How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Unless you live it you can’t really know what a person is going through. It’s sounds to me like he want to hurt you as though you are to blame for his mental illness. I have all of what he has as well and I would like to ask you , what has caused his PTSD as I have had a lifetime of trauma from mainly my abusive upbringing from birth - 16 when I left home. So what has caused his PTSD? Now you do not have to answer that it’s not a question. Did he have a traumatic experience somewhere along the line. These are things you need to think about and definitely set boundaries WITHOUT feeling guilty because there is nothing you can do if he REALLY wants to commit suicide you’re only postponing it and it really sounds like the anger is aimed at you personally. I am not blaming you at all, it just sounds that way. Also if he has stopped treatment what can you do. For your own sanity I would suggest that you report this to your local authorities and have him committed to hospital where he will be forced into treatment because he is a danger to himself and possibly others. It’s a tough road to travel and he may hate you for it but once he gets the proper effective treatment Will will come around. Best of luck to you and your family and I will pray for you all. God Bless!

I have a 26 year old son temporarily living with us so he can finish school. He has some history of substance abuse, but we do not think he is now. We think the main problem was self medicating due to mental illness. He was diagnosed at 19 with anxiety and depression. He has been in and out of counselors, says they don't work. He won't stay on medication, says they don't work, but really he has never given any enough of a try. When he doesn't have to be at school or work, he sleeps constantly in our basement. Or just looks at his phone. He won't help around the house, he might do a little bit, but not much. If we push at all, he starts saying life is not worth living, and he will disappear for a couple days without contact. He has never actually attempted suicide, but has had suicide ideation. He sends me cryptic texts which imply he is suicidal (like, I am having a rough go and just can't make it,) but won't respond when I call or text back. Then I am left in high anxiety for hours or days. We have encouraged (maybe too strongly) that he get help and stay with it, but he won't. The toll on me healthwise is awful (I am 63 and have stress induced asthma) and it is hurting my marriage. When I try to engage with him, he can get mean and spiteful, but only if I ask him to wake up or help out or just be with us upstairs. Otherwise he leaves me alone. Do I need more boundaries? Do I let him sleep all day in his room? He is not paying rent, as he is almost done with school, and our deal is we would let him stay free until school is done. He works parttime as he cannot totally cover tuition with his grants, although he struggles with maintaining jobs, and goes in and out of them. I am worried he may have dropped out of school, I am going to ask for proof if he is going to stay with us. But if he does have proof, do I just let go until he is done? I worry alternately that I am being too controlling, or not doing enough. I also think at times I am being manipulated, but of course I do not understand the depth of his despair in the depression. I am considering saying that he must do SOMETHING to help himself in order to stay with us, either therapy or try meds or some kind of plan, but again is that too much to demand, when he is making it to school and work (I think) at least most of the time. Any feedback/wisdom/thoughts would be so very, very appreciated, I am just lost in what the best next steps are, and so is my husband.

I should clarify that the texts, and sometimes discussions, are pretty suicidal. He says things like "there is no reason to go on, life is too hard, I can't do it." He used to hear voices telling him to kill himself, but that was when he was on cannabis, the cannabis really made him psychotic at times, including extreme alcohol - he sometimes was 3 to 4 times the legal limit (not exaggerating) and then he would truly become psychotic, even thinking my husband and I were spies or aliens. So it can get pretty bad.

@liabaabaa, you have received a lot of helpful advice from fellow members over the past year. It must be so hard to not see much change in your situation. Have you been able to put any of the tips in this thread into action?

- How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-to-set-boundaries-with-an-adult-child-who-threatens-suicide/

I'd like to add to the helpful suggestions made by others that there is professional help available to help you navigate these challenging waters. Here are a couple of places that can help you find the support you (and your husband) need to help you help your son.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) https://www.nami.org/
See the special section for family and caregivers as well as the helpline.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/
This lifeline is also for family members who want to help someone else.

Asking for help in a sign of strength. There are people who understand what you are going through and who can help your particular situation.

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a mental health challenge with your son. My experience with having mental health issues throughout my adult years since the 1970s and with suicidal ideation and attempts are not similar, yet I empathize your situation and the frustration your son is experiencing.
I’m a certified peer and family specialist for people with mental health and substance use disorders. Trauma-informed and mental health first aid trained among over a thousand hours work with people experiencing homelessness and those suffering with addictions. Recovery is possible for anyone. Supports by someone with lived experiences is evidence-based. Mental health clinics and treatment centers utilize peer recovery specialists.
I’ve seen my clients through these suicidal ideation events. The first thing I do is notify them that I am calling 911 to assist them if I have their location. Then I acknowledge their hopeless feelings to ensure they are heard.
As a parent, I have not had your experience. I have 16 hours training in Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) to help the parents of my clients learn skills to use when manipulative behaviors face them with their significant others.
You can Google CRAFT in your area or find a person who trains virtually, which I do. But I’m not accepting clients at this time.
CRAFT and Peer Recovery Supporters are invaluable to the person experiencing crisis. They are nonjudgmental, transparent, compassionate, great listeners who use their own experience to gain trust. They know how to set boundaries. They have partnerships with behavioral health professionals and technicians.
Peers can meet a client for coffee, attend doctor appointments with release of information signed by the client. That way, a peer can recall accurately what the doctor prescribes for a patient who is not always focusing during their crisis or concerns.
I believe your young man could benefit from attending a youth recovery program nearest his location. You may also benefit by dropping in the center to speak with a peer who can lead you to resources.
My prayers for you are that you will find the help you need to protect your own mental health. You are traumatized by what I see in your story. Take care of yourself first is the mantra we all need to be able to help others. Tough love is not easy as a parent choose self care. It’s a proven method. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA) is an online resource for behavioral health concerns.
Blessings and prayers sent.🙏🏼😊
You might want to consider contacting a peer support recovery center to see if a supporter can assist him.

@liabaabaa — I noticed you read and liked my post. I hope you will be able to find a recovery group in your area.
The language and perception we use can exacerbate a relationship regardless of drugs or alcohol not in the mix. View a person with schizophrenia, as an example, as “John is a person with _____.” Instead of saying ‘substance abuse’, John has a substance disorder and co-occurring mental health disorder or issues. Substance use disorders (SUDs) and Mental Health (MH) do not define a person. The word ‘alcoholic’ or ‘ substance abuser’ is stigmatization. Being aware that your significant other has a behavioral disorder can give us a sense of being more understanding of the person’s suffering. Then, we treat that person in a different manner that lessens our fears and helplessness when faced with their behavior.
For instance, if our child has a broken leg, we fuss over them and we are more patient when they are angry or sad.
CRAFT gives us a training to deal with the situation better. We can manage our boundaries better.
Your self care or lack thereof can be impacted positively or negatively. I remind my clients that they are strong because they made a call to me for help. When your son seems depressed, and we recall what triggered him, use that experience as a teachable moment for yourself. Awareness of the triggers helps us to create a response that is acceptable to the person with SUD or MH. They will begin to trust us. But, it takes practice on our part.
My daughter used to manipulate me with her verbal abuse and shouting. I later became aware of setting boundaries. As I felt less guilty of not ‘being a fixer’, I came to a place of turning the tables and no longer giving permission for her to abuse me. I ended up breaking all contacts. My husband and I grew closer. I turned her over to her own whims. She never threatened suicide, but it was my actions that gave her permission to abuse our mother/ daughter relationship. Once I had enough it brought peace to me and I stopped feeling guilty. Controlling other people’s emotions and behaviors is futile. Enabling them by not being aware of our responses can happen unintentionally.
Your son’s behavior is typical of the peers I’ve helped to accept their responsibility to ask for appropriate help. But, I would ask your son, if I was his peer supporter, “what happened to you that I should know about?” It allows him to question himself and to show my desire to listen. He needs to tell his story so he feels heard. Frustrations impede the paths toward recovery. I believe he can recover and find peace. He just needs someone whom he trusts to be willing to listen, empathize, encourage, be transparent and honest with him. A parent seldom is that motivated to care that way without training.
Sorry for the long text. It seems you might benefit from this. I pray you will soon find skills to keep your husband feeling safe and cared for despite your son’s behaviors. Take care.😊🌹

Thank you, very much. I have gotten a counselor who is experienced in this, but haven't looked into CRAFT yet, but that does sound like it would be very helpful. It is a whole different way of being a parent, I almost feel like I am reinventing myself, but not in a bad way so that is ok. My son's trauma comes from experiences outside our home, when he is calm and rational he admits to having no deep anger or resentment towards us, it's towards others, the world, his idea of God. We sure weren't perfect, but even he says (when he's in a good place) that we were not in any way abusive or traumatizing. But when he goes into a bad place, he directs that anger at us. Or goes into deep depression. I guess people would say because we are a safe place, but I think maybe we've been too safe (well, not too safe, but willing to be his punching bag.) I'm working hard on boundaries but being a loving support to him, thank you for all the kind advice. I appreciate the feedback about language

You call the EMT’s to place him in a mental hospital for his safety and to be evaluated. I was a mandatory reporter and if someone threatened suicide in any form we called the emts who brought the police with them. I would rather have them mad at me and be safe. As for other boundaries, set them and stick by them.

Right there with you, except our 32yo daughter has a 13 yo daughter and they both live with my husband and me. I run interference between my daughter and granddaughter. Granddaughter’s father is replete felon who is basically homeless. He tried several times to kill our daughter, only for one or both of them to end up incarcerated which allowed them to cool down. My husband provides 100% financial support for all 4 of us. Granddaughter’ father has no child support commitments as he is a scary dude with old head injury and cannot adequately support himself. I abuse alcohol and nicotine gum. My blood pressure is way too high for my weight and activity level. I found myself screaming 2 days ago at my daughter to STFU and called her a horrible bitch, and I ment it. My husband is making plans for himself and I to move away when Granddaughter graduates high school, and this has triggered daughter to really lose it. I think my guardian angels led me to this website!

@liabaabaa
I can relate, I am also 62yo in very similar circumstances with a beleaguered and loving husband. It’s jacked up! I love my daughter but this situation is killing me. My husband, adult son and live in granddaughter need me to keep it together. I try hard to not complain about the situation. Sometimes just acknowledging the crappy reality and being honest with myself is very comforting