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My first post, no one to talk to
I am writing because I literally have no one, no best friend or family member who I can ask for support or understanding. I feel afraid. I've been married to my sweetheart for 51 years. Over the last 2 years she has been displaying memory loss. My son has noticed and others have noticed. At first, when either myself or my son mentioned our concern to her or asked her to get a medical evaluation, she refused to acknowledge the situation and still does. She becomes very hostile to me when I plead with her to get a check up, so at this point I have given up on that request. She is constantly accusing me of betraying her by discussing with our son, but he has noticed on his own. Her memory is to the point that my son doesn't want to have her drive our granddaughter to school or pick her up. Even with driving directions on her phone, she is constantly rechecking the device . But I think she is aware of it because she took up memory exercises such as jigsaw puzzles and crosswords. I believe she is terrified, because she had an aunt with dementia. My mom had it and I know what is coming. In my mom's case, my sister and family moved in with her to care for her, bathing and diapers included. I have always been my wife's protector to an extreme, and I have determined to myself that I will outlive her, just so I can take care of her personally all the way. We are going on 74 years old. The situation has deteriorated to where is is changing her personality and day to day behavior. She is becoming mean to me at times with sudden mood swings and sometimes saying very hurtful things. She gets confused on when she last fed a pet and when I try to remind her, she goes into attack mode. We are one of those couples that has been inseparable for our entire marriage, but honestly I hate to say it, I now frequently think she doesn't love me anymore. No matter what, I will stick it out but I am beginning to wonder how I will have the strength mentally. I am scared because she keeps talking about dying and afterlife, even though we are both very physically active and fit. She truthfully can pass for someone in her 50's, has always taken good care of herself. so, not sure where I'm going with this, but if anyone can offer helpful hints, I'm all ears. I am alone. I am uncertain. I am so afraid. And I love my wife, even though it's been really strained lately.
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Mild Cognitive Impairment. The mild is a misnomer and the impairment can get pretty severe at times.
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2 ReactionsI have attended one Support group through the Alzheimer's Association. It is led by volunteers. I missed the second meeting because , as a first timer, I could not take in all the information. I will say that everyone's Alzheimer's experience is different and so is every Caregiver's. We do share the physical and emotional and social burdens. No more time, or little time for ourselves as we attend to the needs of our partner. The fear of what lies ahead and the need to plan while exhausted. Trying to find the appropriate medical resources. Taking each moment as a gift but always facing the unexpected.
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6 ReactionsHon my heart goes out to you and wifey..I am 72 and take care of my hubby who will be 76 on the 25th of Aug..its been a year since he started slipping and than in Jan he lost his job driving for NAPA which he loved but due to safety etc his Boss had to let him go..he stayed in bed for months and stopped eating he lost 70 some #'s and he's 6'4" he looked horrible. After months n I finally got him out of bed his neurologist has him on a pill for dementia/altimerzs but I think it has made him worse...this disease is hard as c there's no cure..I have to take care of our lawn and paying all bills (which i primarily did before) but now I have to budget..Altimerzs sucks ..Carol
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9 ReactionsI'm so sorry, but your wife has dementia and she is no longer the same person you've been married to for 50+ years. That hostile, paranoid, confused person is someone else who did not choose her disease. It is a tragic and cruel disease, and has robbed her of memory, logic and reason. Take nothing personally. She cannot help it. It usually does no good to argue or reason or correct the patient. Go along when possible. Distract or redirect when possible. The person you're dealing probably sees you as a stranger and she is not the person you married now (not in her mind).
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11 ReactionsMild Cognitive Impairment
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1 ReactionMany thanks to all who have replied to me, but I might have to drill down on my wife's symptoms and circumstances......She is active and fully functional. She cooks, keeps the house immaculate, cares for herself. Symptoms....
1. repeats the same comment or question over and over again with minutes of the first, during most conversations
2. she is volatile, argumentative over everything. If she says it's gonna rain and I say I don't think so, she lashes out at me and storms off and then pouts for hours.
3. someone mentioned romance.....we are in a sexless marriage (which is not of my choosing), she has lost all desire for sex. We exchange morning hugs and pecks, I love you birthday cards etc, but physical passion is gone (for 4 years). I still have desire but its nonreciprocal.
4. She is often incapable of figuring things out, i.e. I do all the banking and bills. If I try to explain why we have this bill or that one, it's too much.
5.She flips on me at the drop of a hat...i.e. I love cruises, we've done 4. I want to do another cruise and when I suggest it (I see it as a possible way to rekindle romance and excitement) she says "I never want to go on a cruise again".....2 days later, "when are we gonna go on another cruise"?
6. Again the forgetfulness...i.e. if I say I have an appointment tomorrow, then the next day as I'm getting ready to leave I get " where are you going"? If I say "I have an appointment, remember"? she loses it and accuses me of attacking her. If my son says he's coming over for a visit, then a couple hours later, she'll say " when is he coming to visit" I tell her again and an hour later, she asks again the same question.
7. Insecurity or ??? if my son or any other common person sends me a text, and she wasnt included, I get.." You're all talking about me". "You're betraying me"!
on and on. It's getting worse rapidly I feel. I feel she is unhappy with her life. She blames me for any friction between us and I'm on eggshells. She is not the same mild hippie girl of our youth, but I love her and I will never abandon her. I will see this thru, but I am having increasing emotional difficulty.
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9 ReactionsI am so sorry that you are living this ! It is hard and their is no rhyme or reason for some behaviors. Know that all of us care and feel some of what you are experiencing. 🫂 🤗
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4 ReactionsHi,
Your post reminded me so much of my own situation. My husband is 76 and I’m 74 and we are married for 56 years and love each other very much. My father-in-law had Alzheimer’s so I know a little about it. For me, the hardest thing to accept has been his personality changes including very hurtful accusations directed at me. The realization that I have to accept what is happening and find ways to cope. I, too, feel very much alone in this.
Some things that have helped me - I started going to a therapist to at least have someone to talk to about my feelings. That helped. I made an appointment with our family doctor and told him about our situation. Next I scheduled a check up for my husband (I told him required yearly physical) and our doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for him. It seems to have helped tremendously with the personality changes and accusations so far.
We are scheduled to see a new neurologist in September and I intend to make sure he knows everything that is happening - because if you just met my husband you would not imagine anything was wrong. The neurologist we saw last year didn’t speak to me, didn’t really give a diagnosis but just wrote a prescription for Aricept - which didn’t seem to help at all.
Sorry for the length of this comment. What I want to say to you is I understand quite a bit the scared and alone feelings you feel. Sometimes just knowing other people are in the same situation helps. It has helped me a lot to read these posts. Best of luck to you and your wife.
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8 ReactionsReply to yme2
Yes….those symptoms….repetitive, argumentative, forgetful, insecure are ALL so familiar to those of us dealing with a loved one with dementia.
I have learned to avoid some upsets by
- not disagreeing if it’s not important ( eg will it rain ? )
- marking both his and my appointments on a large calendar that he can check many times a day
- noting visits or daily activities on a whiteboard on the fridge
- repeating instructions before they become questions
- and YES answering the same question many times while trying to remain calm
It’s very HARD to do. I wish you strength.
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11 ReactionsYour list of behaviors sound similar to those of my husband. No concept of time. I have to remind myself not to mention anything in the future or he is ready to go or confused as to why it is not happening. My husband has lost his spatial functions. Taking some things apart will take hours to put back together. He runs the dishwasher with just a few things in it and then forgets where the dishes belong. I have the same issues with trip planning. My husband’s behavior gets much worse in unfamiliar places so our vacation spots are limited. I am hoping that I will be able to leave him alone for four nights in October. It is such a fickle disease and it is hard to stay emotionally neutral while your loved one is spiraling into their own mind.
Remember that you are not alone.
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