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My first post, no one to talk to
I am writing because I literally have no one, no best friend or family member who I can ask for support or understanding. I feel afraid. I've been married to my sweetheart for 51 years. Over the last 2 years she has been displaying memory loss. My son has noticed and others have noticed. At first, when either myself or my son mentioned our concern to her or asked her to get a medical evaluation, she refused to acknowledge the situation and still does. She becomes very hostile to me when I plead with her to get a check up, so at this point I have given up on that request. She is constantly accusing me of betraying her by discussing with our son, but he has noticed on his own. Her memory is to the point that my son doesn't want to have her drive our granddaughter to school or pick her up. Even with driving directions on her phone, she is constantly rechecking the device . But I think she is aware of it because she took up memory exercises such as jigsaw puzzles and crosswords. I believe she is terrified, because she had an aunt with dementia. My mom had it and I know what is coming. In my mom's case, my sister and family moved in with her to care for her, bathing and diapers included. I have always been my wife's protector to an extreme, and I have determined to myself that I will outlive her, just so I can take care of her personally all the way. We are going on 74 years old. The situation has deteriorated to where is is changing her personality and day to day behavior. She is becoming mean to me at times with sudden mood swings and sometimes saying very hurtful things. She gets confused on when she last fed a pet and when I try to remind her, she goes into attack mode. We are one of those couples that has been inseparable for our entire marriage, but honestly I hate to say it, I now frequently think she doesn't love me anymore. No matter what, I will stick it out but I am beginning to wonder how I will have the strength mentally. I am scared because she keeps talking about dying and afterlife, even though we are both very physically active and fit. She truthfully can pass for someone in her 50's, has always taken good care of herself. so, not sure where I'm going with this, but if anyone can offer helpful hints, I'm all ears. I am alone. I am uncertain. I am so afraid. And I love my wife, even though it's been really strained lately.
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I haven't checked much into it, but did a brief internet search for, 'Dementia Travel'. It may not address your most challenging issues, however maybe you'd get your cruise. All the best. 🫂
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2 ReactionsIt is so very hard not to take her seriously. I’ve been taking care of John for over five years now. His doctor now thinks it’s time to consider memory care. I feel so tired and I cry a lot! He has said terrible things about me including taking all of money, calls his son and says come and get me. It’s all part of the disease. I know what you are going through and it’s really hard to watch your loved one’s brain slowly die. We have lost most friends and the empty feeling is gut wrenching, and then there is the guilt. So much to deal with! Wish you peace and stay calm.
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11 ReactionsPlease don't leave him alone. It sounds like he is functioning by rote only thus incapable of handling everyday activities no less an emergency.
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3 ReactionsWhat you describe is very typical. I just try to separate the person from the disease. It doesn’t help to argue. Correct only if necessary. Give information on an as-needed basis, or you’ll have to repeat it over and over. If you’re a person of faith, pray for patience.
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7 ReactionsThere is no doubt to watch someone who you love fade away, breaks your heart. My husbands started 5 years ago subtle small changes, we have been married 45 years and he is 86 I am 77. I also pray that I will outlive him but when I think of the stress sometimes I wonder if that will be the case? We still have good days which I cling to and smile at the man I love so much. We have also done everything together never needing anyone else. We have no children but I do have a couple of dear friends unfortunately not in the same state. My greatest fear is leaving him on his own. Luckily we could sell the house and if I was not here put him in a nice facility. That’s something a need to check out and put in our trust. I am tired, exhausted having to do everything on my own although he does the dishes etc which is a great help. Didn’t mean to go on. You are not alone. Message anytime on here.
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10 Reactions@upgirl2013
His Neurologist most definitely should get him tested by a neuropsychologist!
That test is 3 hours long but it gives them more information to make a better diagnosis .
I am going to have my 3rd test this week. It is done on a regular basis to check the progression.
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7 ReactionsMy wife has early stage dementia. My father had alzheimers advanced and died of complications. My mother probably had dementia. I have a masters degree in social work but changed careers some years ago. In short it is a big adjustment having to take charge of your partner by making decisions, protecting them, and letting other ppl know (including relatives, friends and importantly his medical staff). We both have POAs and MPOAs should we become mentally or physically incapacitated. With paranoia and delusions, one has to redirect the person, find someone who they trust (with my father it was his CPA). We channeled financial things thru her. My mother hung in caring for him way too long. This is not unusual for partners with long term relationships.
Her adult children (me included) live 60 miles away and work full time. Eventually with my sister's (she only wanted her to help, I'm male) assistance. They tried assisted living for a short while mainly because of her resistance to "memory" care. Eventually she allowed him to be placed in memory care which is where he belonged. Even with his mental infirmities he adjusted quite well. The adjustment for her was more difficulty.
As to neuropsych based on my observations. I had my wife tested, and he recommended seeing a neurologist who found she had had multiple TIAs (minor strokes) which led to dementia that was later diagnosed. We both agree that should the time come that I am not able to care for her, she will move to memory care facility. We have a part time care-giver service coming in. Fortunately some years ago, we purchased long term care insurance.
Hope this helps.
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8 ReactionsHi yme2.
By the way, how did you find this site, which is a perfect forum for people who has no one to talk to or to look to for support. Everyone here is understanding and supportive; and they give the best "hugs"--the kind described in a poem by Tess Gallagher ("...a masterpiece of connection, the way [a] button...leave[s] the imprint of a planet in my check when I walk away....")
...and how did you come up with "yme2" as an identification? (Instead of focusing of "why you" in a negative way, think of the positives: For starters, you have enjoyed 51 years with your "sweetheart"! Congratulations.)
As soon as possible, resume your attempt to get your wife evaluated by a neurologist. If she has a diagnosis which impairs her ability to drive, the neurologist is legally required to notify DMV (in California), and her license will be revoked. This is for her safety and the safety of others, such as your grandchildren. Furthermore, a medical doctor will be able to prescribe medication to deal with her mood swings before she becomes more aggressive.
Seek spiritual guidance or professional counseling to deal with your fears--that you wife doesn't love you, that she talks about dying, etc.
Get outside help so that you don't get caregivers' burn-out. (Caregiving is not for the weak of heart.)
Good luck (and hugs),
George's Wife
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9 ReactionsI wish I could get my husband to agree. I am waiting for him to get to the frustrated stage to bring it up again.
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1 Reaction@yme2 can you volunteer at the senior’s club or how about Meals on Wheels? There is quite a bit you could do there!