Spouse becoming less supportive?

@briang1958
I spent 50 years in Computers. Did programming and managed a large multiple mainframe Data center Resolving troubles and writing operating system software. In 1984 my company put a 4800 baud modem in my house with its own phone line and gave me a 32 line terminal so that I could reboot one of the $6 million servers we had to test operating system changes from my house. After 25 years I started and ran a consulting company for 25 years. I got paid really well by Microsoft to help when windows 95 came out and they started MSN, That lasted for five years while I was running my consulting business during the day Working with almost 100 companies doing everything for them from install installing servers, workstation, troubleshooting network problems, software issues, doing everything.

I’ve had prostate cancer for 16 years. The first few years I was really concerned about what was going on, but after surgery things seemed OK for 3 1/2 years and after radiation, they seemed OK for a couple of years. I’ve had four reoccurrences and I’m not depressed or anguished in any way about it. What happens happens?. They’re still treatments ahead of me even though I’ve had multiple treatments. My father died from prostate cancer, but the new drugs that have been coming out with, and that seem to come out regularly. Keep me hopeful that this is still a chronic disease for almost all of us. On top of all this, I found out I had BRCA2 six years ago, which explains why it keeps coming back, And will keep coming back unless they get a crisper fix.

Maybe you don’t consider me an engineer, but I always had a mindset to be able to troubleshoot software and hardware issues. It’s a very profitable business if you’re good at it. You just have to live life and not be concerned about the fact that the cancer comes back and you have to go on a different treatment.

I don’t feel any of those feelings that you’ve described in that long list. I’ve had a successful life and I like helping people with information about what treatments are available.

Nowadays, I troubleshoot my wife’s computer Problems, And my own, There’s always a challenge. Had a neighbor call me and ask for help with their computer last month. I don’t do things like that often but they were so happy I got things working again, gives a feeling of satisfaction for me too.

Find yourself something that you can participate in that makes you feel productive and Useful, that can ameliorate a lot of those problems you list. Prostate cancer isn’t your life it’s just one of the things in your life

Interesting replies indeed.

I guess I had assumed that being a eunuch gave me some freedom to make new friends of either sex.

I think what I object to the most is her carpet bomb approach, which has eliminated many activities that gave me peace.

And by the way, some of my new friends that she doesn't like are male.

We (spouse and I) are spending lots more time together, but I'm always nervous that she might cause a public scene in front of my new friends.

I did see a counselor a couple of years ago for a few months, but she said I was doing much better than your average Joe with incurable cancer, and that I didn't need counseling. But that was before I found my new musician friends.

I had no idea music could be so divisive.

And thanks again for all the replies. All are valid, and give me lots to think about.

I know or hope - that you are aware that your wife is on this cancer journey with you. You don't mention your age, with an assumption of a normal lifespan, but your wife has been rocked with the knowledge that your cancer came, and came sooner than anyone is ever ready if/when it happens. She has no doubt imagined your suffering, your final hospitalization, your death, and your funeral, and her fear of being alone for the rest of her life...for the man that she would hope to say would outlive her so she doesn't have to suffer your loss.
So I ask...have you talked a lot about it? Have you sought counseling/therapy that can get her to open up to what she is feeling in great detail? Your ability to understand only comes from her sharing in a safe and trusting space with you. Yes...it would be easy to say "Ya, but what about me...I am the one with the cancer." But believe me, she may not have the cancer, but she is silently suffering, and it may be coming out in unexpected ways. You mention a new group of friends to include singing with other women. You have to remember that she is facing losing you...her life partner husband...and you are choosing to form a new social group and establish some form of relationship with one or more women, who your wife can only logically see as a threat. She is in the midst of getting her head around you and your cancer, and losing you, and now suddenly you, in the name of "peace", have established a new life and relationships that exclude her. So...
How about asking your wife to join you, whether she sings or plays an instrument or not. Let her continue to be a part of your life in everything you do. She has no control over your cancer and when it might take you from her, so let her stay close...give her some sense that you are still 100% "with her" and want her in every aspect of your life. She deserves that...you owe it to her as your commitment to her.
When I was a teenager, a good friend of our family had a heart attack that nearly killed him. Upon his recovery and return home from the hospital, he promptly announced that to his wife that he wanted a divorce so he could start a new life with new interests that he knew ("assumed") she would never be a part of. It devastated his wife and two late-teen daughters. Just when the wife thought she had a blessing from God who preserved her husband's life, he up and left her and their daughters. That may have been something he felt he wanted to do, but he never considered exploring and doing those new interests by staying married and seeing whether or not the wife and daughters might want to be part of all the new things he wanted to do. He died a few years later as a single man, with no questions answered for his wife and daughters. To this day, they probably suffer from his selfishness. "Don't be that guy." It is OK to have a new life, but bring your wife into that new life. Hold her hand when you aren't singing or playing an instrument. Connect her to your new friends through her inclusion in your conversations. You and she will rest easier for it. Good luck to you.

I’m sorry to hear of this situation with your wife. Have no idea if it applies here but there is something called “emotional infidelity” which is an intimate relationship of a spouse with someone outside the marriage but there is no physical intimacy. This can happen in different ways but for me it was when I found out my husband was talking frequently about his marriage difficulties with some random woman I didn’t even know. I was absolutely crushed and after the fact my husband was mortified he had hurt me so deeply. Anyway, FWIW men and women can be very territorial and I think that’s a natural thing.

@ucla2025 Well said!! Sometimes it just comes down to our lizard brains and protecting our turf.
Phil

@heavyphil Yes, that and the idea that your life partner is meant to be your *first* stop for seeking comfort or sharing any news, good or bad.

If someone else displaces you as your partner's "tier 1 support" (as they'd say in tech), then there might be a serious problem, regardless of whether or not there's sexual infidelity.

Some of the posts in this topic are heartbreaking - I’m terribly sorry what some folks on here are going through at home.

I’ve been very fortunate with my wife, I think. She’s had a lot of health issues over her life, and I’ve seen her through most of them, so when I got my diagnosis, she squared her shoulders, set her jaw, and has been in my corner ever since. My turn, I suppose.

I think part of it is she feels like she has to. I’m not a details person, I’m never going to spend hours on research, I’m never going to remember what 3+4 versus 4+3 means.

I’m a big picture sort of a person, she’s the details one, so she attacks that stuff with relish, and I sometimes have to remind her that I’m ok with being Man with Cancer, but I don’t want to be Cancer Man, meaning cancer isn’t who I am, it’s just a thing I have, one aspect about me.

Onto the other…my wife can also be rather jealous, coupled with my personality trait of gravitating towards women as friends. Also, I spent many years as a working musician, so I’m familiar with the environment and how it can stoke jealousy, especially in a non-performing partner. It’s a part of one person’s world that the other isn’t involved in.

My wife and I just worked through it over time. She trusts me (“It’s them I don’t trust!” 😆 ), I trust her, and we both make sure the other knows they’re first priority. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still occasionally get the, “Do I need to be worried about her? 🤨 ” look, but the fact that I don’t hide anything or go anywhere she’s not aware of helps.

Sex…whoo-boy, everyone’s favorite topic. Lack of P-in-V sex isn’t a killer right now. We’ve been through health-related sabbaticals in the past, so this is just the latest. Besides, there are other ways to be physically intimate, so I strongly suggest if sexual intimacy is a priority with anyone and they’re losing that, please explore those options. Talk about it, laugh about it, make mistakes together, figure out what’s works for you both, and yes, as others have said, couples counseling can really help in this area.

@northoftheborder Watching Netflix last night and a trailer for some new series popped up; I forget what it was but there was a line spoken by the lead character: ‘What do you do when you finally realize that you married the wrong person?” It does happen, which is why the divorce rate is so freakin high (like 50%).
Many times it’s just life’s struggles that get in the way of that original bliss…but for many those ‘irreconcilable differences’ are just too big a hurdle to overcome.
How can you love another person if you’ve discovered that you don’t even like them?
Phil
Phil

Less supportive? Sounds more like very controlling. She needs to allow you to be yourself, especially when coping with your PC and all that comes with it, rather than just solely paying attention to her own issues. In my opinion, she is being totally unfair.