Long-term depression

@gingerw Agree as the hurts were too consistent because I am different. I don't expect them to understand anymore. Free at last. hope they feel the same way.

A very big part of my depression, that goes back as far as my memory takes me, is that I am so different that I am an anomaly. In the deepest part of my depressive moments I felt this to be "bad" (when I was very young), despised (in my later childhood), and ultimately just desperately alone. When my most negative emotions came about later in life, I felt that I should be destroyed as unfit for existence. We know what that can take us to when it goes far enough. I have had to build upon my own learned self-worth and a re-evaluation of what it me to be human. This has taken me far from my family and most of my friends. I am by myself most of the time now, outside of work, and I take a new interest in just trying to get by, past my worries and fears, with the knowledge that I can be a fine person. We just have to try and let that be enough for the next day to come. Does that sound lonely, yes, it is, but in some form I think it is special to be somebody that can make it to the next step.

@guener I believe what you state about being different is what made you feel worthless is one of the biggest lies given to us by society. We are all worthwhile. It does not matter who we are, what we can do, or how different we are from others. You are worthwhile because you are a human. If we were all the same it sure would be boring.

@guener I have those feelings of being undeserving of anything life has to offer and even life itself. I admit this this to myself until I am deep far gone. A constant struggle to stay out of those dark places. From one anomaly to another it is a lifelong struggle. I know how hard I battle these feelings of worthlessness. There are times I want it to stop. I have found it is easier to keep up the fight without past family and friends who blamed me for so many things and how I am depressed because I choose to be. So much bunk.
Thank you for your honesty as I so needed to read your words. One more day is a goal and I was in need of one.

Congratulations! You were very wise, @parus, to not expect them to understand and to free yourself from their influence in your life. It is a tough thing to do, but certainly worthwhile.
Peace of mind is always hard-won, isn't it?

@guener

I agree that life is full of challenges, and those challenges are unique to each individual.

I often feel lonely because I don't fit the mold that the people in my circle of acquaintances impose on me. After years of therapy, I'm better able to first, accept myself, and to accept that though others do influence me, I don't let them control me or mess with my mind.

I'm a person who has always liked solitude, which is different from loneliness. Being retired allows me to pursue solitude on my own schedule. My wife enjoys solitude at least as much as I, so we're a good fit. We live 7 miles from town, and our home is on ten acres of pasture, so real solitude is possible anytime, which is fine for us.

I think that being different probably was a contributor to the onset of my depression and anxiety, and made for a painfully slow climb out of that dark hole. I'm generally out of the hole, but some days I find myself sitting on the edge, dangling my feet. I don't know if I'm typical of deeply depressed people, but 6 has become my new 10. I work at maintaining that level and I can stay up there most of the time.

Self recognition and then self acceptance are a big deal - big steps, that,as you said, you're taking a day at a time. I hope you continue to make positive choices.

Jim

Hi Jim .... you have described me to a "T" .... I like solitude also. Big gatherings wear me out. But, like you, some days are worse than others. As you probably know from reading any of my posts, I moved from MD to western VA 4 years ago, leaving everything behind that was familiar, including my dearest friend, my church, my condo, and familiarity with the whole area. It's been tough and there have been days I have not answered the phone .... just stayed in my room as if "nobody home." Down here I have a friend across the hall from me in the apartments, but she works 12 hours a day, so I rarely see her. My church is just starting up and there are only 15 of us, and the other 3 women came from Eastern Orthodox (I'm Western Ortho.), and all but one are very strict, severe, wear scarves on their heads (which Western does not), and would never be seen in nice slacks. I tried to talk to one of them, who is very nice, and seems a little softer, but so far it hasn't gotten very far. Last week I went to another church with my daughter and it was warm, friendly and relaxed .... rather like I came from years ago. I don't know if I want to go back to that or not.
Also, the pastor's message was on marriage (I'm divorced), and while he didn't say anything particular, it got me thinking about our 42 year marriage and that I was the one that did the divorcing. All of a sudden I felt very sad and alone. He's a narcissist and now I'm wondering if I should have stuck it out. Right now I have no one, but my kids and 2 friends in MD. I sat Sunday afternoon in my chair reading, but my mind kept drifting off into dark thoughts. You know the kind ..... "you're stupid, you were a fool, you should have stuck with it, and on and on and on." And, he only lives 20 min. down the road from me. A long time ago my therapist said to me, "you know, it's actually easier if a spouse dies than if there's a divorce." I thought he was nuts. But, now that I'm walking through this, struggling, I see what he meant. This is NOT to belittle those whose spouses have died .... it's just to say that I always wonder where he is, what is he doing, is he dating ..... and on and on and on.
I need a friend down here, but they consider me a "yankee" even though I'm only from MD. Somehow the days pass, and the days pass, ever closer to the day when I'm gone.
abby

Hi anniep ..... I'm in a very similar boat as you are .... I'm a born again Christian - a new church which is very small (Western Orthodox). The people try to be friendly but inside I feel like they don't really mean it. They just say it because it's the "right" thing to say. I'm not young - 74, divorced and moved here from MD 4 years ago (I'm in VA). My girls are down here, but they have lives, and I just don't have the energy to "get out there". I tried for 4 months to get a part time job, but no luck ... no one can tell me that age discrimination isn't alive and well. Some days I don't want to see anyone .... I sit here in my bedroom, reading, on the computer, or watching TV. I know, I've heard so many times "well, get out there and do something." That's real helpful when you feel the bottom has dropped out of your life. You're not alone in this, my friend. I think there are a lot of us out here.
abby

I, too, enjoy my time alone, even though it's sometimes a borderline isolation tank of me and me thinking about me. Some might determine that is a sign of narcissism or just self-absorption. This time, however, is also a period of me trying to build a new picture of who I am and of what the world means to me. To be sure, I need to keep my awareness of values about me during these times to keep it real. It's good work to be done.

@amberpep

Hi, Abby. I had spent more than 20 minutes writing to you, but I pressed the wrong spot on my phone and it all went away. And now I'm too tired to do a rewrite. I'll try to get back to you sometime tomorrow. I have an appointment with the orthopedist to look at my shoulder that hurts and my thumb joint that Really hurts from arthritis. I've had 2 surgeries on that shoulder. I don't know when I'll get back home. The big guns work in the city that's an hour away, so going there means we go to Costco and grocery store and as many thrift stores as we have the energy for. And Cracker Barrell just opened a restaurant there, and my wife really likes it. So, a long day in town.

Until tomorrow....

Jim