96 YO Mother fall questions

@patient101 , I've attended when I've taken her to PT. They don't have much room for guests especially during flu season. I'll probably get invited to a meeting based on something like this new driving stuff.

@woojr You and your wife really have had your hands full! At 96, and as stubborn as she sounds, there probably isn't much you can do but try to hang in there. I hope an independent driving evaluation can at least take that burden off your hands. My Mom never really forgave me for taking her to the eval that she failed, but at least the state took her license and not me. She didn't give in gracefully - we still had to disable the car AND take the keys (she had perception deficits from a stroke.)

Hang in there!

@woojr She is amazing. At 84 I'm thinking about a bracelet or watch to alarm if I fall. I vote for quality of life over quantity.

I've got a new thing. I don't go online on Sunday. I accidentally have done it a few times since the holidays and I loved it. The weather has been nasty and I spoke to Mom by phone over the weekend and she was fine. Last night she told me she cleaned all the granite countertops in the kitchen. Quite a job since they are covered with all sorts of things that needed to be sorted and tossed out. We had a little snow and her neighbors clean the steps and driveway. I'm putting an Amazon order for her after this note. She's been asking for a few things but wait for her to ask a few times because she usually forgets we just bought it recently. She broke her blue light glasses for watching screens. She has finally realized it's easier and more likely to get the order if I do it. She's had several orders mysteriously disappear which she's blamed her neighbor for stealing them. Truth is she went to the wrong location and the packages were piling up at the side door. She still blames the neighbors because their dogs poop on her grass. She used to pack it up and leave it on their front steps. I swear it's true.
As far as her forgiving me, I think forgiving and forgetting are getting closer everyday.

@smarter
@triciaot
My alert went off but emergency services never showed up. A passerby helped me to get up and home.
Jake

While reaching out for advice may give you some ideas, you also need to reach out to someone qualified to help you with your upcoming choices and decisions. Your mom sounds fiercely independent and you need to fully understand the implications of her choices and your concerns. Does her primary care doctor know of her falling issues? Are you designated to see her medical charts? Get some help so you're not going about this alone.

Thank you for caring. Fiercely independent is putting it mildly. As far as qualified people to help, I think we've had a lot of qualified people get involved over the last ten years or so. I like to relate to just the most recent things to sort of give a picture of what I've been helped with recently. A month ago she drove her car into her hairdresser's building. When the police came I asked them if they were going to check her driving competency before she drove home. The corporal in charge said he talked to her and she was fine. I asked if he knew what medication she was using and whether he could tell if she could walk straight and if her reactions should be tested. He didn't like my attitude. Walked away.
In December we went to a new cardiologist. We both see him. He decided to stop her Clonadine because he was afraid of fall risks because it could cause a sudden drop in BP. About a week later she had a BP spike, called 911 went to the hospital where she told the doctor not to bother my wife and me. My wife and I went to her house a few hours later to take her to another dr.s appt. When we got there, the house was all lit up and there was a strange look about it. My wife called the local hospital and she was there. The doctor said she'd been there six hours and had taken a few different BP meds but it wasn't coming down. I asked if they tried Clonadine and they said that was next. We went to the hospital and she had taken it and was doing better. Mom had Clonadine in her cabinet and would have taken it at six AM like she's been doing for several years until the new doc helped out. She has the script renewed now. I could tell you about the help I got from a Priest when she had issues from being scammed and refused to file a complaint against the scammers. She was certain they were the real Publishers Clearing House and I was stealing the $40,000 she wanted to send to them. The police and the bank tried to help but she clammed up like a Mafia boss's wife. The Priest tried to get some money for himself.... hmmm
This winter's been tough. We had a snow storm with ice on top. It was brutally cold and the ice seemed to sink in about two inches thick. I fell several times just trying to clean the walkway. The next day she went into the garage, got in the car and drove about twenty miles to the DMV to get the car inspected. The roads were bad but she has no sense of fear or risk. When she got home she couldn't get up the driveway which wasn't cleaned yet. She crawled up and into the garage.
She's had itching problems. We've been to three docs since last Summer and she refuses to stop taking their advice. No she buys supplements over the internet and continues to itch. Blood work has shown it's coming from something she's ingesting.
I could tell you how she almost died blaming her PT girl for the pain in her back which was a UTI. I had to carry her out of the house and took her screaming to the ER.
My mother has no interest in having people come into her home and tell her what to do. She even less wants to go to a facility. First she doesn't believe she's going to die. Her hearing is getting worse and her eyesight is ???? She's gullible and believes and buys anything. She's convinced me I can't get her off the street driving. I was basically told I'd have to sue her and the way the process was explained to me, I'd lose and it would be expensive. I've seen her sweet talk the Primary Care for over ten years. Her cholesterol is getting high but she believes statins and vaccines are deadly poisons. She won't take anything.

Finally, an old buddy had a similar situation with his mother. We're both only male children from Italian families. Only his mother was broke and he paid for her end of life. Now he's caretaker for his wife. He's had her to a number of places for stroke related rehab. It's like there's no end to it. I worked with Bruce Willis' father. I see people who grew up with Bruce and last week got a rundown on him. Caretaking is about as tough as it gets. Help? I wouldn't be surprised if my mother outlives me.

@woojr Your situation and mother sounds like a carbon copy of mine. My mom just turned 97, lives alone in her small home in Maine, "legally blind" from macular degeneration, refuses to leave, refuses to allow in-home help, which is scarce to find anyway up there, pretty much refuses everything to assist. I live in Virginia, getting treated for breast cancer. I'm more and more convinced every day my mom will outlive me. Her brother just turned 99 and is still doing just fine. Good luck with your situation; I feel for you...

It's good to have a place to connect with others in difficult times. My mother's eyesight is slipping. They checked her four years ago at the DMV for drivers license renewal. She had gotten an eyesight test chart and practiced memorizing the chart. The workers clapped when she got her new license.

We live ten minutes away from mom.

I don't believe she has a will. She showed me old versions after my father died almost 30 years ago. She's told me she won't show me because I won't like it. That's comforting. I recently asked her to go to the funeral home to make arrangements that she wants. I'll leave it at that. Basically we have nothing.

We've had a bad winter.

It appears that she prefers her independence to safety. As a caring child, you prefer her safety. This is a common dilemma. I’m not sure there is a compromise. Hard as it is to watch I would recommend respecting her preference and know that if she is harmed in a way that is life-threatening or even takes her life that you gave her the freedom she wanted to spend the end of her life the way she wanted to.