96 YO Mother fall questions

@woojr I see no bullying or wanting to control your mother. Sharing that you are looking out for your mother and want to protect her from the precipice that she seems to not notice is a caring act. I’ve been there. It is incredibly difficult to do nothing when you see what’s coming.
But, I’ve also seen what happens when you try to protect someone against their wishes. My mom was put in assisted living by my siblings. She was only somewhat frail at 88, cognitive level of a 60 yo, She died of “failure to thrive” the assisted living life drove her into depression and she gave up.
My mother-in-law, living alone, did have some falls. We only found out about after she laid on the floor for half the night. It evidently hadn’t happened too often, she insisted she wanted to stay at home. Not long after she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away during follow up rehab. I believe she was happiest at home, and I’m happy she was able to live there even though the concern of a fall was upsetting.
We cared for my husband’s widowed aunt. In another state, living alone. She kept falling out of her wheelchair. We moved her to be near us as travel costs were outrageous to keep assisting her. We searched for a beautiful assisted living facility, moved her, she hated it. Moved her to a place of her choice, but I don’t think she was ever happy again until she passed away.
My belief now, is that if an elder person states that they understand that a fall may precipitate end of life, and they choose quality of life over a long life, then so be it.

@edsutton
I don't see this as a bully/ master manipulator vs caregiver/slave issue. I read the original post as a proud and stubborn woman who doesn't want to give in to her aging issues and lose her independence. That is quite understandable although taken to an extreme in this case. Not everyone ages gracefully and accepts their limitations with a smile on their face.

I don't know the ultimate truth of Woojr's family. Even if I were there observing, I might not be able to discern clarity through the complexity that arises when people are in power struggles.

At 76 years old I still work internally on my desire to control other people an my fear of being controlled! And sometimes I express it externally...darn.

I know families who are very tolerant, caring and honest, who deal with crises very easily.
And there are families in permanent deadlock.

When I stop trying to control others and just work on my own business I usually enjoy myself and get something done!

@judithsmiles I've been away for a while. I read through the replies and this one really jumps out at me. Mom has never had any fear of risks. I think she's been going down the basement steps even though she denies it. It'll surely be a major injury if not fatal. Several of her now deceased friends had serious falls, including down the cellar steps. She says quite simply "it'll never happen to me." And she believes it because she's also lucky as hell.

So your recommendation to respect her preferences is moot at this time. I really have no influence over what she does. She's threatened to remove me from her will which we can't find. I've talked about the scams where she hated me because I brought the police into the scam to investigate. Mom refused to say anything to them. She blamed me for losing millions of dollars from a Publishers Clearing House scam. She falls back into that mindset at the drop of a hat.
We're having issues now from the physical therapy group. Her therapist wants her to see the family doctor because they started taking BP readings before therapy. They also eased up on some exercises. Mom gets a lot out of therapy. She loves the therapist. She called a minute ago leaving a message that Mom needs to see her doctor about her BP. Her cardiologist has adjusted her meds and has declared it's not going to get any better. Meanwhile Mom's been searching online and decided she's not going to take one of the meds because it's bad for her kidneys. We've tried to get her to understand her high BP untreated will cause worse problems, like a stroke (which she had about ten years ago) as well as other damage.
Her pacemaker is ten years old next month. She's blaming everything that makes her feel old and tired on the pacemaker needing a new battery. All the tests indicate the battery is good and they've told her she's fine. Now she's worried about that. She's back online. Not my idea. I refused to buy her a new computer last winter because she searches for everything to stop taking her meds. Her younger friend bought her new computer and her neighbor installed it. Within a week all sorts of magic pills to cure everything started showing up in the mail. Now they're showing up in the trash. $40-$60 a bottle. Her bloodwork shows the itching and rash are coming from something she's been ingesting (DRS agreed). She still takes supplements that are above what's recommended.
Any questions why I just sit back and wait. I don't know if she'll get worse, I'm just trying to be there when I should.
Finally today, she doesn't realize she's into the end of life, she's doing what she's always done... work, cook, pray the same as the lsat 90 something years.
Then there's the itchy back and rashes. Dermatologist

@kjoed53
I see her as ageing with grace.

@woojr I have utmost respect and admiration for you and your interactions with your mother. Just trying to be there when you should is all you can do. Sounds like you have a history of having to problem solve and pick up the pieces.

When my mother died, I found boxes of supplements and a whole closet full as well. She had been following the health newsletters of multiple quacks.

I am now in my 80s and as my aches and pains increase, I have a better understanding of why people get hooked on the promise or at least the hope that the next supplement is the answer.

You have my respect. May you experience peace.

@judithsmiles Thank you for the kind words, they do make a difference. Mom just called a few minutes ago. She said she couldn't sleep last night and it was caused by something she was reading. She claims it's a lack of oxygen. She has two or three O2 checkers, the kind you put on your finger tip. In the ten years I've followed her doctor appts she's never never been lower than 98% and usually 99%. She was calling to have me order "Bladder Assist", a supplement that I'm certain she has no idea what's in it. I have this duty because she's had difficulty placing online orders and was blaming her neighbors for stealing them. Not a good situation.

As for aches and pains, I'll be 74 soon and have had many surgeries. I had pain management yesterday for arthritis joint pain and for decades of back pain from failed surgeries. This past winter was the worst. We used to go to Florida for a couple months every winter until mom had her stroke. I think I've missed that more than anything.

Good luck with everything and yes, people in pain will buy any hope. My mom however has been chasing living forever. She's not able to accept the changes our bodies go through due to aging. She's taking supplements to have the perfect body as the sellers have pitched for over forty years. Thanks again....

@edsutton, interesting comments. I learned a very long time ago minding my own business was a full time job. The situation I'm in currently with my mother, to be frank is it's my duty. It wasn't always but there's wear and tear over time. My wife and I haven't travelled since 2015. Maybe it would be easier if... let me put it this way, if mom were a little more cooperative and didn't occasionally say hurtful things. It's amazing how she can stir things up after a good day for instance. I'll give one recent example. I was taking her to different appointments last year. Many dental, the routine toenail foot doc, an ER visit, a funeral and groceries and more. We've had her credit card for over five years. We always give her the receipts when we use it. Out of the blue she asked why her car was used at a gas station. I told her that I gave her the receipt and told her we'd been driving a lot for you and you should chip in. She said "oh OK". Nothing was said further. A couple months later she brought it up again and I told her the same thing.
I explained to her I was concerned about her memory and asked her if she had a problem paying towards her rides? So you see I know her. She expects certain things from me and my wife. She used to "chip in for gas" when I used to cut her grass. This isn't about money or head games this is about entitlement that she had when my farther was alive and the house her and sister grew up in the 30's and 40's. I know because I grew up in that same house in the 50's and 60's. I've heard her talk about the youngest daughter not marrying because she had to take care of her mother. Not everyone has the same history of what's expected of them.

@judithsmiles Walking a half-mile in another's shoes....

@editored
Seems like cruelty, has joined in with the 7 deadly sins. Assuming there’s some facet of love,
and kindness within the folks tending her needs, one would hope that when the horns blow,
she will go gently into the night. It is hard to say goodbye, it’s morally, and humanistic to provide
some sort of respect, dignity, and compassion. While on this earth, try and love, and help ?