Anger. Guilt. Anger….cycle

Hi Dollyme!
I certainly understand why your mother and step-mother are in facilities. I put my mother, diagnosed with Alzheimer's, in a nursing home after she broke her hip. She was nearby and I was able to visit her almost every day until her death 2 years later.
But it's different with my husband of 50 years, who has always taken care of his family and the house. I have only noticed his decline the last few years, and he was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, probably Lewy Body or a mix of Alzheimer's and Lewy Body. We have an appointment at Mayo Clinic to perhaps get a more precise diagnosis and treatment. Right now he uses Rivastigmine patches. So far he takes care of his own hygiene. Some days he is able to function pretty well, some days he is more confused than others.
So we'll just muddle along as best we can until some event causes us to make a different decision. I'm grateful for the support from these Mayo Clinic newsletters.

I understand and empathize with those who keep their LO's at home to care give for.

Me, I cannot do this, I am one of those people who feel that I am still entitled to a life and intend to live it.

I have 2 in facilities, one in MC the other in AL in the same home. My brother & I care for them, we are just not on top of each other.

They are well cared for, fortunately they both planned for this monetarily. My mother is 98 and in AL, my step mother is 85 and in MC. My mother loves it, enjoying her last years with others, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her. My stepmother at this point doesn't even know where she is.

We each chose our own path in life, all one can do is roll with it. Some 50% (taken from aging care.com) of home caregivers die before the LO they cared for, that tells me a lot about the stress and strain involved in choosing to do this.

I wish all of you home caregivers the very best, remember to take care of you!

I agree with you, Dollyme. My wife isn't very impaired -- just enough that she wanted me to stay at home with her literally all the time, because she'd become very anxious about where I went, even if I told her and allowed her to call me by cell phone. I'd get questions about how long I was going to be gone, what time I'd be back, can I go there tomorrow, and would get phone calls telling me that she just liked to hear the sound of my voice. She became unable or unwilling to help out at home, and in her free time, would fall asleep in a recliner, while not sleeping well at night, so I had nobody to talk to. I am 11 years younger than my wife (66 and 78, respectively), and felt that I still had energy and wanted to travel, interact with others, and volunteer in the community. I placed her in a memory care facility of her choosing, and I won't say it has been totally successful, because she doesn't interact with others there and doesn't participate in group activities. Her personal hygiene has taken a nosedive to the extent that I don't like to be near her (I'm working on this), and when I ask her about showering and washing her hair, changing her clothes, etc. She'll say she knows she should do it, but then doesn't. I may have made some headway by offering to shampoo her hair myself, to which she agreed...but we haven't had our first attempt at this yet. I get into the guilt cycle, because the physical environment is so much nicer at home than at the memory care facility, but I really don't want her living here for the reasons stated above. Sometimes I feel like a bad or selfish person for lowering her standard of living, but it hasn't been much more successful from my side, as I get lonely and have to take care of everything household-related as well as everything facility-related. I'm trying to make new friends and go out more, but it's not happening as often as I would like.

I agree with you, Dollyme. My wife isn't very impaired -- just enough that she wanted me to stay at home with her literally all the time, because she'd become very anxious about where I went, even if I told her and allowed her to call me by cell phone. I'd get questions about how long I was going to be gone, what time I'd be back, can I go there tomorrow, and would get phone calls telling me that she just liked to hear the sound of my voice. She became unable or unwilling to help out at home, and in her free time, would fall asleep in a recliner, while not sleeping well at night, so I had nobody to talk to. I am 11 years younger than my wife (66 and 78, respectively), and felt that I still had energy and wanted to travel, interact with others, and volunteer in the community. I placed her in a memory care facility of her choosing, and I won't say it has been totally successful, because she doesn't interact with others there and doesn't participate in group activities. Her personal hygiene has taken a nosedive to the extent that I don't like to be near her (I'm working on this), and when I ask her about showering and washing her hair, changing her clothes, etc. She'll say she knows she should do it, but then doesn't. I may have made some headway by offering to shampoo her hair myself, to which she agreed...but we haven't had our first attempt at this yet. I get into the guilt cycle, because the physical environment is so much nicer at home than at the memory care facility, but I really don't want her living here for the reasons stated above. Sometimes I feel like a bad or selfish person for lowering her standard of living, but it hasn't been much more successful from my side, as I get lonely and have to take care of everything household-related as well as everything facility-related. I'm trying to make new friends and go out more, but it's not happening as often as I would like.

@fleetwoodiv I've come to the conclusion in my mind, that we shouldn't feel bad whatever decision we have to make. We're only human, and every human and their capacity for caregiving, and accepting what is and what will be, is different. I talked with my husband about his MCI, and what if and when it progresses, and if I can't provide the level of care he will need. Sometimes doing what's right feels so wrong - especially if we have to put them in a facility to give them the socialization and/or stepped-up care they need, while making sure as a caregiver, we love and care for ourselves. I'm going to do everything in my power to take care of my husband as long as I can. But I realize if I can't any longer, I need to do what's right by both of us. I don't think you've lowered your wife's standard of living. You've just taken what was and made it a new "what is," based on your situation. Courage to make the tough decisions we have to now make, clarity to figure out what we need to do even if it doesn't feel like the right alternative, at that time, and God's light with your wife every day and with you, and all of us as caregivers, as we go through this new, and every-changing normal. Best,

@kjc48 In Washington State a reputable care center is about $15,000 a month with no help unless you’re on Medicaid. Care help here is only for the very rich or very poor.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself anymore.

Extremely hard!