Bipolar adult son refuses any mental health treatment - help

@frouke how did you manage life with him having this illness? Is your husband still with you? I find it so hard dealing with our 32 yr old son with bipolar 1. He takes his medication and does therapy but still is not the person he used to be, and sometimes has relapses when the drugs stop working and has to try something else. It’s horrible. I don’t see things getting better, only worse.

@frouke how did you manage life with him having this illness? Is your husband still with you? I find it so hard dealing with our 32 yr old son with bipolar 1. He takes his medication and does therapy but still is not the person he used to be, and sometimes has relapses when the drugs stop working and has to try something else. It’s horrible. I don’t see things getting better, only worse.

@bewildered
Thank you for your reply. Let me clarify what happened in my home …. My son had a major episode that required treatment three years ago but refused all medication and counseling since leaving Genrose. I have supported him - emotionally and financially since. Invested in his living as full of a life as possible. Enrolled him in study programs, provided housing. Even had him in my home for 7 of the last nine years - which is when my husband passed away . Despite my encouragement and love, mental illness returned and will continue to do so - until I can convince him to be open to getting well. At least giving mental illness treatment a three month chance. I promised my other four children that if he ended up giving everything he owns and ending up homeless again - which he has - that I would warmly welcome him in , but would expect him to pursue mental health help ( therapy or medication or a combination of both ). He has flatly refused. I did not force him onto the streets , I simply stated that for him to be in my home that seeking mental health treatment for at least three months was expected. He chose to walk. Breaks my heart. My son is not his mental illness. It is not his fault. He is so amazing. But bringing his disorder into our home when he completely refuses to help himself is doing none of us a service. I am always here for him. Always. He knows that. My parting words of how much I love him. Regarding the information you shared regarding your home … I am so proud of how you have fought for your son. Medically, emotionally and financially. That’s beautiful. It appears your son is open to help - in all three areas, whereas my son would not do anything to help his mental health. I think what you are providing is exactly what I would be honored to offer my son - but addressing his mental health must be a part of it. Until he accepts that, I can not help. But know…. I even have a signed taped to my front door welcoming him home ( should he come by) and that we love him and are here to help him help himself. I wish you continued strength. Your dedication to your son is beautiful.

@mercerspring thank you for your kind words and sharing. You have given a lot and been through so much already. You’re right, it’s much easier when they will agree to treatmemt and one gets periods of calmness. Once he gets back to being stable after this last episode, I am praying for a calm period. I am adding you to my prayers that your son seeks treatment for his sake as well as yours and your family. It is so hard to be in that position. Please keep writing and stay in touch, I have found this portal so helpful, at the least to see that we are not alone. We never tell anyone and live with this in secret, it’s so hard. Prayers

@bewildered , I know that you want the best for your son and it breaks my heart to hear how much you’ve been through, I truly feel that mental illness is one of the cruelest disease that can happen in our lives, I used to watch my husband look so lost and frustrated and I felt like my best friend is gone, it was almost like a death had occurred but he was still around physically, the reason why I say that it’s one of the worst diseases because you lose your loved one so quickly and you can’t even discuss the simplest things with them.

You obviously are in a unique situation that most readers here don’t know how to respond. My (now 37yo) son grew up with the extreme end of ADHD — I know nothing like bi-polar, but bear with me.

I think our kids, especially men, are (for lack of better words) offended by the fact that there is something wrong with them. The ego is such that we must take care to not knock them off that delicate balance of mental health concerns and insecurities.

Explaining to your son that his mental health concerns are not his fault, but are within his power to live a greater life, could be a start. Even taking on the blame (your bi-polar is likely genetic) to lift the self-blame off of him. Maybe even having a discussion with a genetics counselor to demonstrate to him that this is something that isn’t his fault, but he has all the power to improve his outcome.

Hope this helps.

@bewildered
Thank you for your reply. Let me clarify what happened in my home …. My son had a major episode that required treatment three years ago but refused all medication and counseling since leaving Genrose. I have supported him - emotionally and financially since. Invested in his living as full of a life as possible. Enrolled him in study programs, provided housing. Even had him in my home for 7 of the last nine years - which is when my husband passed away . Despite my encouragement and love, mental illness returned and will continue to do so - until I can convince him to be open to getting well. At least giving mental illness treatment a three month chance. I promised my other four children that if he ended up giving everything he owns and ending up homeless again - which he has - that I would warmly welcome him in , but would expect him to pursue mental health help ( therapy or medication or a combination of both ). He has flatly refused. I did not force him onto the streets , I simply stated that for him to be in my home that seeking mental health treatment for at least three months was expected. He chose to walk. Breaks my heart. My son is not his mental illness. It is not his fault. He is so amazing. But bringing his disorder into our home when he completely refuses to help himself is doing none of us a service. I am always here for him. Always. He knows that. My parting words of how much I love him. Regarding the information you shared regarding your home … I am so proud of how you have fought for your son. Medically, emotionally and financially. That’s beautiful. It appears your son is open to help - in all three areas, whereas my son would not do anything to help his mental health. I think what you are providing is exactly what I would be honored to offer my son - but addressing his mental health must be a part of it. Until he accepts that, I can not help. But know…. I even have a signed taped to my front door welcoming him home ( should he come by) and that we love him and are here to help him help himself. I wish you continued strength. Your dedication to your son is beautiful.

@suzleigh I so appreciate your wise input! My Grandson, who is 25, has a bad case of ADD, and won’t take his medicine! He’s alienated his parents, and most everybody
else, in the family, with his attitude! I took him in, over a year ago, because he had no where else to go! His only friends were those that he played games with, on the internet! He trusted no one, and was very bitter! I had to have a lot of patience with his attitude, many times, but my patience paid off! He came to me, being on the computer, playing games 24/7! It’s been over a year now, where I always showed him, that I loved, and cared for him! I was supportive and gave him some time, so that he could sort out his bitter feelings! Finally, he started coming to his senses, a couple months ago! He has a job, and a girlfriend now, so I see hope of recovery! Patience is a virtue!

@foundryrat743 Thanks very much for your note. My son had me for consistency and love in his life — something ADHD kids require. He did go off his meds for awhile and admits he didn’t do well his first years of college. But! He enlisted in the Army Guard as an E1 and promoted to E6, went on to get his Masters, got commissioned, and is now an Army Captain (Promotable)!!

Your love and patience will continue to gain great results. Take Care.

@bewildered , I stayed with him for several years but getting the care he needed was difficult, in Canada where I live they were closing many hospitals and the patients were abandoned or they chose to live on the streets. He was from the UK and the care for mentally disabled people there was amazing by comparison and he had lots of family there to support him, eventually he went back home and was well looked after, they didn’t give him pills, instead he was given injections twice a month along with therapy. We stayed in touch for years until he died 8 years ago. It’s much harder to get help in my country because our medical system is very different from the US, there’s more to offer and lots of doctors to choose from, truly enviable. I do have to say that sadly you never get back the person that they were before the illness, the most you can hope for is that they take their medication and try to get involved with therapy, I realize that it’s not very easy for you because he’s your child and you always feel responsible for him, a mother’s bond is very strong, I truly hope that you will find peace with him given time, amen.