Long-term depression

Hang in there. I would believe that the people who say they love you do love you. Don’t hurt yourself. Co tact the. Help line if you fell suicidal. I too am suffering from long term depression. It hurts so much. I try to see the pain like a migraine. Try to see past the pain

Here,s a suicide hotline number for those who need to talk or for your depression
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
– Call or text 988
– Chat with a counsellor at https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S. You don't need your phone. You can chat on your computer.

Please call them don't hurt yourselve or your loved ones.

When I'm really far down and actively preparing to commit suicide, I'm not in my rational mind. I understand that when I'm thinking clearly, but things like telling a friend or calling a hotline go out the window. I don't want someone to interfere with my plan. Not even my wife. When I'm at that place suicide is a very rational solution. If someone were to tell me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it would go in one ear and out the other. Same thing with hotlines.

I don't know if I'm typical of suicidal persons. I'm sure that hotlines stop a lot of suicides, or they would cease to exist. Being at the point of putting a plan into action, holding that bottle of a controlled substance, the reasons I have for staying alive disappear from view. There's very little anyone could do at that point, unless they walked into the room and took the pills away from me.

It sounds crazy, I know. Maybe I am crazy. Certainly I'm disturbed. Somehow my thinking becomes skewed. Under "normal" circumstances, I'm in control of my thought processes, thus the ramifications of taking my life are clear. The trauma to my wife, children and grandchildren is an awful thought. And that is what keeps me alive.

I encourage people to use the hotlines. It's not that I have any objection to them. I see references to them fairly frequently here, and I felt I should share how an irrational mind processes that option - at least it's true for my irrational mind.

Thankfully, it's been a long time since I was at that place.

Jim

@jimhd Thank you for making this comment. It certainly makes sense, believe it or not. I am very glad that you spoke up and said this. I will share with you that yesterday, as I was on a shuttle, all of the sudden as the last passenger to be delivered to location, the driver opened up to me and shared some very personal things,. Among those was the fact that he often considers suicide. By golly it was quite a revelation, very unexpected, and I had to put on my compassionate thinking cap real fast! This was at the end of an 18-hour day. We stood on the sidewalk and talked. I have no idea what I might have said, except that at the end he was glad that he had said something to me. I did urge him to think about all of the things he has to put in place if he was going to consider this, and he mentioned how it would hurt his son. I realized that was his Achilles heel and went in that direction. I hope to be able to reach out to him again.
Ginger

I too have felt as jimhd has felt. Why would a suicidal-thinking person want to stop it? I do know that for some it is a cry for help, but for many it is thought of as a quick solution to the pain. Since I do not have any immediate family, the thought that I might fail is the ender for me. I think of someone I heard of who tried to commit suicide and only succeeded in causing a loss of muscles. This person was trapped in a nonfunctioning body, but could still know what was happening. What a bad place to be; not able to do anything to relieve the depression. Sometimes though, I could only do as those who are in AA and rely on a higher power. I cry help in a prayer.

@johnhans I see you reaching out here, and that is a positive. I wonder if the energy of thinking about suicide and deciding to not follow through is enough for the mind? To know that it is there as an option if things truly get to be too overwhelming. I will share a story with you. Many years ago I was an emergency dispatcher. One night we got a call from another agency saying that we were the proper people for him to speak to. It turns out that we were the third agency he was speaking to, and he was reaching out one more time before he committed suicide. I took the phone call, was able to talk to him, found that he was visiting from out of the area and missing his family. Angels or God or whatever you want to attribute it to, I was the only one on shift that night who knew the area he was at, and even able to describe the complex he was in to convince him that I did know the area. I was able to keep him talking long enough to get backup units to help him. He had that reflex to make one final phone call. And yes he did have the means to accomplish his mission, there were weapons on the table.
Ginger

@gingerw you make a great point. Thank you for being there for him. I do want people to know I am not considering suicide now. As long as I stay on my medicine, I am ok. That ideation is hopefully gone forever.

@johnhans It's a lot of work, isn't it, to keep the deep dark thoughts at bay? I have had depression, too, and know that it takes work everyday to deal with it. While I have not had suicidal ideations I can certainly understand how people can get to that point in their lives. You do us all a great service by posting here and talking to us, just like @jimhd does. I really think that having the two of you post has helped make a difference in lives of others.
Ginger

@ginger, Volunteer Mentor, that had to have been a scary place to be. But you handled it well. Good on you, my friend.
Mamacita Jane

@johnhans, that cry for help to a Higher Power is often the only relief we can achieve. God truly does work in mysterious ways.
I am grateful for angels from above,and here below, friends and cyber friends who give a word of encouragement at just the right time..

I am grateful that we are still here.

Mamacita Jane