Leaving memory care

@saraemma3709 We used a tactic many years ago with both my Grandma and my uncle when they were unhappy about us leaving - we would time our departure with the beginning of an activity in the common area/meal in the dining area and take them to it before saying goodbye. They were distracted by what was going on and seldom fussed. Sometimes it was as simple as pushing them near the aviary, fish tank or big screen TV where others were gathered.

My daughter was a memory care nurse, and a master of distraction. Some of her families would push their loved one near the nursing station and start a conversation between staff and the person, then step away

Maybe you could try one of these?

Thank you I usually leave when dinner time starts and take him to his table and try to get him interested in the mail. He’s still stops and says you’re not leaving not being able to care for him at home anymore. It is sad for me when he isn’t happy, life’s journey isn’t easy.

One of my mother's favorite sayings was, "A lie well told is as good as the truth." My spouse will obsess about having her stash of old coins valued and I tell her, "How about we go to a coin dealer tomorrow?" And she says, "Oh, that would be a good idea." I've said it to her many, many times.

Thank you all for your hugs and concern...we each to find our way with our love ones. To me now that he is in Memory Care and I am not able to visit him daily it is: THE LONG GOOD-BYE.

I used to "borrow" my MIL from the nursing home and take her out to lunch at her favorite park and as we were returning to the nursing home she would ask "can I go home" (she lived with us for 18 years) and I had to explain that we couldn't provide the support she needed. I cried on the way home.
now my wife is starting with Easter Seals because of her dementia. more crying because I can see her journey in the near future.

Another hard journey for you.

My husband has been in Memory Care for 2 weeks now and still acclimating. Some days he is ok with me leaving especially if there is an activity or meal. But other times he is confused or sad.
I go home in tears when he seems so down.
He is best when u visit during the day. After dinner hours there is not much for him to do and he is sundowning. I visited twice yesterday. The second time I stopped at night 7:30 and he was more confused than ever and when I left he was very sad and so was I.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I was getting no sleep for years with him up during the night and then he needed 24/7 care and was getting aggressive. We tried home care and day care and all went ok until he started declining at day care and needed more.
I am now getting sleep but I’m there everyday and I’m wondering if that’s such a good idea.
He sits for dinner with two other men and one of them never has visitors. The others wife seems to come once or twice a week.
I’m acclimating too. They say it can take 30-60 days.
I’d love to hear more on this.

Hi Mary,
I think you are doing a wonderful thing being there everyday for your husband! He needs you very much. He apparently realizes that something is wrong with him and he can't do anything about it. That's frightening for him. But he does have you and I'm sure that helps him a lot. My husband had lung cancer. He died in 2024. As he got sicker he was getting more confused and was afraid I wouldn't return even if I was just going into the other room. He was frightened because his body wasn't the same as it had always been. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that I would never leave him. He died before he would have had to go into a nursing home because he was falling a lot and I couldn't lift him. In some states, it's the law that if you fall too many times and call 911, they automatically put you in a nursing home. It happened to a friend of ours.

Be there for your husband as often as you can. Even if he gets to the point that he doesn't know who you are you will seem as a friend to him and he needs a friend now. Be grateful for the time you have together. There may come a time when you won't be visiting him anymore. I'd give anything if I could just tell my husband one more time how much I love him and hug him.

Also ask God for help and direction. He is there for us. God will be there for you and your husband. God helped me and my husband get through that awful time with lung cancer. We got a lot of prayers answered. I'll say a prayer for both of you. I wish you both the best.
Blessings,
PML

@pml Thank you for your very kind and supportive reply. God is certainly head of my team on this one..

Mary, I moved my husband to assisted living over two years ago and then to skilled care a little over a year ago. We've been married 54 years this year and I always had him with me until that first move. He has Lewy Body Dementia and his physical needs are much worse than his need for memory care. We have been on this road for 10 years. Most days he starts out fairly clear and then the confusion increases as the day goes, When he moved to AL I cried every day. Different things triggered the sense of loss and then the tears would flow. It took about 3 months for my emotions to settle down and about 6 months to actually adjust. I think he adjusted quicker than I did. Part of the adjustment is starting to find yourself again. My life still revolves around caring for my husband but I visit daily in the afternoon for an hour or two. You have to gradually find you new normal. What others do is only a hint to you of what you might do. You have to determine what you are comfortable with. Dementia is usually a long road and what you do now will probably change in the future. What I found was that if I was going to advocate for and care for my husband, I have to have a life where I do things that I like to do and need to do for my well-being and mental health. Good luck to you and remember to give yourself Grace in your process.