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MCI/early Alzheimers
First, I want to say how much I appreciate this group. It is always a comfort to read the stories here. It makes me feel not so alone. My husband has been diagnosed with MCI due to Alzheimers. His abilities are starting to decline and he has almost no immediate memory. He will ask me over and over the same things 3 or 4 times in 15 minutes. He is still driving and doing okay with that locally, although he does sometimes get lost now even going to familiar places. My biggest problem is he still thinks he can do everything he has always done. He does not realize how confused he gets. He could not really live alone anymore. How do you help a person understand that they need help. He wants to take a trip to meet someone to fish and the drive would be 3 hours. I am still working and unable to go. When I told him I did not think it was a good idea he got very angry and suggested I stop telling him what to do. Then he said I could just leave. The other day he wanted to fix the electrical part of the garage door opener and since it was dealing with electricity, I told him I thought we should get an electrician to do it. This is something he could have formerly done. He asked me if I thought he was an idiot and blew up about that. I can answer questions all day and listen to the same stories over and over, but I do not know how to handle his anger and keeping him safe. I would appreciate any suggestions.
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Willow
I feel your pain.
I have faced similar issues with my spouse. Driving: can you call whoever gave him the diagnosis and suggest that physician ( I am assuming it was a physician) tell your husband he/she is concerned about his driving and wants him to take a driving test?
My husband has progressed from MCI to dementia over a 3-4 year periods his doctor prescribed a driving test. He failed it.
If a third party is giving him the “bad news” perhaps he won’t get so angry with you
Speaking of anger, my husband’s personality changed about 7 years ago and we tried counseling and it did nothing. He started seeing a neurologist who diagnosed him with MCI.
His anger and hostility was so unbearable towards me that at time I thought I would literally drop dead from the stress . He would growl at me. Accuse me of things . Constantly was mean and nasty. He said he did not want to “talk about it”.
We discussed splitting up. And then I left. It was the saddest day of my life. I had to save myself . It has been over a year and he is living in an adult community that provides all levels of care. His personality has once again changed and now he is rarely mean to me. We continue to remain married but live apart . My point is that there are all kinds of ways to cope with this beast of a disease that ruined my marriage. I oversea his medical care and he will soon move into assisted living. I had to take care of of myself before I could take care of him. He is 13 years older than me and I am committed to “walking him home”. I will be at his side thru this hard journey.
I do not recommend leaving; what I did was out of complete desperation. But there are other ways to give your some space. And remember it is the disease that is making your husband think he can do things that are so unrealistic.
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2 ReactionsWillow, it sounds like you are in my house living my life. My husband also has MCI and is having trouble following processes. He used to do everything around the house and still wants to. He thinks nothing is wrong. In the last three weeks we have had discussions (lol) because he wants to replace the grout in our marble floor bathroom and we don't have any replacement tiles left ... he wants to put the summer tires on our family vehicle and yesterday he wanted to install a reverse osmosis water tank under our sink. I'm always the bad guy when I suggest we get a professional in. He also gets angry, frustrated and threatens to move out or leave, most times he doesn't get his way. I too am having trouble not taking it personally but I have found if I distract him or give it 24 hours, he forgets we ever had words. It's a bit like having a very large toddler around right now. I find that having a counsellor and a good support group of family and friends helps me navigate it. When I talk it through with someone outside the home, I realize that it's not all me, it's the disease. Best of luck to you. Hugs.
@willow8 For repairs, I employ the same strategy recommended by @kjc48; namely, I just schedule a service call with a Technician or Handyman and tell my husband shortly before that individual arrives that he/she will be there to assess the problem and hopefully to fix it. If my husband objects, I tell him that he and I discussed it and he agreed that having a professional in to do the repair is the best course of action. Now sometimes we have discussed it and sometimes not but he will rarely push back because he can’t remember if he agreed or not! One silver lining that this terrible disease affords us!
@alwayda Ah, the power of us women caregivers! With the courage to know what to do, the clarity to just go do it, and God's light shining down on us to help lead our way. I draw strength to get me through the day and all these decisions................Best, (thanks for sharing)
@kjc48 Our Couples Counselor calls work-arounds like these “therapeutic fiblets!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 At first it really bothered me to mislead my husband this way because we had always been totally honest with each other in our relationship. BUT as my focus shifted to keeping both of us safe and my husband as calm and content as possible, it became clear that I had to take home maintenance and repair tasks out of his hands…..and this was the easiest, least stressful way to do it. Now it can at times be a bit disconcerting when I realize how proficient I have become in addressing issues this way. 😢 But we do what we have to do, right?