How to help with spouse's boredom?

Hello @anna8 … thank you for your post today. It resonates with me greatly. My husband is beginning 8 years following his original diagnosis of MCI which transitioned to Dementia due to Alzheimer’s 4 yrs ago. Similar to your husband, mine has almost no hobbies or interests still available to him due to his symptoms. He has gait issues resulting in a walk no further than 3-4 houses down the street, has had many falls, reads the WSJ daily but I suspect now understands little and literally retains nothing, isn’t interested in puzzles, games, etc. our conversations are me talking and him listening but no interaction. I can go on and on with details … but I’ll spare you. Just 2 months ago I knew I had to make at least a very small change in our routine because I began to feel trapped and losing hope of anything to look forward to. I enrolled him in a 5 hour day care class 1 day a week sponsored by our local commission on the aging. I was upbeat about everything thing I communicated to him, including calling it an enrichment group. He typically makes 1 small comment each week indicating he isn’t thrilled with going but I reframe this by saying they count on him etc. I’ve started having caregivers come occasionally when I meet girlfriends for dinner. He can no longer be alone once sundowning begins about 4 pm. I wanted to give them ideas about things to do with him but I’m at a loss. Anyway, I say all this to encourage you about a daycare program. I’ve noticed that every time I pick my husband up to go home he is animated, talking with other attendees (the class size is between 5-7 which I think is perfect) and even says something witty! I’ve had 5 hours to be in my own home alone - yippee! … In a few weeks I’m going on a girls trip by car 5 hours away for 2 nights. First time in years without my husband. I need that too! It’s taken a lot of organizing to get to this point of having hope and optimism that I haven’t totally lost my own life. The effort has definitely caused me some anxiety along the way, but no one else is in our lives to relieve me of full time caregiving. Beginning year 8 has me worn down and wondering how long ? Hope this helps you.
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Wow … scary events. My husband’s sundowners means increased confusion and thankfully no waundering or ill temper…so far. Thank you for taking the time to send me this information and I will keep it for possible future needs. Today was an especially emotional day 🥲. I tried so patiently and kindly to solicit his thoughts about what makes him happy, what sort of things could we or he be doing that bring purpose or enjoyment but he’s beyond any introspection…for the first time I actually got the notion that he has no feelings for me outside of appreciation when I cook or bandage the wounds from his fall. Of course intermittent appreciation is something! If I’m honest I find it hard to feel warm feelings myself. And there we are … so sad. More alone than when I was single.

To anna8 My husband used to be an active Bridge player, golfer, hiker, wood worker and could usually find things to entertain himself. That was before his dementia. Now he is content to sleep all day. He will watch the baseball games with me sometimes for about 30 minutes, then he is over it and wants to go back to bed. He has chronic back pain and sitting or walking for too long is painful for him.
After reading your posting about your spouse's boredom, I began wondering, if what looks like boredom to us is actually the loss of the ability to "engage" in activities. The brain skills for that may be greatly diminished or not there anymore. Are we wanting them to do what they are no longer capable of doing? Is he saying that he is bored? or is that our assessment? One of the things that happens with dementia is that because the person cannot remember what you say to them, they can't remember that you said where you are going to be if you leave the room. And because you represent safety and stability to them, they get anxious when you are not with them. They follow you around to keep you in sight. This is called "shadowing." I have found that reflecting back to them what they are concerned about, giving reassurance that you will always see to his needs and then redirecting him to another subject can be helpful. This is a tough road you are on with your husband. I have been on this road for five years now. The one thing that has helped me understand and cope with this challenge is learning all I can about dementia. Knowledge is power. If you can recognize the changes you are seeing in him and if you can anticipate what is coming down the road, I think you will be less fearful and frustrated going forward. I took four online, live courses on dementia, dementia care and most important caring for ourselves as caregivers. I learned to recognize the emotions I was/am feeling and how to deal with them. If you are interested in this go to Teepa Snow's website "Positive Approach to Care" Remember you are not alone and you can vent on this site anytime 24/7.

Wow … scary events. My husband’s sundowners means increased confusion and thankfully no waundering or ill temper…so far. Thank you for taking the time to send me this information and I will keep it for possible future needs. Today was an especially emotional day 🥲. I tried so patiently and kindly to solicit his thoughts about what makes him happy, what sort of things could we or he be doing that bring purpose or enjoyment but he’s beyond any introspection…for the first time I actually got the notion that he has no feelings for me outside of appreciation when I cook or bandage the wounds from his fall. Of course intermittent appreciation is something! If I’m honest I find it hard to feel warm feelings myself. And there we are … so sad. More alone than when I was single.