Telling 86 year old sister she has to remain at nursing home

annieb31, oh, painful. Do you think she is unhappy in the nursing home, longing for the familiarity of the other facility, or having memory issues. It's nice that your sister is close and that you visit, but do you think the move was in your sister's best interest.

Dear @annieb31

You can try simply not telling her that. I saw this work.

My husband was in a memory care facility for 3 moths when I was ill last year. A new lady, highly functional, arrived as a resident. Every day she would pack her things in bags or a box and wait for her sister to come pick her up. She would ask the staff for status updates on the sister's arrival-- sometimes hourly. She was quite unsettled and unhappy that the staff was not more helpful at getting her sister there. I brought my husband home, but through another resident's spouse, I leaned that that pattern had stopped. One day, I went with my husband to visit the people there at the facility and encountered that lady. She had positive things to say about the facility and the staff!

I hope that this approach works with your sister. I know that it is heartbreaking to think of her being unhappy there and waiting in vain for a bus. It would be great if you could redirect your concern into making her space and experience there as positive as possible.

A few ideas that I implemented when my husband was there.

- Bought the least expensive Echo speaker (which connects to your Amazon account)and gave the staff the list of our Pandora "stations" to play for him

- Bought an electronic cat that I would turn on when I was there.

- I know that a very huggable teddy bear ( Brand: Gund) that I gave to a friend's mother was a big hit. She held it all the time.

- Taking books that the staff or volunteers or you can read to your sister (and possibly other residents) during recreation time. Funny short stories, inspirational or fun poetry, etc, Books with photos and descriptions ( look for used coffee table books.some children's books.

- I befriended the staff. Learn about them and let them know as much about your sister as possible-- highlights of her life, things she really likes, foods that she likes, TV shows she likes. etc. -- so that they can reinforce her identity and provide her with moments of joy as often as possible.

- In general,be relentlessly positive about the facility. That may well register with your sister and help her accept her new home.

I hope that she can lives in peace and comfort there soon. You are clearly a loving sister and that is worth so much.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has given me hope and patience to make these visits with my sister less saddening.
I was hoping I could grant her the wishes of returning to the assisted living facility but the level of care she needs now is beyond what they can provide.
I will try your suggestions, thank you so much for your input in this matter.
Really appreciated

Hi, if your sister is still comprehending speech, you could read her this message I copied from this site, but just switch out some of the words to fit your situation:

Mom,
We love you.
We are only acting out of love.
You have Alzheimer’s, a form of dementia.
Your short term memory is about 5 minutes.
You were not eating, drinking water or taking your medications downstairs.
You fell many times and had to go to the hospital.
We can no longer provide the level of care and attention that you require.
We moved you to the memory floor.
There are professionals and an increased staff here to help.
They will give you better care and attention than we can.
We feel that this was the best way for you to get better.
You can’t remember or understand how much help you actually need.
We know you don’t agree with this decision.
We discussed this with you before you were moved.
It was a very difficult and painful decision.
We are just as upset about this as you are.
Remember this.
You will always be loved.