MCI/early Alzheimers

You poor girl- im in about the same boat with m6 husband right now…except i have no formal dianisis- i wish 8 knew the answers you are looking for— its hard to keep the, safe when they think they are fine but arent. I wish younthe best and look forward to everyones commemts- sincerely becca

Sorry about my auto correct!

@willow8 You will never be able to make him understand that he needs help with stuff. All you can do is subtly offer your help in a circumstance. Get used to grouchy, self deprecating resistance to so many things... It is tricky to transition to getting them to allow outsiders to repair things that they cannot repair any longer, just try to ease into the positive ways that someone who has professional knowledge could get it done in a shorter period of time, and maybe age plays into the repair (not dementia) and that this particular repair is more dangerous than other repairs...
The anger is his frustration with the disease and his lack of the understanding that he used to enjoy. You will have to grow thicker skin, unfortunately, and just try to not engage with him when he's yelling at you, (easier said than done).
I don't know what to tell you about the 3 hour drive he wants to do alone. My husband still drives, also, and gets confused sometimes. He knows he can't drive long distance or on freeways because we've eased him into that knowledge over some time. I'm really uncomfortable with him driving, as it is a dangerous liability, and one that I am dreading to delve into. His car is suddenly on the fritz this weekend and I'm thinking that this could be a Godsend, but we'll see.
That's my 2 cents for the day. I wish you luck and peace.

@willow8 I just thought of something I didn’t realize that I do, when I was responding earlier. When I’m trying to convince him of something we need to do or get, I talk a little excitedly to him about new aspects or ideas of the project/purchase. And make like we’ve been on board/excited together trying to sort it out. Sometimes it helps. 🤷‍♀️

If your husband gets as confused as you say, for his sake and others, he does not need to be driving. If he were to be in an accident and cause harm to someone you would be facing huge liability issues and could lose everything you have. It’s hard to make them realize they should not be driving any longer, but please talk with your doctor and have him make the recommendation and then follow through. My husband was not happy about giving up his keys but it certainly gave me peace. The first few years after my husband was diagnosed he went through the same anger issues you mention. He has always been the kind of man who could do anything, and when more and more he realized he was losing that ability, that he couldn’t get things done correctly or kept losing every tool he needed to get the job done, he would just blow up and naturally I would be in the path of his storm. He threatened to leave me many times because he felt he was no longer needed in our home. It was, and still can be, a very hard time. I miss the man he was so much. He has pretty much quit trying to repair things and my son tries to step in and help when he can or we call a repairman. You will find that as your husband’s disease progresses these trying times will pass, however, there will be new issues to face. There are so many here on Mayo Connect that can help you to understand and deal with what you are facing…please continue to follow and reach out. That’s what it is all about…helping each other and our loved ones get through this horrible disease one day at a time.

@willow8 I've been up against the anger issues a few times now. My husband also has MCI diagnosed last summer. Short memory loss, has difficult sequencing things. does ask me the same questions over and over or will tell me something we already discussed. As for fixing things in our house, I would just call and get an electrician. Don't give him time to respond or try to do anything. And if he gets angry, just tell him you love him, and you thought it would be easier on you both to have a certified contractor take care of it because you worry about it being electrical related. Put it back on you, and your worry, not them and the fact that they can't or shouldn't do. As for driving three hours to see a friend, that's a no-go, and I'm not sure how you can handle that unless he has a local buddy who can go with him, that you trust. Perhaps, there's a local fishing club you both can join, so he can establish some friends locally that way. I know all of this is hard, because, once they lock in, and get used to a routine, that's the only routine they want, such as his three hours' away fishing buddy. Or maybe you can get the fishing buddy to come see him. My husband is still driving short distances, but I'm always with him on longer trips. My husband was a retired technology executive, who ended up in retirement a fishing charter captain, and caught 900 pound tuna. Now, he stands in the back of the house we're renting and takes his fishing rod and tries to catch a mullet in the water. It's all so sad to see life the way we knew it, disappear, but we're alive, they are still with us, and we love them and want to do everything in our power to preserve whatever memory and time they have.
We just need the courage to face the day, and any situation we're dealing with; clarity to know what to do and what to say, and God's light shining down to help lead our way. Best,

Willow, as one who has just experienced six years of caring for a loved one suffering with this terrible disease (dementia), I don't know how to begin, other than to say, my thoughts are with you. First, you are doing the right thing by asking questions of those who have been there - you have already been given some good advice.
There are also other sources to investigate. Try your State, County and local aging care agencies, they may have hot lines available. The Alzheimer's Association does provide advice 24/7 on a hot line. There is a book that I found very helpful, a lot of good tips as to changing the subject and subjects to avoid, etc. "The 36 Hour Day". It also may help you to understand and prepare you to be more understanding and able to handle the various phases of this disease your husband will probably encounter as it progresses.
Be sure to take care of yourself, accept any and all assistance you may be offered, from friends and family - You might want to get some professional advice as to the driving question, your doctor maybe - that is one I had no problem with, my wife gave up driving without question.
All the best to you, stay strong, don't argue, agree, deflect, suggest alternative means of doing things, change the subject - whatever it takes to avoid conflict will be best for both of you.

@willow8, Sadly, I do not have any suggestions….as we are about at the same point you are in this journey with no map or GPS. I could have written almost everything you did.

I will read all the helpful comments you’ve received and will receive. This is such a caring and supportive group. Best wishes!

Unfortunately there is no way to make him understand. He lacks insight into his limitations. My wife with several years of MCI can still drive a short distance to her beauty salon about onece a month and never gets lost (it is close). But I would not trust her to drive on an Interstate (or any) highway. She has no idea how to access GPS on her phone, and even if I did it for her, if anything went wrong, she would be unable to access it on her own. But fortunately she is too fearful to want to drive anywhere else (has some insight). I would not allow your husband to attempt a 3 hour drive even with GPS due to risk of accident (liability) and high probablility of getting lost.

Willow, as others have said, driving is a huge issue for folks diagnosed with dementia. Luckily for us, my husband recognized he was no longer cognitively able to safely drive and gave it up on his own. (The physical ability stays with us, like being able to ride a bike after many years of not doing so.)
Regarding your husband. is there any way to disable the car shortly before his trip so that it can't be fixed in time. Or hide his keys so they're "lost"? These are actually two techniques my husband used with his own mother when she had Alzheimers!
I'd also suggest looping in his fishing buddy to the situation. Maybe he can make an excuse to cancel the planned trip and later travel to see your husband?