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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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Ok, so guilt.
I recently became sole caregiver for my 98 year old Mom. She is amazing. Still mobile, cognizant and an avid reader. She moved in with my husband and I after having a TIA and finally agreeing she wouldn’t drive anymore.
The problem I have is her constant negativity. Always, always sees the worst in everything and everyone. At this point in my life, I’m 62, I really should be able to walk away and just know it is her dementia talking. I try, but I fail. I end up saying something like, you should be thankful your grandkids want to see you, or try to look for the positive in things, which cause her to get angry and/or frustrated. Then in walks the guilt. Open the door and walk all over me. I’m a bad daughter, I should accept her personality as it is now, and not try to change her.
I just can’t help it!
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8 Reactions@leeleip You’re right, you can’t help it, I wholeheartedly get it. We grew up and lived in a world where there weren’t crazy, cruel behaviors that had to be smiled at and tolerated, it was never ok, so it’s impossible for us to get past. It is a most challenging addition to our lives and it just takes a whole lot of effort. We can only do the best we can do.
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2 Reactions@leeleip
I would say that this is something you did not expect to be doing. It is so hard and believe me ..you are going to say kind things as well. We as Caregivers are by no means perfect. Take a pat on the back for even being their for her. Lots of young people are not interested. I have been caregiving a long time. I should have written down everytime I messed up. Just do your best. She may get angry no matter your response. Kudos for being there. Take care and give yourself some compassion. 🫂💕
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3 Reactions"It's just life." One of the first teachings from my Bhagwan was a story about when he was a child, traveling by horse and carriage with his parents to their home, and he being fearful of being stuck during a heavy snow storm at night. As the snow kept piling up on the road and the horse's gate slowed, he would asked himself during the journey, "Are you alright now?" And he would answer, "Yes."
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3 Reactions@workwoman This could have been written by me.
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3 Reactions@leeleip I HEAR you !
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2 Reactions@sillyblone thank you for your kind words.
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2 Reactions@dederickve: Thank you.
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1 Reaction@leeleip
You are quite welcome. 💗
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2 ReactionsGuilt is real. Oh wow. I just read some of the guilt-stuff others are going through and feel grateful for this forum. Thank you everyone for being here. As a caregiver I get it. But, as I tell my dear friend who is older than me (I am 74) and taking care of her husband for 20 years who has slowly declined due to Parkinson's (he is 86), I don't know how she does it!! This is hard stuff! Hats off to everyone here taking care of a mate full time...I currently care for a breast cancer survivor, who is on dialysis 3 times a week and is totally blind...she is relatively young (in her 60's)...but, the difference is, I don't live with her. I leave, go home, relax in the shower or take a walk with no thought of being pressured to "hurry back" or fear that he/she is going to fall again while I am out...living full time, 24/7, as a caregiver is the hardest. Hats off to you ladies and gents for doing the hard work. My heart goes out to you all... HUGE HUG!
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8 Reactions