How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?

Your sone at 25 is his own person and possibly he has not grown up yet. You need to let him hit rock bottom so he’ll get the help he needs. Until such time he”ll continue to play you and your husband unless you take a stand and say no more. If you’re not in therapy you both need it that is you and your husband. You need to develop some skills to enable you to let go. You’re not doing him any favors by allowing him to treat you harshly and stay on the phone. If he calls don’t answer and don’t let your husband play devils advocate by sharing those pics with you. You guys can be a team to save yourselves first before your son drags you both down. It’s called tuff love.

Hello. I am so sorry to hear of your pain, as well as your son's. Our son is 25 years old also and we have been to hell and back since he was 19. I highly recommend NAMI. There are 8-13 week long educational programs (depends on the chapter) as well as weekly family support meetings. Please look up in your area and see if you can attend in person and/or by Zoom. If you don't feel comfortable with your local chapter, there are many others throughout the country. I have gone through the training as well as weekly support meetings, both of which were immense help. In regards to suicidal comments, it is my personal opinion (others may have their own opinions and professionals and interventionists their own as well), that you do need to listen and take each one seriously, even if you think he is manipulating. You can urge him to call 988. NAMI will train you how to deal with those calls. I have found that sometimes I just needed to block my son at times when the calls were incessant. Even if it was just for several hours. If you think he is suicidal, call 911 or check with NAMI to see if there is a response team in your area. If he is a threat to himself, others, or expressing suicidal ideation, you can see if you can get "white papers" in your state. However, and most unfortunately, this can be very difficult to do.
If you can convince him to see another therapist or psychiatrist, remember that you can always share information with that professional even though they won't share information with you unless there is a signed HIPPA on file. And if the calls are incessant and he refuses to seek help, you can say "we love you but want to see you get help". As many times as it takes. I had to learn how to "validate" his feelings. A good book is "I'm Not Sick I Don't Need Help" by Dr. Amidor which can train you how to talk with someone who lacks insight into their mental health issues. And someone suffering from bipolar disorder can suffer from lack of insight. And remember self-care for yourself. My best wishes to you.

I'm dealing with this too and seeking help how to handle it. New to group following your post

@jenatsky
Thank you, and I did intake with a therapist today. I wish I could start immediately, but will survive for a couple weeks while i wait for the first session. Are there any good books to read in the meantime? I just have to figure out how to deal with the overwhelming fear that he really will hurt himself. And then how do we go on afterwards if he does, after yelling at us "you led me to this, you did it" (which is another thing he screamed at my husband as he was getting in his car the other night. ) I know I have unhealthy patterns and am working on it, just so confused on when i really do need to take him seriously. He told me today that even though he said he would do it the other night, he never would, he just needed me to hear how much he was hurting, and that i overreact, and should just listen and know that he will be OK. That's messed up. Maybe I do overreact, but i told him to call someone else then, because I simply can't take it if it's not real. But how do I know this isn't the time he means it? I tell you though, my body can't physically take it anymore, I do think I'm ready to finally set those boundaries and keep them because of my physical issues.

Thank you so much for checking in. We had another incident today. It was terrible, worse than the last one. He's spiraling, not going to work either suddenly. He was at our house and kept saying such mean things to my husband and I. Mostly telling us what horrible parents we are. We finally told him he had to leave, then he started screaming in our driveway. Later he called and said he was going to end it right then. I didn't even know where he was. I finally talked him down enough that he promised not to do anything tonight, but he wouldn't calm down until I said how incredibly sorry I was over and over again for not being the mother he needed, and he was able to once again tell me over and over how horrible I am. I didn't know what else to do. I know I have been a giving mother, with normal human faults, I also know that I haven't done anything that terribly wrong. Neither has my husband. But if I don't profusely apologize just for not being what he needs, he says the world is awful and he is going to end it. After he was calm we talked a little, and he said he knows he needs help and apologized, but he won't go to a counselor or psychiatrist. I don't know what to do anymore, I'll be up all night tonight and I absolutely have to work tomorrow. I tried for two hours to sleep, but just cried. I am 62, with asthma. I am worried about my health. So I am so grateful for your message, I do need to get help for myself, as I feel trapped and overwhelmed and helpless. I'm starting to believe that I am a horrible monster who caused his pain. Maybe I am. Logically I know that isn't true, my husband and my other son assure me that I was a good mother - an imperfect one at times, but mostly good and normal. But my heart is starting to believe it, and it is killing me, and I need help myself in just coping. Thank you for caring. It means a lot. I think I will go back to NAMI. I went once, years ago. I need to commit to getting help. My other son and my grandchildren need me, and I don't want to just keep crying to my husband, he is overwhelmed also, and he can't stand seeing me like this.

@jenatsky
Thank you, and I did intake with a therapist today. I wish I could start immediately, but will survive for a couple weeks while i wait for the first session. Are there any good books to read in the meantime? I just have to figure out how to deal with the overwhelming fear that he really will hurt himself. And then how do we go on afterwards if he does, after yelling at us "you led me to this, you did it" (which is another thing he screamed at my husband as he was getting in his car the other night. ) I know I have unhealthy patterns and am working on it, just so confused on when i really do need to take him seriously. He told me today that even though he said he would do it the other night, he never would, he just needed me to hear how much he was hurting, and that i overreact, and should just listen and know that he will be OK. That's messed up. Maybe I do overreact, but i told him to call someone else then, because I simply can't take it if it's not real. But how do I know this isn't the time he means it? I tell you though, my body can't physically take it anymore, I do think I'm ready to finally set those boundaries and keep them because of my physical issues.