Survivors of toxic relationship with a Narcissist: Let's Connect

@monster
May experience the narcissist was that I too was married to one. I tried to save my marriage and went through two different counselors only to fail. Neither brought up or considered her narcissim.

She brought up everything I do wrong or does not like and I would change to accommodate but was never enough she would go on to another issue even if so minor.

My suggestion if you can do to counseling by yourself and talk about possibly being married to a narcissist and describe the symptoms they can help you deal with this. Of course the narcissist is going to need counseling to change that personality disorder and I hate to say a narcissist does not see themselves as having any problems it is you and others.

I know when a physicatrist made a suggest to my ex wife she blew up. She refused to see him again saying he was a quack. Try to reserach the topic and see what you can do. I do suggest seeing a therapist and dealing with this one on one and hopefully you can talk your spouse into going to therapy but get the advise of your counselor how to say that as you are dealing with a narcissist.

Please refer to extensive previous discussions in this Mayo Chat. There are lots of links.
eg.

When my father was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 40+ years into the marriage with my mother (and many separations), he told her that he "would not be on a shrink's couch for the rest of his life." He left my mom, screwed her out of alimony, married a woman he had been seeing (and dated in the 1960's) and that was that. My mother was so distraught I had to commit her. The damage is done to everyone. Like my alcoholism, everyone was affected (in recovery now). I developed an empathy for my dad. He was not born a narcissist. He had a very narcissistic mother and I know that when he was around 2 years old, she had post-partum depression and received shock therapy. His father was in the FBI and not around so he was shuffled around during that time of his life. In other words, it is not okay to be tolerate the way a narcissists treats a person, but I had to remember that he was not always that person. He has since passed away and I was with him when he died. My sibling, on the other hand, did not speak to him after the divorce. It is complicated stuff. I really suggest watching Dr. Ramani's video's on YouTube. Taking care of oneself is really all I can do. I can't change anyone else and like others have said, the NPD usually can't or won't see inside or take any blame.

If you research the work of Dr. Sapolsky on free will, you may find that we are a product of genes, family history, trauma etc. etc. Our thinking., behavior, and defenses develop in response to our long multi-generational history.
In short, as Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, "It's Not Your Fault."

I agree. Married 30 years to a Psychopath/Narcissist. Three beautiful sons, l regret not having the strength to leave much earlier. I still have PTSD that crops up. Last person was absolutely correct... They do not change... theu will say they adore you one minute and abuse you in every way the next. Pathological liars. Crocodile tears when it suits them. Its a sliding scale psychopathy wise... Do not underestimate what they can be capable of if thwarted. Always play the victim and it is your fault. Do not like to take responsibility for their actions or words if accused. Needs to always be about them.. if you find yourself walking on eggshells wondering how she/he will treat you today... Leave sooner rather than later. I was so 'in love' with my long time boyfriend then husband all the gaslighting left me feeling less than. Trust your instincts. They truly lack empathy and loyalty. Take good care and keep sharing.

I second the advice for Dr.Ramani. Also recommend Dt Les Carter on you tube although he just retired.

Narcissism and it's traits exist on a spectrum. It is all toxic and dangerous. Also I recommend learning about codependency and situational vernurabiities.

I had domestic violence treatment. The principles they taught me are still with me. I have to re inforce those principles and do self examination daily otherwise I slip back into codependency. Right now this time in history is very dangerous. Take care. Learn to say no. Fact check.

A person who has not developed a Self (knowing who you are and sure of your actions in most circumstances) is like a sailboat with no keel and no rudder. Whatever breeze hits the sail, that's the direction the boat will go.
With a Self (keel, rudder and command of the sails) a person can set a true course for herself, and not get blown off course by the unpredictable and dangerous "winds" of the narcissist .
So, in dealing with another's pathology, a person needs to find and rely on their own dependable and reliable Self to keep from being shipwrecked by the narcissistic storm.
And then drop anchor ⚓️. 🙂

Well said and I also believe that most mental illness falls on a spectrum, especially "personality disorders." All psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths...although sometimes it is hard to tell the difference, at least in my experience. Thank you for your post.