has a circle of guy friends, loves the staff, has never asked to come home.

@centre
Hi, just a curiosity: you said you refresh the briefs in the bathroom. Does this mean the AL facility doesn't provide things like that?
These facilities are so expensive, if they also require that you provide care items on top of the high price tag, I am worried!

The doctor changed my mom from the Excelon patch to pills and upped the dose so she is going to take two doses a day. She called me 3 times yesterday, two of which were an hour apart and she asked me if she had talked to me. It is sad as she is aware that she can't remember. I try to make her laugh when she starts getting angry. She also called after I apparently fell asleep on the couch. Her voicemail asked me if she had talked to me. I did not call her back as I received it at 1:00 a.m. when I had to peel my contacts out of my eyes. I have found that I can change the direction of our conversations. I know that I must work on myself and I also have to remember, as many of you wonderful souls have said, that I don't have to answer the phone every time she calls. Part of one issue is that for 30 plus years, I was an active alcoholic/addict. That part of her that worried she was going to get a call I was dead, is still very present in her. I am now 55 and sober for 8 years and she still gets that panic if she can't reach me. I do not have children, so I don't know what that is like. She does constantly refer to me as her little baby girl (I don't like that, but I don't mention that I don't like it). She talks about what a sweet, beautiful child I was until I started drinking. I started drinking at 12 years old and in treatment at 14. There was a lot of dysfunction in my family and I think that I acted that out. She has been through a lot, as we all have, I am sure. I am going to get the book "36 hours a day" that was suggested. I have also suggested it to my brother. You all help so much. I do not feel as alone in all this. I will say that the groups on this site, that I am a part of, have and are helping me daily. I hope you feel my gratitude.

Welcome to this horrible trip they call dementia/Alzheimers, a trip NO ONE wants to go on but we have no choice. I've been married to my best friend and lover for 57 years. Up until about 14 years, we've had an awesome marriage with a lot of laughs and great experiences and have 2 fantastic kids. Now, I can look forward to my wife not knowing me every afternoon (and sometimes mornings too). She gets very angry and even physically tries to hurt me because she doesn't know me/wants me to leave her house. (Because of our different sizes, she could never physically hurt me.) Sometimes she doesn't want me to touch her medicine because I know nothing about her medication or condition. Sometimes I can redirect/divert her attention and sometimes I ask my son or daughter to call her. She ALWAYS knows their voice and they can get her to calm down. calmed down enough to take some medicine. my respite is when she goes to Easter Seals day care during the week from 9:00 to 3:00. but what I ALWAYS think about when she doesn't know me is HOW SCARED SHE IS ....NOT KNOWING WHO THIS GREAT BIG GUY IS AND WHY IS HE IN HER HOUSE. Wouldn't you be scared to if some big person you didn't know is walking around your house?
My wife sometimes calls my phone 15- 20 times a night and leaves a message asking "when will I be home?". And she never remembers calling me.
I consider myself lucky, in that if one of us has to have this horrible fnnn disease, then it's safer for her to have it. I will ALWAYS LOVE HER because for over 40 years, she gave me her love, laughs and awesome experiences.

The doctor changed my mom from the Excelon patch to pills and upped the dose so she is going to take two doses a day. She called me 3 times yesterday, two of which were an hour apart and she asked me if she had talked to me. It is sad as she is aware that she can't remember. I try to make her laugh when she starts getting angry. She also called after I apparently fell asleep on the couch. Her voicemail asked me if she had talked to me. I did not call her back as I received it at 1:00 a.m. when I had to peel my contacts out of my eyes. I have found that I can change the direction of our conversations. I know that I must work on myself and I also have to remember, as many of you wonderful souls have said, that I don't have to answer the phone every time she calls. Part of one issue is that for 30 plus years, I was an active alcoholic/addict. That part of her that worried she was going to get a call I was dead, is still very present in her. I am now 55 and sober for 8 years and she still gets that panic if she can't reach me. I do not have children, so I don't know what that is like. She does constantly refer to me as her little baby girl (I don't like that, but I don't mention that I don't like it). She talks about what a sweet, beautiful child I was until I started drinking. I started drinking at 12 years old and in treatment at 14. There was a lot of dysfunction in my family and I think that I acted that out. She has been through a lot, as we all have, I am sure. I am going to get the book "36 hours a day" that was suggested. I have also suggested it to my brother. You all help so much. I do not feel as alone in all this. I will say that the groups on this site, that I am a part of, have and are helping me daily. I hope you feel my gratitude.

Welcome to this horrible trip they call dementia/Alzheimers, a trip NO ONE wants to go on but we have no choice. I've been married to my best friend and lover for 57 years. Up until about 14 years, we've had an awesome marriage with a lot of laughs and great experiences and have 2 fantastic kids. Now, I can look forward to my wife not knowing me every afternoon (and sometimes mornings too). She gets very angry and even physically tries to hurt me because she doesn't know me/wants me to leave her house. (Because of our different sizes, she could never physically hurt me.) Sometimes she doesn't want me to touch her medicine because I know nothing about her medication or condition. Sometimes I can redirect/divert her attention and sometimes I ask my son or daughter to call her. She ALWAYS knows their voice and they can get her to calm down. calmed down enough to take some medicine. my respite is when she goes to Easter Seals day care during the week from 9:00 to 3:00. but what I ALWAYS think about when she doesn't know me is HOW SCARED SHE IS ....NOT KNOWING WHO THIS GREAT BIG GUY IS AND WHY IS HE IN HER HOUSE. Wouldn't you be scared to if some big person you didn't know is walking around your house?
My wife sometimes calls my phone 15- 20 times a night and leaves a message asking "when will I be home?". And she never remembers calling me.
I consider myself lucky, in that if one of us has to have this horrible fnnn disease, then it's safer for her to have it. I will ALWAYS LOVE HER because for over 40 years, she gave me her love, laughs and awesome experiences.