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Bipolar adult son refuses any mental health treatment - help
My bipolar adult son called homeless across the country after two weeks of disappearing. He has gone thru Genrose twice but refused all follow up medication and therapy both times. It has been three years since he last gave away all his possessions and called me scared and homeless. He is 35 and a beautiful kind soul. Just nine years ago he was independent and happy. When my husband passed away he started struggling. When I brought him home this time I explained it was not to sit in my home but rather to come up with a plan to bring him to independence. It has been a week since his return , he shows paranoia, he becomes agitated if one has a different viewpoint, etc… he has not shown signs of harm to himself or others - but believes he is destined to do missionary work ( on his own terms). He helps around the house and is mostly pleasant - but it does involve me walking on eggshells. Saying something that disagrees with his viewpoint brings endless lecturing and agitation - then he eventually goes to his room. He’s quick to say he’s not crazy if I don’t agree with what he sees as his destiny. I have another adult son who lives at home and is prospering but says he will move out if his mentally ill brother stays here and refuses any treatment- his other siblings agree. They do not want to see me repeat the last three years of emotional and financial help for him while he continues to refuse any treatment. I have talked to NAMI and the SE Mn crisis team. I told my son today that he must at least show me all is fine by allowing me to get him a mental health assessment and that no one was looking to force him into anything beyond that meeting (it could help him and it would also provide me a paper trail for helping him in the future if things were out of hand ). He outright refuses and says he will leave the house if I demand this. He says that all the help he provides around the house should show me he is doing well and moving forwards. I believe he feels that he is earning his keep. Talks of doing some volunteer work in town. Im not looking for help in my home and he should volunteer once he is on his own two feet. I believe that his staying at my home is only providing a bandaide to a serious mental health issue. He continually tells me that he is the tip of the sword to help people and feels called to be of help in my hometown. A life as a hometown missionary while living off my good graces. I try to help him see that helping himself is the way towards helping others. It falls on deaf ears. Is it an acceptable or prudent reaction for me to tell him that he will indeed need to leave ( he has nothing but one change of clothes as he gave everything away - it was his calling ) or do I need to wait for him to find his way. He is not dangerous which makes it all feel less clear to me. Does telling him to leave if he refuses all mental help a curse or an eventual blessing ? I can not imagine repeating the path of what I did last time he was homeless where I just allowed him to live in my house while I hoped he would eventually get independent. It is building a wedge between me and my other children. He lived “on his own” ( on my support and blowing thru his inheritance ) in Arizona for a year before disappearing last month. But has not had to stand on his own two feet since my husband died. I believe it’s time. I am strong enough to follow thru. My question is - am I doing him more harm than good ?
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@mercerspring Gosh I’m so sorry! The mania makes them so stubborn and fools them into thinking it’s all good. But where will he go? I am so fearful for them to end up lost and living on the street. This is so hard.
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1 ReactionI feel that our fears for them always remains the same, they are very precious and we will do everything possible to protect them. When my life turned upside down by this disease I went on a mission to get the help he needed, the doctors were rather hesitant to take control of the situation because of lawsuits, they remained almost passive in their approach. I researched everything to get some information and I found something interesting, it read that many years ago people abused the mental health care system for their own personal needs, i.e., getting a family member committed for monetary gain or something else to remove them from the family, it also went on to say that even doctors at the right price would assist in doing misdeeds. I realize my information is off the track but my point is that our medical system is outdated and the success rate is not very good, it’s not always the fault of the patient. In the UK they are amazing and one thing that they do is not give out prescriptions because most cases they don’t trust the system but in the UK they’re put on a disability pension and the medication is given by vaccines so they know that they’re getting the medication. Mental healthcare is still not working well for most patients but on a brighter note they are making some major changes with the drugs they use and using new sources that are showing signs of helping, amen.
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2 ReactionsThat is very interesting. I have done all my homework as to how I can help my son - but he does not meet any requirements outside of my drawing a boundary. I can’t quite wrap my mind around how someone who is choosing homelessness and on a “ personal mission” when they are educated with a family that loves them can fall outside any help but rather seen as a competent adult. As long as he does not threaten harm to himself or others - he can continue to free fall, which truly is a harm to himself. I am making sure to document each interaction and at some point he may qualify for help monitored by the state. Until then he is out looking for good Samaritans - code for people who will help him with no expectations. It is my hope that with time the mania will pass and that he will return and not just agree to mental health - but seek it out so that he will be a true customer for change - and in turn live a fulfilling and independent life. Medication is crucial for brain chemistry - but even counseling would be incredible to help him on his path to health. Thank you again for sharing. And how sad that people took advantage of a system and broke it so that those who truly want to help someone from destroying their own health have nowhere to turn.
@bewildered
That is exactly the place I find myself in. Stand strong in love and hope the boundary will bring him the life he deserves at some point - or have no idea where he is or how he is doing. The state of mania forces them to protect their beliefs that work against them to a point where they can end up in dangerous circumstances. If you were to ask my son - he has never been happier or more clear in his thinking- despite having given away everything he owns, not a penny to his name and living on the streets. The paranoia was breaking before he left - the mania flaring at random intervals - and I was sure to tell him as he walked off that I love him very much and I am always here for him when he is ready to accept the help he deserves. This is the only way I can help him and not enable him into a life controlled by brain chemistry that works against him. He is smart, clever, very kind and personable - it is my belief he will be able to survive and be safe - even in the streets - and with time may see clearly how much his family loves him and return with an openness to accept help and live his best life - and stop the cycle of being fine , being depressed , giving up , running and sinking into “ missions” that the brain tricks him into thinking are real ( this time it was to be a solo missionary to the homeless , last time it was to escape to Mexico for a simple life ). I explained all the ways I can help him when he helps himself - that his desire to the help the homeless are admirable but his living independently is what will allow him to have a true impact. That the whole situation is not either or - but rather both and! However, At the moment he is not open to reason, as that’s how this period of bipolar goes. Thank you for caring. It is truly appreciated.