Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

Hello. My situation mirrors yours. My son is older though, 51, and has been living with me for 12 years.He is being treated by a psychiatrist for depression anxiety and ADHD. His behavior indicates a severe combative personality disorder which has not been address by his doctor.He doesn't converse.
He argues and starts blowup verbal "fights" with me when he makes a mistake anf doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions.He constantly blames me for causing his mistake.
He has severe anger issues resulting from having an estrangement from his father, my ex-husband. Yet he channels his father's emotionally abusive behavior and displacement of blame.
It is always everyone else's fault for his problems and sets out to
verbally "punish" everyone for making him fail or be miserable. He now is "threatening" me that he is moving out of my house, having no plan, just to act impulsively so that I will worry about his welfare. He is divorced and never recovered from his marriage ending. I am almost 74 years old and have mental health issues of my own which are being managed by my psychiatrist and psychologist, but my son's behioral outbursts is damaging to my emotional well-being being. He is my younger son, who came to live with me after a psychological breakdown. I fear my own mental stability weakening.
He has not given myself or my older son access to his medical records or permission to speak with his medical.providers so I can not contact his doctors, nor they contact me, and the problems just escalate.

Hello. My situation mirrors yours. My son is older though, 51, and has been living with me for 12 years.He is being treated by a psychiatrist for depression anxiety and ADHD. His behavior indicates a severe combative personality disorder which has not been address by his doctor.He doesn't converse.
He argues and starts blowup verbal "fights" with me when he makes a mistake anf doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions.He constantly blames me for causing his mistake.
He has severe anger issues resulting from having an estrangement from his father, my ex-husband. Yet he channels his father's emotionally abusive behavior and displacement of blame.
It is always everyone else's fault for his problems and sets out to
verbally "punish" everyone for making him fail or be miserable. He now is "threatening" me that he is moving out of my house, having no plan, just to act impulsively so that I will worry about his welfare. He is divorced and never recovered from his marriage ending. I am almost 74 years old and have mental health issues of my own which are being managed by my psychiatrist and psychologist, but my son's behioral outbursts is damaging to my emotional well-being being. He is my younger son, who came to live with me after a psychological breakdown. I fear my own mental stability weakening.
He has not given myself or my older son access to his medical records or permission to speak with his medical.providers so I can not contact his doctors, nor they contact me, and the problems just escalate.

Hello. My situation mirrors yours. My son is older though, 51, and has been living with me for 12 years.He is being treated by a psychiatrist for depression anxiety and ADHD. His behavior indicates a severe combative personality disorder which has not been address by his doctor.He doesn't converse.
He argues and starts blowup verbal "fights" with me when he makes a mistake anf doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions.He constantly blames me for causing his mistake.
He has severe anger issues resulting from having an estrangement from his father, my ex-husband. Yet he channels his father's emotionally abusive behavior and displacement of blame.
It is always everyone else's fault for his problems and sets out to
verbally "punish" everyone for making him fail or be miserable. He now is "threatening" me that he is moving out of my house, having no plan, just to act impulsively so that I will worry about his welfare. He is divorced and never recovered from his marriage ending. I am almost 74 years old and have mental health issues of my own which are being managed by my psychiatrist and psychologist, but my son's behioral outbursts is damaging to my emotional well-being being. He is my younger son, who came to live with me after a psychological breakdown. I fear my own mental stability weakening.
He has not given myself or my older son access to his medical records or permission to speak with his medical.providers so I can not contact his doctors, nor they contact me, and the problems just escalate.

I am going through the exactly same thing with my 41 yr old son. I had to block him several times because the text messages were brutal and it was affecting my health.All I can do is pray.I realize the HIPPA laws are for a reason, but in these circumstances I think at least we should be able to inform the therapist.

Yes, there are many similarities between our sons. And between us.
But I want to talk about you...I am in the same shoes and seeing a therapist to learn coping skills to help deal and cope with him, his life and decisions he is making. He is in the mid-west and I am on the east coast. But he does visit and we talk on the phone. Sometimes so draining for me with anxiety I develop a migraine after hanging up the phone. If your therapist is not helping you to see a clearer and better way for you to handle him, look for a new therapist. Mine is compassionate and has lots of good insight into my situation. Also I am now looking into family support groups for those with substance abuse, I feel my son is abusing his ADD medication (which I don't believe he has) Adderall. He did in his last semester of college. His anxiety was high as he was coming home with no job lined up and divorcing parents. He's my only child. He told me he was diagnosed with ADD by a psychologist while in college. This a high achiever from grade school up to his MBA. I didn't buy it and still don't. Obviously he never told his psychiatrist of his abuse of this drug and manipulated him to order it for him again...fast forward 20 years. I blame most of his behaviors on this drug. It clearly affects the brain chemistry in a very bad way, Highly addictive & at times he presents with manic behaviors...grandiose plans but the next day, he does nothing (he is not diagnosed with bipolar). No motivation BUT this drug is suppose to do exactly that??!! But he won't stop it. So I must help myself., he likes the feeling it gives him too much. Have you tried contacting NAMI? A great supportive group for families affected by loved one with serious mental health issues.
Do you have trusted close friends or even one friend for you to confide in? Or affiliated with a faith based organization? Both can help you. Any family you can lean on for support?
Do you need an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant to help you? Do you do self-care activities? Meditation, yoga, walking, good nutrition, massage therapy for relaxation, nature, music, hobbies to help distract you, readings on adult children with mental illness (there are tons of them), spiritual readings or even volunteering in a cause that means something to you...just some suggestions. We are both in the so-called golden retirement years. It is SO unfair we now have this to face with our adult sons. We can set boundaries, we don't have to accept abusive behaviors and we CAN put our needs first instead of letting these "men" drain the life out of us - at this stage of our lives. We deserve a peaceful and fulfilling life!
You must take care of yourself!! I more than get it, I more than understand how you feel. I am in your shoes too. And some days I am A-OK with it all. Putting my "burden" into God's hands and letting go. But some days I feel so so heartbroken with it all. This is all normal. We are only human after all. Not Super Moms!! We did the very best we could raising our sons.
As much as we wish, we can not control them. Not anymore...they themselves can only help themselves. Of course, as Moms we can plant seeds. But they can only nurture them IF they choose to. Your physical, mental and spiritual health is your priority now. I am with you on this...and we are not alone. Lots of Moms are facing such heart-breaking situations with their adult children. We can talk the talk, but only our boys can walk the walk.
The very very best to you! Take Care of Yourself! What will be, will be.
Accepting what we DON'T want in life is so very hard but it CAN be done.

Yes, there are many similarities between our sons. And between us.
But I want to talk about you...I am in the same shoes and seeing a therapist to learn coping skills to help deal and cope with him, his life and decisions he is making. He is in the mid-west and I am on the east coast. But he does visit and we talk on the phone. Sometimes so draining for me with anxiety I develop a migraine after hanging up the phone. If your therapist is not helping you to see a clearer and better way for you to handle him, look for a new therapist. Mine is compassionate and has lots of good insight into my situation. Also I am now looking into family support groups for those with substance abuse, I feel my son is abusing his ADD medication (which I don't believe he has) Adderall. He did in his last semester of college. His anxiety was high as he was coming home with no job lined up and divorcing parents. He's my only child. He told me he was diagnosed with ADD by a psychologist while in college. This a high achiever from grade school up to his MBA. I didn't buy it and still don't. Obviously he never told his psychiatrist of his abuse of this drug and manipulated him to order it for him again...fast forward 20 years. I blame most of his behaviors on this drug. It clearly affects the brain chemistry in a very bad way, Highly addictive & at times he presents with manic behaviors...grandiose plans but the next day, he does nothing (he is not diagnosed with bipolar). No motivation BUT this drug is suppose to do exactly that??!! But he won't stop it. So I must help myself., he likes the feeling it gives him too much. Have you tried contacting NAMI? A great supportive group for families affected by loved one with serious mental health issues.
Do you have trusted close friends or even one friend for you to confide in? Or affiliated with a faith based organization? Both can help you. Any family you can lean on for support?
Do you need an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant to help you? Do you do self-care activities? Meditation, yoga, walking, good nutrition, massage therapy for relaxation, nature, music, hobbies to help distract you, readings on adult children with mental illness (there are tons of them), spiritual readings or even volunteering in a cause that means something to you...just some suggestions. We are both in the so-called golden retirement years. It is SO unfair we now have this to face with our adult sons. We can set boundaries, we don't have to accept abusive behaviors and we CAN put our needs first instead of letting these "men" drain the life out of us - at this stage of our lives. We deserve a peaceful and fulfilling life!
You must take care of yourself!! I more than get it, I more than understand how you feel. I am in your shoes too. And some days I am A-OK with it all. Putting my "burden" into God's hands and letting go. But some days I feel so so heartbroken with it all. This is all normal. We are only human after all. Not Super Moms!! We did the very best we could raising our sons.
As much as we wish, we can not control them. Not anymore...they themselves can only help themselves. Of course, as Moms we can plant seeds. But they can only nurture them IF they choose to. Your physical, mental and spiritual health is your priority now. I am with you on this...and we are not alone. Lots of Moms are facing such heart-breaking situations with their adult children. We can talk the talk, but only our boys can walk the walk.
The very very best to you! Take Care of Yourself! What will be, will be.
Accepting what we DON'T want in life is so very hard but it CAN be done.

Thank you for your letter.
I don’t have any family member to speak with. Most of my family has passed away. I am married but not to my son’s father. And my husband doesn’t really get it. He does not have kids of his own. He just wants me to be safe. Which is good, but behind my back I hear him calling my son all sorts of names and that he doesn’t get why I still want my son in my life. So he isn’t someone I can really talk with.

I have only tried therapy once and it made me feel worse about myself. So I am very hesitant to try again.

Like you some moments are ok, then something triggers me and I am in a puddle again. My son being homeless, if it rains I can’t stop worrying about him. Wondering where he is? Is he dry, is he sitting on the street in the rain?