Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

Thank you for the assurance that living my life is OK!
I feel so guilty when I do have a good day, or even a good moment.

I need to hear what you are saying over and over again.

My worry is once he becomes physical when he gets so angry, that it may increase the next time. After all, it started with Mom don’t be negative to my thoughts and increased to smashing my phone and scream at me that everything is my fault!!

When he sleeps he sleeps so deeply that he doesn’t hear if someone is around him, and that is my fault, because I vacuumed under his crib when he was a baby!

I was getting really tired of everything being my fault. But now that I haven’t heard from him or about him for a few weeks now, I would put up with it is all my fault.
I don’t know how people go on for weeks, months and even years without hearing from them. I don’t know if I can. I am not a religious person, but I feel sometimes I need to go to church!

Hi! We’re dealing with an abuse issue and we’re definitely in a family crisis situation. Our 44 year old son is having severe emotional problems. He is the father of 5 (16-6 months old). He had Covid twice abt 3-4 years ago; the second time lasted several months and he came out of it in bad shape mentally (depression and anxiety). He refuses going to any doctors. He was once on a med for anxiety(?). Said it made him feel loopy. He stopped talking it and vowing not to take it any more. He is a non-smoker but is also hooked on nicotine since Covid.

The anxiety and depression he has have continued but now he has had uncontrollable fits of anger in which he screams and yells loudly and strikes and slaps his son (our 16yo grandson and our major concern at this time).

He also punishes him for a variety of infractions such as: demanding respect form his so, Zwanting a different breakfast than the others, writing in his journal 10:00pm, getting an “F” in a college class, taking his plain flip phone away also read his texts. Punishments include grounding our grandson 5 month, restricts contact with friends, no social life, won’t let us see our grandson unless our son is there to chaperone, made him quit is part time job which he used for college costs and gifts for his Mom and Dad and sibs, locked down his computer (listening to music and watching YouTube), cancelled a Church retreat trip,

Our homeschooled grandson is intelligent, articulate, bright, studious, and has a deep faith, but is questioning God and his faith. He and his sibs love coming to our house to visit, play, watch cartoons and football. It’s a safe place for them and we absolutely positively love them with our whole hearts. We also suspect that our DIL is being bullied into submission. It started getting bad for our grandson on 10/24 it didn’t seem as bad until the last 3-4 months. Within the last 2 months it has gotten worse. Over the past week. It has escalated out of control. Also he expects his son to graduate from college by the age of 19. Our son has chosen our grandson’s college classes. It is a more than a full schedule with very challenging classes. He just completed his 1st year. Is he perfect, no. But he is a good kid. We are completely concerned for his welfare.

My husband and I as well as our DIL’s parents have being trying to find a way simmer this down. Our grandson has said he feels hopeless and crazy and has mentioned taking drugs to numb the pain he feels and mentiond wanting to end it all. To my husband, DIL’s parents and me we’ve been terrified, scared, sad and stressed. My husband and I are seeking mental health counseling. We feel like we’re in a deep, dark hole.

Yes, this is a very serious and dangerous situation. No question your son is abusing his wife as well as his son. Unfortunately he is escalating. He needs mental health therapy, a psychiatrist for medication management and a therapist. My sense he has no self-awareness or insight into his own behaviors. He feels completely out of control and therefore feels he must control everyone around him. Don't know if this was his behavior long term or COVID triggered it. As his parents, at this point, it looks likes there is nothing you can do to change him. An abuser feels he is "entitled" to control his surrounding family. I would suggest you and husband contact (privately) your local division of Family and Youth Services and set up a meeting with them in person. Perhaps his in-laws can attend also. It's good you and your husband are in therapy to learn how to cope with this situation. Continue that. Sadly, it's going to get worse before it gets better. Your DIL might need to take the children and leave him until he actually gets help. Which he may or may not do. You can not control that...but you need a professional to intervene at this point. Family and Youth Services is a good place to start and will point you in the right direction with viable options. It's going to be extremely difficult to do this. For the families it is always is so very hard as families feel it's a "betrayal" against their loved one (your son). There is no question professional help is needed at this point. Nothing you nor your husband, his wife or in-laws will stop this abusive behaviors at this point. You must reach out for professional help. I suggested one option - a good place to start. You very well might be saving your grandson's life as well as your DIL or the entire family.
Have courage to do this and be brave. Be in touch with your spiritual advisor also to help you and your husband. The entire family is affected by your son's abusiveness. Action must be taken, however difficult it is. Your son is not going to be magically "changed". This is him now. A professional can help you. Reach out for that for starters. The very best wishes to you and the family. Your are not alone...so many families are dysfunctional.
I personally know of your pain with my own son, his problems are different but I feel the same as you do.
One day at a time, but get started. Blessings.

@georgiapeach2008 What you’ve described is terribly frightening and dangerous for everyone involved. I agree with @briarrose on contacting your local social services office for Family and Youth Services. It seems to me and that you and your husband are doing everything possible including getting your own mental health counseling.

You may have realized that there is little you or anyone else can do to manage or control your son’s behavior and escalating anger. Despite the reasons for your son’s behavior it is imperative to protect his children and their mother. Is there a Women’s Center/Domestic Violence shelter near you? If yes, then your DIL can call and make an appointment to speak with one of their advocates. In my community these services are at no cost to the person seeking the services and the advocate helps the person figure out their options.

If you, your DIL and her parents can be proactive in their dangerous situation then perhaps the involvement of law enforcement can be avoided. In the state/community where I live once law enforcement is called in on suspected abuse cases it becomes complicated and tangled up with the court system. Ultimately the goal is to protect the children.

I wish you, your husband, and your son’s in-laws success in all that you are doing to support your son’s family.

A very helpful book with useful strategies for dealing with mental health issues - “I am not sick I don’t need help” by Xavier Amador.

I’ve lost my 40 year old son. He has shut me out of his life. I’ve been dealing with this for several years … it’s only gotten worse. His entire life has just turned upside down. He thinks people are out to get him. He doesn’t even trust me anymore. We were as close as a mother and son could ever be … and then we weren’t. He’s like a stranger. I want my son back! He doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. He won’t talk to anyone professional. He stopped working, his phone is cut off, his email acct has been closed … I want him back! I need him! I miss him, the real him … he’s not coming back, is he?

My sense is he is suffering from Paranoid Personality Disorder. Do you also think he is abusing drugs?
Was there a trigger that can be identified that pushed him into this mental state?
Educate yourself with this personality disorder and read some books/literature on it.
I would suggest you get into therapy to learn how to handle him. I did and feel it was the right step.
You must take care of yourself! You are entitled to a good life! You must learn how to communicate with him in a manner that will be reasonably "calm". You can not change him. Don't lecture to him, it's not working.
Will the help of a professional you can always write him a loving and supportive letter since all other ways of contacting him are shut off. That is really all you can do right now. Be supportive, loving and empathic. Let him know you are ALWAYS in his corner - no matter what. But do not take any kind of abuse from him! Do make boundaries. My sense is he will come back to you - but it looks like the road he is on right now might be a long one. Don't give up on him. If you are spiritual - turn to that for strength. I am will you on this and we are not alone with our adult sons who become like this (for whatever reason). I wish you all the very best...you must help yourself NOW so you can cope with your son NOW. I am sure you heard of NAMI - also a good place to get started and support. I hear you loud and clear. Help YOURSELF now!!

I really feel for you, @briarrose. Reading your story, I could sense just how much love and worry you have for your son, and how exhausting it must be to always be on guard with every word you say. It’s heartbreaking when someone you’ve always been close to suddenly feels like a stranger, and you can’t “fix” it no matter how hard you try.

My own son is only 16, and while his situation is different, I’ve had a glimpse of how personality or mental health shifts can completely change the dynamic between you and your child. It’s a strange mix of grief for the relationship you used to have, worry for their safety and future, and that constant push-pull between wanting to help and not wanting to push them away further.

I think you’re right about how personality disorders complicate everything, it’s not just the symptoms, it’s the way they interpret everything. Even kindness can be twisted into something suspicious in their mind. Like others have said, sometimes the safest way to keep a thread of connection is through short, non-confrontational check-ins, a simple “thinking of you” text, or even a card. It’s not the deep talk we want, but it’s still a bridge.

I don’t have a magic answer (I wish I did), but I’m glad you’re looking into NAMI. Their family programs can be a lifeline, not only for learning strategies, but also for feeling less alone. And please, keep taking care of yourself in the middle of all this. Your wellbeing matters too, even if it feels like every ounce of your energy should go toward him.

Sending you a hug from one parent to another. ❤️

Thank you! I think you are right. I’ve been researching Paranoid disorders. I am seeing a therapist to help me. She listens and encourages, it helps. But, nothing I’ve tried takes away this ache inside. To know how scared he is, how alone he must feel and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve told him over and over that I will always be here for him. He knows he can come here and stay whenever. But, somewhere along the line he has started to not trust me. He doesn’t trust anybody. Thinks everyone is conspiring against him. He isolates … I have given him to God. I still worry but know that there is nothing I can do. As I look back on his life I see things that may have been a clue of what was to come. My therapist assures me this isn’t my fault but did I miss something? Could/Should I have gotten him help years ago? It’s so nice that somebody understands. Thank you.