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Spouse becoming less supportive?
Has this happened to others? I'm entering my 6th year of survival (Gleason 10, radiation twice, 5th year of Lupron), and I've recently retired. I seek "alternative" methods of relief, but nothing too extreme: sound baths, meditation, plant-based diet, making music with new friends. She doesn't like some of my new friends and activities, and she is prohibiting me from some of these activities, especially singing with women. My testosterone was 12 the last time it was checked, and I haven't had an erection in 6 years. I feel no attraction to either sex and/or gender.
I just want some peace.
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@bluegill
Did you tell your wife that you are going to have coffee with friends and that lady ?
I have a feeling that you are minimizing "lady problem" since all activities might or might not involve that lady at any time it seems - there might be "different" venues but with the same group of people inclooding that lady.
If you continue to be so aloof about where and with whom you are spending your time regardless of your wife's anguish and without keeping her in the loop, things can only escalate. : (
Since you have no intention of changing your activities or inviting your wife to join you, than you can not expect her to change her view either. The only solution is in this case to go to counseling together and find a solution with professional help.
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5 Reactions@bluegill Are you looking for advice on how to fix the trust issues in your marriage, or are you looking for encouragement to leave her?
It's your decision, obviously, but this probably isn't the right forum for the latter, since so many of us owe debts to our partners/caregivers that we could never repay (we're just lucky that relationships aren't based on debts and repayment).
Meanwhile, your spouse might be able to find some support here, though sharing a link with her at this particular moment might feel a bit passive-aggressive:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/
Spend some time trying to figure out how you feel about your spouse and about your singing partner, and what you want to happen next (the sexual dysfunction from cancer treatment does *not* make you immune to an extramarital affair, if that's what's developing). ❤️
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5 ReactionsWhat me depressed - you think?
I've been through everything I could imagine including a surgery on Monday to fix this fricking anal colon shit. Yes, there are other here that have endured more than me, obviously stronger people than I.
She is not interested in me at all, I am not capable of attracting anyone else, 45 years of marriage and 3 grandchildren is all I have.
My mother's suicide 40 years ago and the grandkids are the only reason I am still here.
No reason for implants, yes, I have a pump, yes, I masturbate. Life is not good.
Now that PSA is up again and I'm destine for castration, maybe full and total loss of masculinity and impotence is what I need, pretty much already there except the desire.
My 40+ year career as a pioneer in IT is worth nothing now.
powerless
ineffective
ineffectual
inadequate
weak
useless
worthless
vain
futile
unavailing
unsuccessful
profitless
fruitless
impuissant
feeble
effete
And Phycoshit does not work well for engineers - so here I am
Jeff - you are a rock and I appreciate you
@briang1958 ❝And Phycoshit does not work well for engineers - so here I am❞
Consider looking into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and/or Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). They're essentially reengineering your brain in a structured way, so may appeal more to an engineer than old-fashioned talk therapy exploring how losing your gold fish at age 5 is the root of your self-esteem issues now. 😉
As a bonus, both can be self-administered from books. A therapist is helpful as a sort-of personal trainer, but isn't always a requirement, especially for somebody who's good at meticulous planning and application.
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2 Reactions@bluegill OK - so this had nothing to do with your prostate cancer, does it?
You guys definitely need professional help! You gonna sleep with one eye open next? Cause this is going to a whole ‘nother level.
Phil
@briang1958 No argument here, bud…sometimes we all feel like we’re useless and drowning.
Psychobabble is what I used to call it also. In my early sessions when I would talk to my therapist, I would put on a singsong voice and used air quotes whenever I used the word ‘therapy’…
It came out like ‘ther…a…pee’.
After 3 or 4 times she laced into me, asking why I chose to demean her profession and poke fun at it…because if I didn’t think it was going to help me, then why was I wasting her time?
She asked me how I’d feel if she told me that she’d just had some “den…tist…ree” in the same shitty singsong voice.
That was when I put my know-it-all self behind me and got down to business.
So you’re an engineer…big whoop…you’re a smart guy no doubt, but you think you’re too smart to have feelings??! Look at the list you made!
Not saying you don’t have every damn reason to feel shitty and down, but since your wife is not supportive maybe you need someone more skilled than US to talk to? Just sayin’
Phil
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3 ReactionsHave a friend whose husband has colon cancer in full remission. I asked her about what has changed since his diagnosis. She said, “ we just live life more! “
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3 ReactionsWell this has been an interesting discussion. Relationships can be complicated, that is for sure. Then add in the drama that cancer causes and emotions can run high. I dont have any advice to give, just keeping my own house in order is hard enough... everyone here is sharing the pain, defeats and triumphs of dealing with cancer. It changes your life, no doubt about that. I walk my dogs, play my guitar, work in my woods, the wife comes home and we are very glad to be together for a few hours till it is time to get up and do it again. Just a comfortable old couple with the best part of our lives behind us, we like it that way. Thank you brian and bluegill, for sharing your stories, my heart goes out to you both, I hope you find a way to have peaceful moments in the chaos.
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4 Reactions@bluegill you oh are focused on You & need to focus on couple. She feels pushed aside & bypassed. You both need counseling.
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