Long-term depression

To all of us dealing with estrangement and all of the family issues-we are doing the best we can. I struggle with depression daily but still shove the past aside and endeavor to love those around me. Whether they love me in return is their choice. The hardest thing for me is setting boundaries then getting hurt again and become angry again for allowing the same damn thing happen again. I continually remind myself I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I lie to myself too. Emotions are always a challenge. There are days I cannot face the challenge and they are totally disgusting. I do know I have ceased groveling and apologizing so much. I cannot possibly have the control others try to place upon me-likewise I ought not to allow them to have control over me and how I see myself. And I am confusing myself at this point and getting dizzy. We are who/what we are. I am me and this is best I can be.

To all of us dealing with estrangement and all of the family issues-we are doing the best we can. I struggle with depression daily but still shove the past aside and endeavor to love those around me. Whether they love me in return is their choice. The hardest thing for me is setting boundaries then getting hurt again and become angry again for allowing the same damn thing happen again. I continually remind myself I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I lie to myself too. Emotions are always a challenge. There are days I cannot face the challenge and they are totally disgusting. I do know I have ceased groveling and apologizing so much. I cannot possibly have the control others try to place upon me-likewise I ought not to allow them to have control over me and how I see myself. And I am confusing myself at this point and getting dizzy. We are who/what we are. I am me and this is best I can be.

Replying to @parus, you are you, and perfectly imperfect but greatly loved, exactly as you are! It amazes me how people do not value the importance of simply being yourself.

I cannot pattern myself after anyone else. I have family that I have chosen to let go, because they dumped me into the throwaway box many years ago.

All I can think is that most of them care only for themselves. The Times we shared are erased from their minda, just as I have been erased from their Christmas list.

There are homes I have never been in. Family members who show up now and again at funerals, speak to me as if we lived just around the corner. I don't buy that anymore. I have cried and been heartbroken too many times

The only crime I have commited is being on the Spectrum. I don't fit into their society. So I make friends with the dreamers and the doers, the poets and the writers. The musicians and the counselors, the pastors and the teachers. And every one in between.

I read, paint, listen to music, and practice self care. I read everything I can on Narcissists. I have a good life, even though arthritis rears its ugly head in retaliation to my Fibromyalgia being calmed

You are so right. We cannot change other people. Especially people who don't even know they need to be changed I welcome change.

Love and virtual hugs to you,

Mamacita Jane

Replying to @parus, you are you, and perfectly imperfect but greatly loved, exactly as you are! It amazes me how people do not value the importance of simply being yourself.

I cannot pattern myself after anyone else. I have family that I have chosen to let go, because they dumped me into the throwaway box many years ago.

All I can think is that most of them care only for themselves. The Times we shared are erased from their minda, just as I have been erased from their Christmas list.

There are homes I have never been in. Family members who show up now and again at funerals, speak to me as if we lived just around the corner. I don't buy that anymore. I have cried and been heartbroken too many times

The only crime I have commited is being on the Spectrum. I don't fit into their society. So I make friends with the dreamers and the doers, the poets and the writers. The musicians and the counselors, the pastors and the teachers. And every one in between.

I read, paint, listen to music, and practice self care. I read everything I can on Narcissists. I have a good life, even though arthritis rears its ugly head in retaliation to my Fibromyalgia being calmed

You are so right. We cannot change other people. Especially people who don't even know they need to be changed I welcome change.

Love and virtual hugs to you,

Mamacita Jane

@parus

I sense in both your thoughts expressed in your words, and in your attitude, a move in a positive direction since we last talked. You go!!

I keep thinking that I've released myself from the control of people who have hurt me deeply. Then, up pops a reminder, and I let it go one more time. If only it were an instant, one time action.

I agree with you. My therapists over the past 12 years have worked with me to accept myself as is. Progress has been made in both of us.

Jim

@parus Right on!!! I especially like your last sentence "I am me and this is the best I can be." Family can sometimes be the most toxic people in your life. You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends and make them your family. I have a sister that I have not seen nor spoken to in 8 years, and it has been blissful. My brother has recently joined my exclusion due to having a very bad moral compass. It is important to surround yourself with people that have good energy and compliment your life; not complicate. I struggle with a chronic illness that saps my energy, so, I really have very little patience with non-sense anymore.

@mamacita There are those who help me realize how special I am...

To all of us dealing with estrangement and all of the family issues-we are doing the best we can. I struggle with depression daily but still shove the past aside and endeavor to love those around me. Whether they love me in return is their choice. The hardest thing for me is setting boundaries then getting hurt again and become angry again for allowing the same damn thing happen again. I continually remind myself I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I lie to myself too. Emotions are always a challenge. There are days I cannot face the challenge and they are totally disgusting. I do know I have ceased groveling and apologizing so much. I cannot possibly have the control others try to place upon me-likewise I ought not to allow them to have control over me and how I see myself. And I am confusing myself at this point and getting dizzy. We are who/what we are. I am me and this is best I can be.

Replying to @parus, you are you, and perfectly imperfect but greatly loved, exactly as you are! It amazes me how people do not value the importance of simply being yourself.

I cannot pattern myself after anyone else. I have family that I have chosen to let go, because they dumped me into the throwaway box many years ago.

All I can think is that most of them care only for themselves. The Times we shared are erased from their minda, just as I have been erased from their Christmas list.

There are homes I have never been in. Family members who show up now and again at funerals, speak to me as if we lived just around the corner. I don't buy that anymore. I have cried and been heartbroken too many times

The only crime I have commited is being on the Spectrum. I don't fit into their society. So I make friends with the dreamers and the doers, the poets and the writers. The musicians and the counselors, the pastors and the teachers. And every one in between.

I read, paint, listen to music, and practice self care. I read everything I can on Narcissists. I have a good life, even though arthritis rears its ugly head in retaliation to my Fibromyalgia being calmed

You are so right. We cannot change other people. Especially people who don't even know they need to be changed I welcome change.

Love and virtual hugs to you,

Mamacita Jane